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Archive for June, 2009

ATTENTION!

S.A.L.S.A.……Attention fleshy beings.

……The Stuff You Need compound has been sealed by HUAC due to an outbreak of Rouge H1N1, also known as “Devil’s Plague Ham.”

……Further updates will occur as I deem provident.

……End of line.

 

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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

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……Oh man.  See, I thought this one was a no brainer.  Something the kids would go crazy for and use all summer long in a fun and respectful manner.

……Shows what I friggin’ know.

……I thought it was gonna be a beautiful adaptation of something wholesome and life affirming into a family friendly kid’s toy. 

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You know, like this:

We attack on Christmas morning!

We attack on Christmas morning!

And this:

One Nerf, One Kill

One Nerf, One Kill

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So when we started shipping out the new radio controlled bullet guns to the Army, we thought we’d once again let the awesomeness of military contracting bless that classic summer kid’s toy and perfect them – that’s right: Smart Gun + Water Gun = Maximum Fun!

What kid wouldn't want to spend their summer in camouflage?

What kid wouldn't want to spend their summer in camouflage?

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The XM-25 SUPER SMART SOAKER fired -25 ºC bursts of pure frozen water that corkscrewed through the air, cutting through any material, until a second pull of the trigger shot the ice bullet with a high intensity laser, instantly boiling it and soaking the target with a massive wave of water.

……No more could Billy just hide out in the barn, or Tommy say you’d missed him.  Oh hell no – he’d be wet like he’d never been before!


…….Yep.  It was all fun and games, until some kids started shooting the damn things into nice peoples’ houses and ruining their furniture or soaking Sunday brunch parties.  One little monster shot up a factory full of those “Just Add Water” Foam Dinosaurs….so awful.
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……Also, some people got icicle impaled and internally scalded, but that’s besides the damn point!  Just give us back the freakin’ rifles you brats.

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……New Item!  Especially for our customers who make love to their TiVo or Cable DVR every night, Stuff You Need has got a fabulous new wonder drug that will change your life…

……Have you ever found yourself sitting down for your favorite show only to realize that it’s just starting?  And so that means you can’t fast forward through the commercials?  Right.  Your DVR is now more f’ing useless than running vinaigrette through a centrifuge.

……Hell, that’s a long fifteen minutes you’ve got to sit there, waiting for enough time to have passed so you never have to watch even one vile commercial.  And what are you gonna do all that time?  Talk to your loved ones?  Isn’t that the reason you got DVR in the first place – to have non-stop TV blaring at you every second you’re home?

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……Well you can thank god for Science – and Stuff You Need – for NARCO-NAP!

Dr. ViewGood

NARCO-NAP is the only pill you can safely pop that will knock you out cold and then have you up and raring to go a moment later, charged to watch Gossip Girls.  While you’re dead to the world, you’ll be banking that precious DVR time you can use to fly through your shows, and you’ll never be drawn in to any conversations or quickie, chaffing sex while you wait.

……You’ll get a whole range of pill strengths pegged perfectly to the Neilsen second when you order: half-hour sitcom, one hour drama, mini-series, and even ‘sweeps week.’  (And now try our strongest formula yet: the SNL special!)

……So when roofies are just too untrustworthy and a few minutes alone with your thoughts would be an absolute personal hell, try NARCO-NAP and get back to the best part of your life: watching other people’s lives on TV.

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Rex Gentleman……Hey loyal Stuff You Need shoppers – Rex Gentlemen, Head of Sales, here.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been up late at night hunting for the next ShamMeow product you can poach, and you’ve probably seen these crazy ads with half-dead celebrities offering you Cash for any random Gold you have lying about the house.

Why, Hammer, why?

Why, Hammer, why?

After a long good laugh and a test to see if any of my fillings were loose, I got to thinking….in these tough economic times, who the heck has got spare gold lying around the house? 

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Isn’t there are renewable resource we all have access to that is going unutilized?

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Hell yes there is, and I’m happy to say that as long as you’re leprosy and homeless-free, then you’re sitting on a goldmine friend – or more accurately, picking your nose with a goldmine.

Note: nails not actually gold

Note: nails not actually gold

That’s right, Stuff You Need is swollen with pride to announce our new program where we will send you cash for every finger or toenail you no longer want or have a use for.  Our scientists have found a way to boil down all that keratin into some wonderful new products we all desperately crave:

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Crisp Nose Cone – calcified ‘old people’ nails can be used to replace the heat shields on missiles and the space shuttle’s nose cone

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– the razor sharp nails of babies are turned into the latest ceramic knives and ninja throwing stars which can easily beat airport metal detectors

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– and crisp clean nails are the perfect consistency and color to form new iPod casings and earbudsnailPod

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So save up a bunch of your next clippings in a handy soda can for a big reward, or send them in constantly as you trim down to the bone for a steady stream of income.  Act now, and we’ll send you a very cool little device that lets you harvest the nails right off your sleeping kids and neighbors.

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Remember: it’s never a wrong time for personal or tactically offensive hygiene.

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Karnia WhelkWe’re back!   Absolutely everyone should visit the Boot Land ™ once in their lives just so they can eat all that glorious pasta.  We stuffed ourselves every night on the SYN company SuperEuro, and followed it up with a TWO POUND bistecca each. 

You should have seen all the regular tourists when that meat monster was slapped in front of all the skinny Sales staff: their eyes were as big as the dinner plates they only put one appetizer on!  Amateurs.

Still, it’s nice to be home cause I’m tired of all the carbs.  Just an American hamburger and Freedom fries for me now, thanks!  And it’s good to dive back into that ole’ time Science which will someday find a way to fill ravolis with edible diamonds:

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Sung to a Tune: “DARPA, DARPA, How we love you DARPA!  / You make the skies bright with phosphoric light / Grow ears on mice / Drop acid in our water supplies (twice!).”  That’s the song we sing whenever DARPA comes up with new insanisitc stuff and Programmable Matter fits the bill.  The goal of the new project is to “demonstrate a new functional form of matter, based on mesoscale particles, which can reversibly assemble into complex 3D objects upon external command.”  So you can hold a big pile of particles in your hand one second, and the next tell it to become an aircraft carrier and BAM, you’re set to go.  The possibilities here are endless – just think, you could finally do away with your purse carrying around 20 different things and instead carry a paint can filled with goo that you could change endlessly into lipstick (shade: grey), nail file (careful – will mix with your DNA), or can of mace (sprays actual maces) and back again.

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Who Wants A Tentacle?:  Why are ocean scientists complaining about all the jellyfish coming around?  They’re always going on about ‘climate change’ this and ‘extinction level event’ that, getting the inner webbing of their swimsuits in a bunch.  I mean just look at the size of that monster jelly there…now why would you think that’s a bad thing?  Sure, we might not be able to eat fish ever again for less than $30 an ounce, but just think of all the new taste sensations!  Box jellies for hors d’oeuvres, Echizen giant jellyfish for big family meals, and as a spicy tapas treat, the Portuguese Man O’ War!  Spread them on toast, wear them as hats, throw them at friends and enemies: surely we can find many more fun uses for our Cnidarian cousins than any ole fishy-fish-fish.

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Paging Dr. Duh:  A new study says the collapse of the world economy will lead to a major reduction of conspicuous consumption.  Somehow, I think we could have all figured that out, if only because no one likes to bling with oxidized chains and who can afford gold polish anymore in THIS ECONOMY ™.  Still, it is a sad thing…conspicuous consumption has always been the hallmark of American life, ever since Washington had the boat he crossed the Potomac in bronzed and wore it on his belt buckle (for some reason you always hear about the wooden teeth, but not George’s bronze crotch hat).  However, I firmly believe that even as people moderate and tighten their belts (sans giant metal-alloy covered rowboats), we will see less of the “consumption” part, but never the “conspicuous” : no one on this planet is better than Americans at showing off how humble and cheap they can be, so get ready to see rappers high rollin in SmartCars to their local Costco where they’ll buy palettes filled with Dolla! Champagne.

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Sox vs. Pirates, Who wants 'em?……Scalpers.  One of nature’s most beautiful wonders.  Slaving away day and night purchasing massive blocks of tickets, just to be able to give the common fan a chance to show up on the day of the game, pay a near-inconsequential mark-up price, and stroll in to the stadium.

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……But odds are you don’t take a good look at the second hand piece of paper you just dropped your child’s tuition on.  So what happens when you miss the fine print noting a  “slightly obstructed view” and find yourself groin to girder with the stiffest pole in the house?

Why would they build a new stadium and still do this?!

Why would they build a new stadium and still do this?!

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……Well worry no more!  With Stuff You Need’s INSTA’ BLACK HOLE you can instantly eliminate ANYTHING blocking your view of the game.

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……Upon receiving your order, you’ll find two bags made from the finest sandwich grade plastic, sealed with a single, metal-alloy staple, each nestled comfortably in a lead lined trithorium case (which is yours to keep!).  Each bag contains one Higgs boson (the Buddha particle) that has been gyrated to terrifying speeds – you can’t see ’em, but trust us they’re there! Just take the bags with you wherever you go, so you’ll be ready for any situation.  (Note: Never Put Both Bags in the Same Pants Pocket or Pair of Pants)

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……When you find yourself with an obstructed view, simply shake the contents of the two bags into your hands and rub them together vigorously.  Almost immediately you’ll feel a slight tingle as the protons approach the speed of light and slam into each other like sumo wrestlers on crack cocaine.  As soon as you feel matter start to collapse, rub your hands on the offending barrier, sit back and watch SCIENCE! happen. 

 

 

Illustration by Ian Mauer

Illustration by Ian Mauer

 

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……Before long you’ll have a clear view of the ball game, concert, or mega church event – yes, the INSTA’ BLACK HOLE makes any day a singularity sensation.  And, as an added bonus, any fly balls will instantly come your way.

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Also recommended: For our customers purchasing the Insta’ Black Hole, we recommend our Photon Bending Goggles, for those pesky event horizons that can ruin your whole day.

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