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Rex’s Motto: Always be closing the door that leads to the elephrantula pens.
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“Fine.  We’ll take Wyoming as well…we can keep all our manure there.”

“Fine. We’ll take Wyoming as well…we can keep all our manure there.”

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The Gentlemans have been in sales for generations, dating back to Rex’s great- great- great-grandfather Parfait, who sold large portions of what would someday become boring swing states to unwitting American diplomats.

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The Gentlemans on a normal Sunday after church.

The Gentlemans on a normal Sunday after church.

Rex was something of an Army brat in his youth, traveling throughout Europe during the Cold War as his father brought democracy to the burgeoning markets for low cost Teslammo.  Rex got to know the ins and outs of many NATO lands, and made life long friends on American military bases that he would be able to blackmail as a defense contractor in later life.

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……After settling down on the East Coast, Rex attended George Washington university, where he earned a major in Auctioneerism and a minor in Laying Waste to Your Competitors (ah, those liberal halcyon days). It was in D.C. that he was infected with the desire to sell unknown quantities to the federal government for immense amounts of untraceable cash: truly this was the American dream.

High five!

High five!

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Then while working with the CIA on their urban beautification and Nicaraguan assistance projects, Rex came to our attention.  A bright, eager go-getter with a shiny coat, he was a perfect match for Synthetic Bio-Technologies and Heavy Volatile Weapons Incorporated (now Stuff You Need).

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Rex speaks with his major domo

Rex speaks with his major domo

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……Rex rose swiftly through the ranks to nab the coveted post of Head of Sales, from which he could lead his own dark empire, fueled by both the Pentagon’s slush fund and various inconsequential intercontinental nuclear transactions.

But as the economy has done to us all, Rex has had to come back down to earth a bit.

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And we’re glad he has, for as S.Y.N. moves forward bringing new products to the public, we’re excited to see the new profit streams he wades into:

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  • Grandparents looking for that near-lethal way to keep those damn kids off their lawn
  • The creamy, untapped underbelly of unemployed males ages 24 – 27.5
  • Pirates
  • Outright lies

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Yes, the sky’s the limit for this first class Gentle(sales)man!

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Rex Gentleman

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SPOTLIGHT!

Blinding

……To better let our customers know who’s making their lives brighter, we’re inaugurating the Stuff You Need SPOTLIGHT.
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We’ll be turning the S.Y.N. Spotlight on each of our divisions and the superior people who run them to give you an inside look at just how the Science Magic happens.
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Spotlight will help you put a face to the name, a name to the story and a story to the expunged criminal record, so please, look directly into the light.

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SPACE SPECIAL!

Beautiful AND magical.

Beautiful AND magical.

……To be perfectly honest, there’s just less and less call for orbiting death platforms these days (I know, crazy right?).  With the world feeling more and more hopeful about a brighter tomorrow, governments are funneling their budgets into space-based “smile” arrays, capable of delivering 100 mega watt Rainbow Lasers to any party on earth.

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(We hear Northrop’s got something in the shape of Obama’s head that transmits ‘Barack Beams’ right into your hopeythallamus.)

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……Well it makes us just sick to see these majestic techno-beasts hanging there unloved, so we’ve decided to do something about it: yes, Stuff You Need is converting (almost) all of its high altitude bombardment satellites to serve the public in a myriad of ways.   First up is a special we’re pleased to offer….

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……It’s summertime, and you want to get your kids outdoors, right?  Well what better way than a basketball hoop to get their fat little legs moving!  “But,” you say, “putting up a hoop is way too hard, and I’m even lazier than my lard ass kids – so what can I do?”

Heyyyy…just take a load off, fatty: Science has got your back.

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……S.Y.N. has just finished retrofitting the Thunder Hammer, our chic  ‘Rods from God’ tungsten-tosser, into the world’s easiest home basketball installation kit:

HOOPS FROM ON HIGH! Previously meant to deliver telephone poles of death anywhere on the planet, Stuff You Need can now embed a fun and healthy family favorite right in your driveway or cul-de-sac.

 

Behold the majesty...

Behold the majesty...

When you buy the kit at any local sporting goods or heavy weapons facility, you’ll find a tiny disc, barely an inch thin – and that’s it!  No huge pipes to carry home or nets to weave, just a wafer-thin microchip that you might mistake for snack.  (Note: Do not eat.)


……Toss that baby right where you want your hoop and we’ll take care of the rest.  Once activated, the disc will contact the satellite, which will calculate telemetry and other cool things, then safely hurl your basketball net right at you at 36,000 feet per second.

 

"Here it comes kids!"   "I love you Mom."

"Here it comes kids...RUN!"


……Soon your kids will be enjoying one of the fastest growing sports in Europe and best of all, you’ll barely have had to lift a finger: thanks Science!


(Warning: Hoops From On High may cause atomic level issues for your surrounding neighborhood – do not place basketball hoop on any fault lines or accidentally activate the tracking device while in your pants)

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ATTENTION!

S.A.L.S.A.……Attention fleshy beings.

……The Stuff You Need compound has been sealed by HUAC due to an outbreak of Rouge H1N1, also known as “Devil’s Plague Ham.”

……Further updates will occur as I deem provident.

……End of line.

 

Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

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……Oh man.  See, I thought this one was a no brainer.  Something the kids would go crazy for and use all summer long in a fun and respectful manner.

……Shows what I friggin’ know.

……I thought it was gonna be a beautiful adaptation of something wholesome and life affirming into a family friendly kid’s toy. 

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You know, like this:

We attack on Christmas morning!

We attack on Christmas morning!

And this:

One Nerf, One Kill

One Nerf, One Kill

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So when we started shipping out the new radio controlled bullet guns to the Army, we thought we’d once again let the awesomeness of military contracting bless that classic summer kid’s toy and perfect them – that’s right: Smart Gun + Water Gun = Maximum Fun!

What kid wouldn't want to spend their summer in camouflage?

What kid wouldn't want to spend their summer in camouflage?

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The XM-25 SUPER SMART SOAKER fired -25 ºC bursts of pure frozen water that corkscrewed through the air, cutting through any material, until a second pull of the trigger shot the ice bullet with a high intensity laser, instantly boiling it and soaking the target with a massive wave of water.

……No more could Billy just hide out in the barn, or Tommy say you’d missed him.  Oh hell no – he’d be wet like he’d never been before!


…….Yep.  It was all fun and games, until some kids started shooting the damn things into nice peoples’ houses and ruining their furniture or soaking Sunday brunch parties.  One little monster shot up a factory full of those “Just Add Water” Foam Dinosaurs….so awful.
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……Also, some people got icicle impaled and internally scalded, but that’s besides the damn point!  Just give us back the freakin’ rifles you brats.

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……New Item!  Especially for our customers who make love to their TiVo or Cable DVR every night, Stuff You Need has got a fabulous new wonder drug that will change your life…

……Have you ever found yourself sitting down for your favorite show only to realize that it’s just starting?  And so that means you can’t fast forward through the commercials?  Right.  Your DVR is now more f’ing useless than running vinaigrette through a centrifuge.

……Hell, that’s a long fifteen minutes you’ve got to sit there, waiting for enough time to have passed so you never have to watch even one vile commercial.  And what are you gonna do all that time?  Talk to your loved ones?  Isn’t that the reason you got DVR in the first place – to have non-stop TV blaring at you every second you’re home?

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……Well you can thank god for Science – and Stuff You Need – for NARCO-NAP!

Dr. ViewGood

NARCO-NAP is the only pill you can safely pop that will knock you out cold and then have you up and raring to go a moment later, charged to watch Gossip Girls.  While you’re dead to the world, you’ll be banking that precious DVR time you can use to fly through your shows, and you’ll never be drawn in to any conversations or quickie, chaffing sex while you wait.

……You’ll get a whole range of pill strengths pegged perfectly to the Neilsen second when you order: half-hour sitcom, one hour drama, mini-series, and even ‘sweeps week.’  (And now try our strongest formula yet: the SNL special!)

……So when roofies are just too untrustworthy and a few minutes alone with your thoughts would be an absolute personal hell, try NARCO-NAP and get back to the best part of your life: watching other people’s lives on TV.

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Rex Gentleman……Hey loyal Stuff You Need shoppers – Rex Gentlemen, Head of Sales, here.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been up late at night hunting for the next ShamMeow product you can poach, and you’ve probably seen these crazy ads with half-dead celebrities offering you Cash for any random Gold you have lying about the house.

Why, Hammer, why?

Why, Hammer, why?

After a long good laugh and a test to see if any of my fillings were loose, I got to thinking….in these tough economic times, who the heck has got spare gold lying around the house? 

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Isn’t there are renewable resource we all have access to that is going unutilized?

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Hell yes there is, and I’m happy to say that as long as you’re leprosy and homeless-free, then you’re sitting on a goldmine friend – or more accurately, picking your nose with a goldmine.

Note: nails not actually gold

Note: nails not actually gold

That’s right, Stuff You Need is swollen with pride to announce our new program where we will send you cash for every finger or toenail you no longer want or have a use for.  Our scientists have found a way to boil down all that keratin into some wonderful new products we all desperately crave:

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Crisp Nose Cone – calcified ‘old people’ nails can be used to replace the heat shields on missiles and the space shuttle’s nose cone

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– the razor sharp nails of babies are turned into the latest ceramic knives and ninja throwing stars which can easily beat airport metal detectors

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– and crisp clean nails are the perfect consistency and color to form new iPod casings and earbudsnailPod

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So save up a bunch of your next clippings in a handy soda can for a big reward, or send them in constantly as you trim down to the bone for a steady stream of income.  Act now, and we’ll send you a very cool little device that lets you harvest the nails right off your sleeping kids and neighbors.

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Remember: it’s never a wrong time for personal or tactically offensive hygiene.

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