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Archive for May, 2009

 

Mr. President

Mr. President

 

……Hello beloved internet viewers!  Our apologies for not making you aware sooner, but the apparently necessary employees and management of Stuff You Need are currently attending the company get away in Italy.  

……On my dime.  

 ……Bastardos.


 

……But I am told that’s the way  to keep the workers happy and keep them from talking to the media or the Triads.  So, the unveiling of new products will unfortunately be delayed during this time, until everyone gets back and sobers up from the Tuscan wine.

……In the meantime, Chet is watching the shop and will show you new things occasionally, when he’s not collecting on accounts.

Chet

Thank you kind Chet!

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Good Boy

……Oh Center for Disease Control, we could just kiss you.  Without you, how would we have ever known that almost 25,000 people a year are going to the ER just because they tripped over the family dog?  AWESOME.

……Well, not awesome of course for your knees (or Grandma’s hip), but awesome because it means you’ve got a reason to buy a new pair of pants!

……Specifically, Stuff You Need’s PATELLA PISSER PANTS! Designed originally to locate landmines, these fancy pants come equipped with reservoirs located on each knee and tiny, yet powerful hoses.  When the pants detect an object in front of you below crotch height, they let lose with a powerful stream of whatever you want.

……Fill your pants up with water, old booze, bleach or hook it right up to your colostomy bag if you’ve got one.  Heck, use your own urine if you want, and give your dog a taste of his own medicine.

……The Patella Pisser Pants: now you can walk around your own home with a sloshing sense of safety!

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Karnia WhelkThe whole compound got to see the new Star Trek movie this week and it was amazing!  While most of the science was of course far fetched, we loved the eco-message of the Romulan planet drill so much that Stuff You Need will be rolling out a hand-held Fission Planet Corer immediately.  Soon, you and your friends will be able to reenact all your favorite scenes from movies like Superman, A View to A Kill, and Driving Miss Daisy.

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Now, on to your Sciencized update for the week!:

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SHUNSINE: Eighty years ago, the sun acted very stand offish and generally ill tempered, hoarding all her light and giving us the cold shoulder.  And now apparently that fiery bitch is doing it again.  The question is why?  Simple magnetic fluctuations, normal cyclical change, or dry run for a supernova?  Actually, that doesn’t matter – we just need to find a way to keep Mr. Sun burning.  Our suggestion: funnel all the upcoming unsold Wolverine DVDs directly into the Chromosphere to keep the sun burning hot.  And angry.  Angry at paying to see that movie.  Darn it.

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IF GOD HAD MEANT MAN TO NEVER STOP FLYING…:  He wouldn’t have given him this amazing aircraft that never has to land, ever.  And He did.  So He must have.  Thank you, God!  But seriously, the DARPA Vulture program just looks like the natural evolution of those international flights which seem to go on forever.  Now you can board in Tuscon and never make another connecting flight or see another human up close ever again.  One thing though – if it never comes down, how do they clean the bathroom?

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OFF-STAR:  Did you know that the entire Global Positioning System could explode next year?  Every car, phone and cheeseburger that comes equipped with GPS is likely to fail spectacularly, leaving you lost and sad.  Once again, we’ll see how the populace has forgotten something as simple as the directions to the store, and will suffer when their gewgaws are taken away.  Sigh.  Looks like I put that RFID chip in my husband for nothing.

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Just blow on it a little

Just blow on it a little

When it was revealed that drinking tea hotter than 158 degrees Fahrenheit could octuple your chances of throat cancer, the S.Y.N. offices understandably freaked out.

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Then we realized we all actually drink coffee like normal people and forgot about it.

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Except of course for Horatio, who’s a full on Brissy (British pussy) and is still asking people to look at his tubes everyday.  And of course he whipped R&D back into a frenzy to find a solution (because just using a couple of damn ice cubes wasn’t Sciencesque enough).

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……Luckily, an easy breakthrough in polydendrole thermodynamics later and we had the answer: LORD KELVIN’S PERFECT CUPPA.

Big Daddy K

Big Daddy K

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Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

……Futrofitted with a common household magneto-optical trap, this teacup is photonized at a ridiculous rate, the light revolving through the tea thanks to the anti-helmholtz configuration of the cup’s coils which trap and disperse every other leaf-infused drop.  The end result is nothing short of a revolution in the field of tea-technology: a teacup which impatiently forces your tea to swap between 459.7 °F and −459.7 °F ……………………………………………………………faster than you can say “Scone?” .

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Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

That’s right, your throat will never suffer the unnerving effects of cancer again because the massive temperature fluctuations of your Sleepytime blend will fully hornswoggle your neck nerves; yes sir, your tea will be in your tummy long before your esophagus figures out whether it should oncogenize uncontrollably or kick back with its slippers on.  And you’ll have had a civilized cuppa without making a sacrifice to the dreaded “lukewarm tea ogre.”

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……So, if you must drink tea, and you must have it hot, try Lord Kelvin’s Perfect Cuppa and treat yourself to some of the slipperiest superfluids you’ve ever sipped!

Earl Grey would be proud

Earl Grey would be proud

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……Oh, and I guess you could use the Cuppa for other drinks if you want…but not Hot Chocolate!  That would be madness.

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Caution: Once your tea is poured into the Cuppa, please drink it immediately.  Failure to do so may allow time for your tea to escape from the Cuppa and into the atmosphere of your home or place of business, where a bosenova could, and likely will, occur.  And no, you won’t be able to dance to it, what with your feet being a fine pink mist.
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Snap-Crackle-Pop……Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has been the Black Death of office workers for decades, and let’s face it, the advent of the computer was just one more bubo on the groin of the human arm (i.e. the wrist).

Most typists suffered in whiny silence for years – well, S.Y.N.’s brand new WRIST WROCKETS puts an end to all that!  Utilizing sweet mag-lev technology, we’ve created the most amazing bracelets since those crappy copper things golfers insist help their swing.
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Get the salad spoons, man!

Get the salad spoons, man!

……Following a standardly invasive medical procedure, the Wrist Wrocket will be bonded to your radius and ulna with thermite pins, and ‘presto!’, your wrists will forever more be suspended on a gentle cushion of air, no matter where you are.
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Customers ask why the devices must be permanently grafted and the answer is simple: in the potentially rare event of a total failure, Wrists Wrocket users will be pleased when the device can’t erupt up their arm, possibly removing several layers of everything.  Yes, that’s the safety and quality Stuff You Need stands just off to the left of.

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Movement will be slightly restricted

Movement will be slightly restricted

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But don’t take our admittedly awesome word for it…

……At the end of a long day at the office, my wrists were so stressed, I thought my tendons were going to tear out of my arms and strangle me.  But with my new Wrist Wrockets, I can type 70 words per minute for 12 hours straight and still get home ready to smack my kids.  THANKS Stuff You Need!

– Dorthoy Balathe

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Karnia Whelk……Oh sweet zombie Jeblon, I feel awful!  I finally got hit with that nasty H1N1 (the HONE-NONE) or Swine Flu.  I avoided it as long as possible, until Horatio came around with a bucket full of it and drenched everyone in pure pig snot.  He said T-Ray wanted to get everyone infected at once, so our chances of developing a vaccine from our weekly blood donations would go way up.  I didn’t even realize they were taking our blood, but I guess that explains the prick I feel when I go to the bathroom.

Lord! I swear, things are coming out of me like you wouldn’t believe, so let’s get you Scienced before my poor pores start drooling again.

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TEXTING – THE VIBRATING KILLER: A new study on the dangers of texting while driving confirmed that when you don’t have your hands on the wheel or your eyes on the road and are in fact totally oblivious to the world around you, you’re an idiot.  Oh yes, as a parent, I know teens are going to want to qwerty to their friends no matter what, which is why I insist on them using our brain-computer hook up in the car, so they can Tweet hands free.  It’s not the best solution, since they often black out from the strain of concentrating, but I’m a firm believer that the cops will treat your corpse with more respect if they find your hands at 10 and 2.

……(Incidentally, you can follow Stuff You Need on Twitter too, at http://twitter.com/StuffYouNeed , where all the social marketers on the planet are converging into a Twingularity)

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80085: For some reason, the ACLU is going kooky over the government granting patents on breast cancer genes.  I don’t see what the fuss is all about: what could go wrong with giant, innocently named corporations owning the rights to the very building blocks of life?   At worst, they might aerosolize cancer, but that would just put this Swine Flu in perspective, no?

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ONCE YOU GO BLACK… : You can bet our ears perked up this past week when we saw that the Pentagon’s budget for Secretly Clandestine Black Ops went past the magical $50 Billion mark.  Phasers, weaponized drone bees, satellites that can  Photoshop you into embarrassing situations with your neighbors from miles up – oh yes, its all in there.  But Stuff You Need, ever the voice of reason, has to ask: where’s the love?  Sure, you can build all kinds of fun gadgets and DARPA can make all of Oklahoma’s hair green on alternate Thursdays, but is $50 Billion going to hollow out the Moon and make it Earth’s personal Death Star to conquer the galaxy?

……No.  It’s not.  And that’s a shame that I don’t think will sit well with the American people.

……It’s high time for all the red blooded Americans of this great land to rise up and shout:

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We’re tired of paying all these taxes without something really cool to show for it!

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We demand that planet America be ready to plunder Pluto’s pulchritudinous pesos!

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We are waiting for your reply, President Obama.

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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

……Sorry people, the party’s over.  A couple of bad apples ruined it for the rest of us.

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……I just knew it on this one.  “Why the hell would it make a difference?” I said, “a junkie’s a junkie.”  It doesn’t matter if he’s bubbling up blood with a dirty pair of underwear wrapped around his arm lying in a flophouse in Denver or in an internet café.

……I begged Rex to only make it available to our VIP customers, but nope, that wouldn’t be “democratic.”
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……So yeah, unfortunately we gotta recall the USB HEROIN.

E-Brown

E-Brown

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Looks like it's back to the bottle for us

Looks like it's back to the bottle

……Oh, I know, easiest thing in the world, right?  Run the electronic syringe off your computer and deliver that sweet synthetic brown right where you need it most: your veins.  But no.  As soon as the white hats got wind of poor people using smack that was possibly slightly less addictive and meant they wouldn’t be using dirty needles anymore, well that was it.  No more Mr. FDA approval.

……Apparently, it’s against official policy to get the plebs in this country hooked on anything that doesn’t glue casters to their hands and push them down a spiral staircase.

……So start shipping it back to us.  And don’t dawdle.  Or I’ll send Chet out to cluck you.

– Blarnke out.

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