Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for April, 2009

Karnia WhelkHi happy internet readers!  This is Karnia Whelk, your faithful servant from Stuff You Need’s Customer Service department.

I’ve gotten to talk to some of you by phone I’m sure, but now that we’re in this new, web-based economy, I can’t wait to “blog” you.

I’m of course here to help people with their problems on specific products, but a big part of my job is to answer your questions about our company and Science! at large.  So, on Wednesdays I plan to ‘Whelk-out’ [grin] by digging deep in the brown muck of our mail bag to respond to your queries, and check out some of that crazy science flopping around our world.

I just know we’re going to have a lot of fun together  =)  !!   So drop me a line at stuffyouneed [dot] 9000 [at] gmail [dot] com , or in the comments below!

.

CASH MONEY: First up this week is the exciting news that President (dreamboat) Obama has pledged to raise the government’s funding of SCIENCE!  I can’t tell you how excited everyone here was when we found out Obama’s going to spend as much on Research & Development as Military spending.  That’s crazy!  I mean, I didn’t realize they were ever separate in the first place, but to think that we’ll now have two streams of income to use in making radioactive nanobots, well that’s just super.

Our Experimental Accounting Division has already swung into action creating a whole new swath of shell corporations and cutouts unlinkable to us, so Stuff You Need can take full advantage of all these new, yummy taxpayer dollars.

We look forward to taking your money to make products we can sell back to you!

.

HOBO PLANET:  Maybe we can use some of that new money to help get Earth back on its feet and out of living in a junkyard.  With all the space gunk orbiting us now, its no wonder we can’t get a clear shot of the lunar surface from our Subterranean Winterfresh Crystals Rayzor.  Why, we only want our friendly Man in the Moon to be cavity free…

.

VIET NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’! : Seeing old friends like Vietnam and Russia working together to move product warms my cockles.  Just knowing that those big, silent boats are prowling the South China sea makes me think of my favorite musical – one guess! (ok, it’s Sweeny Todd!)  AND, the best part is this is that new GREEN Economy at work, building a brand new submarine by recycling precious resources that might have been used for something impractical in Russia, like a school or housing.

.
Well that’s it for this week, so thanks for coming by – I’ll be Whelking at you again soon!

–  Karina

.

Bookmark and Share

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Nocturnal Polyuria. Interstitial CystitisSleepless in Weeattle.

.

Fourteen times last night!

Fourteen times last night!

……Whatever you call it, late night urination is something a lot of us have to deal with as we get older.  And sure, you’ve tried adult diapers, collection hoses, and irrigation canals, but they just leave you feeling soaked in your wallet and in your bed.

……So when Ned in accounting asked if we could come up with something to stop his constant and explosive bed wetting (Hi, Ned!), the boys in R&D got right on it.  And what they came up with will astound you…

……Presenting the QUANTUM BLADDER, Stuff You Need’s answer to those nighttime visits from the Tinkle Fairy.  This is a product that even an infant could use (Warning: Not for use by infants), but only one of S.Y.N.’s scientists trained in irrevocable string theory would even begin to understand.

.

Bag of mostly water

Bag of mostly water

……Contained within the cup-like insert are powerful quantinibulus forces that we couldn’t begin to get into here.  All you need to know is that statistically, it works.  When you slip the insert into your underwear, boxers or pajamas, you can sleep soundly knowing space-time has got your back.  Simply pee as normal directly into the cup throughout the night; in the morning when you check your bed, there’s a 68.2% chance you’ll find it bone dry.  You have to like those odds.  And you can feel free to piss like a racehorse since the Quantum Bladder can imbibe an infinite amount of your golden shower.

.

In Ur Box...

……Yes, never before have the powers of the nerdiest branch of mathematics ever produced something so useful.  The Quantum Bladder: your way to a probability enhanced night’s sleep.

.

.

……Note: Due to the variablization of quantum mechanics, Stuff You Need cannot legally be held responsible for those instances when the urine of all other users of the

Quantum Bladder super-strings into your bed the following morning.

.

Bookmark and Share

Read Full Post »

Ah, Bacon

Ah, Bacon

.

“There is nothing so good that BACON won’t make it better.” – old Porcine Proverb

.
One thing we don’t lack for around here at Stuff You Need is competition.  Our various departments are always trying to outdo each other with new products, better service or faster surface-to-air ratios.  Well, the boys in our Inedible Food labs have for too long been the Boston butt of the Foodie lab’s jokes, but now those days are over…

.
Yes, our R&D pork fanatics have cracked the bacon atom, releasing deliciously fatty neutron bombs, and they are aiming them at some of the long most hated flavors in our world.  First up: cough syrup.

.
That’s right, no more treacly grape or searing cherry death: you’re moving right into flavor country with SWINETUSSIN:

Take Three of These And Call Me In The Morning

.

Whether you’re hacking up a lung or the phlegm is phlowing phreely, you want to make sure you enjoy every moment of the medicine you’re going to be taking.  That’s why our top men have been sweating over this one – they’ve combined the finest smoky flavors with giant dobs of crisp fat to create a cough suppressant that puts most Bar-B-Que to shame.  Why, it’s so rich and thick, you can even pour it over your kids’ pancakes to make doctor’s visits a thing of the past!

.
So screw the spoonful of sugar and reach for the codeine that packs a real pig punch: SWINETUSSINIt’s bacon for your lungs.

.

Goes down smooooooth

Bacony Goodness

.
……
And make sure to try Stuff You Need’s other great flavored cough syrups: Foie Gras, Duck Fat, and, for our vegetarian customer, Tofu.

.

Important note: Swinetussin is not a treatment for the Swine flu.  If anything, it’ll probably make it worse and/or give it to you.  Sorry about that.

 

.

Bookmark and Share

Read Full Post »

Horatio FinespunApple announced its billionth iPhone App download and I applaud and bite my thumb at them. Seriously, we should be the ones getting that lovely publicity, but no: Apple rejected all of Stuff You Need’s proposed Apps , each one a thousand times more useful than the current ‘social media’ wankfests on offer. I mean, as far as real-world, practical applications go, how could you beat these?:

.

Do Me A Solenoid : when you activate this App, you’ll turn your iPhone into a powerful electromagnet capable of picking up loose change from miles away, finding the remote control, or flipping the car of that bastard who double parked.

.

DNAmazing : as security systems become frighteningly formidable, you’re likely to run into more and more biometric screeners which are difficult to beat. Luckily, with this App switched on, just press the appropriate finger against the iPhone touch screen and you’ll have no problem beating the latest systems. That’s because the App tells the iPhone to unlock its radiation safety measures (factory sealed by pansy hippies in Apple corporate) and irradiate your finger with intense blasts of microwaves. The result is scrambled DNA which can confuse any reader enough to let you in.

.

And for the kids a GPS: Global Pwning System : just link up to your friends and gaming systems with this App and when you burn them down online, their iPhone will deliver a an electrical shock powerful enough to loosen anyone’s bowels. “Pwned,” indeed.

.

Come on Apple, let us have a little fun.

.

Bookmark and Share

Read Full Post »

CLEARANCE!

Thar she blo...geeze, watch it!……Following years of intense Cetacean study that came up empty (who knew how hard it would be to get whales to carry warheads in their mouths without crying?), Stuff You Need has got warehouses full of WHALE WATER that has to go!

.

……Our supply of Whale Water, more commonly referred to as “Whale Snot,” comes from years of collecting discharges from only the finest blowholes in the sea.  Aged and flavored by the most ginormous lungs on the planet and compressed by millions of pounds of deep ocean pressure, Whale Water has a myriad of home uses you’ll love spending hours trying to figure out.

.

……So when ambergris is just economically and legally impracticable, try our high quality Whale Water and coat yourself in majestic mucous.

.

Bookmark and Share

Read Full Post »

"I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna come down for quite some time now."

One of the most maddening sounds any golfer will ever hear is the air horn blistering the sky on the 7th green as they’re in the middle of the best round of their life:
.

…You: “Really?  Now?  I have to come in right NOW? Or I’ll be roasted by a bolt of lighting?  But the sky is perfectly clear over there, several miles away…

…Air Horn: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

.

Trust us, our scorecard feels your pain.
.
But now let Stuff You Need be your caddy in life’s greatest game and bring you this new, PGA Rules committee-pending device: The SLICER.  Just attach the 10 kilo, solid titanium scrambox to your bag and swing your big rods without fear.

Once activated, the suronucletic core located in the box will generate plasma bursts at an incredible rate, forming a roughly man sized filamentation shield around you and your clubs.  The moment any lighting strikes you, the Slicer will violently curve it away and into the nearest grounded object, be it pin, cart or Todd, who just won’t shut up during your backswing.

You can thank you old friend lasers for the source of this trick: for some scientastic reason, they just totally Tiger-slap lighting bolts around until they’re begging for mercy on the back nine.

.

So make storm clouds your Mickelson and get The SLICER: Cause when you’re taking skins off your buddies like a tanner, you don’t need ‘Old Lady Nature’ toasting your balls.

Keep 'em safe and dry.

.

Bookmark and Share

Read Full Post »

Horatio FinespunHappy Your Day, Earth!  It’s the one day of the year where we call a cease-fire and not try to kill each other – you with your lavas and snakes, us with our carbon and M-16s pointed at the ground.

And in honor of this 39th Earth Day, I am announcing the discovery of a fabulous renewable energy source: E-MAIL SPAM!

Yes, R&D made this monumental discovery only just days ago when it was announced that internet spam has the energy output of over 2 Billion gallons of gasoline!  Just think of the wars people would die in for that amount of delicious, silky oil.

I mean, who knew that every time Stuff You Need emailed our weekly catalog to every man, woman and child with an internet connection or metal plate in their head, we were bringing humanity one step closer to needing to buy S.Y.N.’s exclusive endodermal sun shield?

Well I knew I couldn’t just sit by and let this spam go to waste any longer; too many Nigerian princes and huge xxxPeN1seSxxx have fought too long and too hard for Americas to just hit DELETE a thousand times a day.

That’s why this Earth Day, I’m asking all of you to forward your spam direct to our great new invention: The SPAMURBINE!

Suck on that, Spam!

Suck on that, Spam!

Designed specifically to take advantage of the trillions of spam shooting around the web every day, the Spamurbine is the first internet-to-generator power system capable of lighting up a good sized city (let’s say Cardiff).  As spam is forwarded to the device, it is transmogrified from a mess of very perverted 101101001s into an even more disgusting physical representation of itself.  Believe you me, there’s nothing quite like the sound of ten thousand prescription drug sales pitches made flesh hitting a solid zitanium fan spinning at 6,000 revolutions a minute.

But it’s all for an incredibly good cause, and one day soon we hope to have a Spamurbine sized for personal use to power your home, car and brain.

So the next time E-Bay says they need your credit card information directly or a cyrillic letter informs you that you’ve won a free college diploma, don’t add that spam to the carbon necklace choking the Earth: shove it in the SPAMURBINE, and bask in the warm glow self-rightousness.

You’ve sort of earned it!

.

Bookmark and Share

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »