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Archive for July, 2009

Beautiful AND magical.

Beautiful AND magical.

……To be perfectly honest, there’s just less and less call for orbiting death platforms these days (I know, crazy right?).  With the world feeling more and more hopeful about a brighter tomorrow, governments are funneling their budgets into space-based “smile” arrays, capable of delivering 100 mega watt Rainbow Lasers to any party on earth.

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(We hear Northrop’s got something in the shape of Obama’s head that transmits ‘Barack Beams’ right into your hopeythallamus.)

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……Well it makes us just sick to see these majestic techno-beasts hanging there unloved, so we’ve decided to do something about it: yes, Stuff You Need is converting (almost) all of its high altitude bombardment satellites to serve the public in a myriad of ways.   First up is a special we’re pleased to offer….

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……It’s summertime, and you want to get your kids outdoors, right?  Well what better way than a basketball hoop to get their fat little legs moving!  “But,” you say, “putting up a hoop is way too hard, and I’m even lazier than my lard ass kids – so what can I do?”

Heyyyy…just take a load off, fatty: Science has got your back.

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……S.Y.N. has just finished retrofitting the Thunder Hammer, our chic  ‘Rods from God’ tungsten-tosser, into the world’s easiest home basketball installation kit:

HOOPS FROM ON HIGH! Previously meant to deliver telephone poles of death anywhere on the planet, Stuff You Need can now embed a fun and healthy family favorite right in your driveway or cul-de-sac.

 

Behold the majesty...

Behold the majesty...

When you buy the kit at any local sporting goods or heavy weapons facility, you’ll find a tiny disc, barely an inch thin – and that’s it!  No huge pipes to carry home or nets to weave, just a wafer-thin microchip that you might mistake for snack.  (Note: Do not eat.)


……Toss that baby right where you want your hoop and we’ll take care of the rest.  Once activated, the disc will contact the satellite, which will calculate telemetry and other cool things, then safely hurl your basketball net right at you at 36,000 feet per second.

 

"Here it comes kids!"   "I love you Mom."

"Here it comes kids...RUN!"


……Soon your kids will be enjoying one of the fastest growing sports in Europe and best of all, you’ll barely have had to lift a finger: thanks Science!


(Warning: Hoops From On High may cause atomic level issues for your surrounding neighborhood – do not place basketball hoop on any fault lines or accidentally activate the tracking device while in your pants)

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