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Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category

Karnia WhelkWe’re back!   Absolutely everyone should visit the Boot Land ™ once in their lives just so they can eat all that glorious pasta.  We stuffed ourselves every night on the SYN company SuperEuro, and followed it up with a TWO POUND bistecca each. 

You should have seen all the regular tourists when that meat monster was slapped in front of all the skinny Sales staff: their eyes were as big as the dinner plates they only put one appetizer on!  Amateurs.

Still, it’s nice to be home cause I’m tired of all the carbs.  Just an American hamburger and Freedom fries for me now, thanks!  And it’s good to dive back into that ole’ time Science which will someday find a way to fill ravolis with edible diamonds:

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Sung to a Tune: “DARPA, DARPA, How we love you DARPA!  / You make the skies bright with phosphoric light / Grow ears on mice / Drop acid in our water supplies (twice!).”  That’s the song we sing whenever DARPA comes up with new insanisitc stuff and Programmable Matter fits the bill.  The goal of the new project is to “demonstrate a new functional form of matter, based on mesoscale particles, which can reversibly assemble into complex 3D objects upon external command.”  So you can hold a big pile of particles in your hand one second, and the next tell it to become an aircraft carrier and BAM, you’re set to go.  The possibilities here are endless – just think, you could finally do away with your purse carrying around 20 different things and instead carry a paint can filled with goo that you could change endlessly into lipstick (shade: grey), nail file (careful – will mix with your DNA), or can of mace (sprays actual maces) and back again.

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Who Wants A Tentacle?:  Why are ocean scientists complaining about all the jellyfish coming around?  They’re always going on about ‘climate change’ this and ‘extinction level event’ that, getting the inner webbing of their swimsuits in a bunch.  I mean just look at the size of that monster jelly there…now why would you think that’s a bad thing?  Sure, we might not be able to eat fish ever again for less than $30 an ounce, but just think of all the new taste sensations!  Box jellies for hors d’oeuvres, Echizen giant jellyfish for big family meals, and as a spicy tapas treat, the Portuguese Man O’ War!  Spread them on toast, wear them as hats, throw them at friends and enemies: surely we can find many more fun uses for our Cnidarian cousins than any ole fishy-fish-fish.

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Paging Dr. Duh:  A new study says the collapse of the world economy will lead to a major reduction of conspicuous consumption.  Somehow, I think we could have all figured that out, if only because no one likes to bling with oxidized chains and who can afford gold polish anymore in THIS ECONOMY ™.  Still, it is a sad thing…conspicuous consumption has always been the hallmark of American life, ever since Washington had the boat he crossed the Potomac in bronzed and wore it on his belt buckle (for some reason you always hear about the wooden teeth, but not George’s bronze crotch hat).  However, I firmly believe that even as people moderate and tighten their belts (sans giant metal-alloy covered rowboats), we will see less of the “consumption” part, but never the “conspicuous” : no one on this planet is better than Americans at showing off how humble and cheap they can be, so get ready to see rappers high rollin in SmartCars to their local Costco where they’ll buy palettes filled with Dolla! Champagne.

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Good Boy

……Oh Center for Disease Control, we could just kiss you.  Without you, how would we have ever known that almost 25,000 people a year are going to the ER just because they tripped over the family dog?  AWESOME.

……Well, not awesome of course for your knees (or Grandma’s hip), but awesome because it means you’ve got a reason to buy a new pair of pants!

……Specifically, Stuff You Need’s PATELLA PISSER PANTS! Designed originally to locate landmines, these fancy pants come equipped with reservoirs located on each knee and tiny, yet powerful hoses.  When the pants detect an object in front of you below crotch height, they let lose with a powerful stream of whatever you want.

……Fill your pants up with water, old booze, bleach or hook it right up to your colostomy bag if you’ve got one.  Heck, use your own urine if you want, and give your dog a taste of his own medicine.

……The Patella Pisser Pants: now you can walk around your own home with a sloshing sense of safety!

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Karnia WhelkCinco De Mayo!  A day late, but I can still enjoy the wonders of drinking the ceremonial Fifth of Mayo to celebrate.  I make my own mayonnaise at home, so I know it’ll go down smooth (the secret is just a hint of Malibu rum when you whip the eggs!).

But my, it’s been a heckuva week since last time I got to Whelk at all of you…a swinging Supreme Court Justice announced his retirement (yep, I’m a Souter-groupie!),we saw the tragic tale of a man dying slowly from extreme metal poisoning in the big screen true story Wolverine, and of course, we had a worldwide epidemic that nearly toppled the global infrastructure that secretly rules all our lives.

……Except then it turned out that the Hamthrax wasn’t too bad, as long as you stopped your daily habit of rubbing bacon under your eyes to hide your sleep bags.

……So everything’s good now right? Well I guess not, because I’ve just heard about…dum dum dum:

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RACCOON FLU! :  Just when you thought it was safe to bring out the garbage, those adorable ringtails are trying to kill you with their poop!  Technically, its worms, not flu, but be that as it may, I don’t think it’s improper to say that we are already doomed by this coming worldwide pandademic.  Those Dr. WHO guys should just go on maximum alert and tell everyone: DO NOT EAT STRANGE RACCOON POOP YOU FIND IN THE STREET.    Maybe this time, people will listen.

(I’d also suggest that Israel get on the ball and try to change the name of this thing to “Canadian Poop Flu” as soon as possible, so they can avoid offending anyone.)

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TESLA TIME: A sad story comes out of Long Island, as it appears fantabulous science magician Nikola Tesla’s old lab Wardenclyffe could be eradicated.  A beacon to all science extremonizers who would follow him, Tesla is a heck of a lot more fun that that constipated old Edison.  Have you been to Edison’s place in Florida?  BOOOORRING.  Give me sexy Tesla’s underground cavern at Tunguska or his deathbed pauper’s hovel in the New Yorker Hotel instead.

Ultimately, I don’t know that Niki would be all that broken up about his old L.I. estate being made into condos, though I expect anyone living there will have to contend with late night experiments and hearing a spectral J.P. Morgan bitch about not getting his money’s worth.

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NUCLEAR WESSEL: And finally, in honor of the upcoming reboot of everyone’s favorite adaptation of Buck Rogers in space, Star Trek, the real Enterprise has gone into drydock for extensive repairs.  Yes, the Navy finally accepted our bid to upgrade the old sea dog into a top flight space vessel, capable of interstellar bombing runs and publicity junkets (provided Paramount doesn’t get too handsy).

If you act now, we can guarantee you a chance to help us test out the effects of an actual ‘warp-core breach’, up close and personal.  You’ll be just like your hero Spock, except we’re not getting anywhere near that safety glass to play Dead Man’s Patty Cake.

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As always, send me your questions or acid spewing flames!

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stuffyouneed[dot]9000[at]gmail[dot]com

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Designer Neri Oxman makes living dead things.

No, not zombies.

Think chairs:

Didn't I see this on Battlestar Galactica?...

Didn't I see this on Battlestar Galactica?...

Like the BEAST here…
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She said she wants to create buildings that “breathe and sweat and think and grow and change”….
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Step right up, don't be afraid, just let the tubes do the work

Step right up, don't be afraid, just let the tubes do the work

……Ahhh…Ok yeah, well, see…about that.  We tried making an apartment block out of synthesized plasma and bone marrow shavings we’d been saving up from every Stuff You Need’s Bone Marrow Shaving Sundays, but, well, let’s just say that the Silent Hill Condo Association didn’t turn out quite right…
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……Oh hell, the specs were gorgeous, totally unique: I mean, there’s nothing like real flesh to make non-Euclidean structures, even if the tenants started to gibber only a few hours after handing over their security deposits.  What were they complaining about?  Having a roof with no angles gives you an amazing view of the night sky and the Old Ones hiding behind the stars.  That’s just added-value.

You don’t even want to know what the place sounds like when the foundations are “settling”

You don’t wanna know what it sounds like when the foundation is “settling”

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……But of course, the main thing people like Oxman forget is when you’ve built something living, its freaking alive.  Meaning you’d damn well better deal with two of my least favorite “S”s: Sex and Shitting.
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……That’s right, you’re all kissing each others asses that first week, blitzed on boysenberry champagne for building the first block of flats with tits, until you go down to do laundry in the basement and realize there’s no septic system in the world that can handle thirty stories of crap.  Not even the New York Post.  (Yeah, suck it Murdoch!)

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Do Not Tease the House

Do Not Tease the House

……So until someone comes up with a 25,000 square foot diaper, let’s stick with your usual stuff like concrete, wood, old tires and crushed glass from used haz-mat containers, and leave the bio-engineering to the guys melting skin for robots.

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(Besides, once you’ve got skyscrapers filled with blood, its only a matter of time until you’ve got vampire pigeons on your hands.)

Columba vampiria

Columba vampiria

– Blarnke out

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Ah, Bacon

Ah, Bacon

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“There is nothing so good that BACON won’t make it better.” – old Porcine Proverb

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One thing we don’t lack for around here at Stuff You Need is competition.  Our various departments are always trying to outdo each other with new products, better service or faster surface-to-air ratios.  Well, the boys in our Inedible Food labs have for too long been the Boston butt of the Foodie lab’s jokes, but now those days are over…

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Yes, our R&D pork fanatics have cracked the bacon atom, releasing deliciously fatty neutron bombs, and they are aiming them at some of the long most hated flavors in our world.  First up: cough syrup.

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That’s right, no more treacly grape or searing cherry death: you’re moving right into flavor country with SWINETUSSIN:

Take Three of These And Call Me In The Morning

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Whether you’re hacking up a lung or the phlegm is phlowing phreely, you want to make sure you enjoy every moment of the medicine you’re going to be taking.  That’s why our top men have been sweating over this one – they’ve combined the finest smoky flavors with giant dobs of crisp fat to create a cough suppressant that puts most Bar-B-Que to shame.  Why, it’s so rich and thick, you can even pour it over your kids’ pancakes to make doctor’s visits a thing of the past!

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So screw the spoonful of sugar and reach for the codeine that packs a real pig punch: SWINETUSSINIt’s bacon for your lungs.

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Goes down smooooooth

Bacony Goodness

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And make sure to try Stuff You Need’s other great flavored cough syrups: Foie Gras, Duck Fat, and, for our vegetarian customer, Tofu.

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Important note: Swinetussin is not a treatment for the Swine flu.  If anything, it’ll probably make it worse and/or give it to you.  Sorry about that.

 

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CLEARANCE!

Thar she blo...geeze, watch it!……Following years of intense Cetacean study that came up empty (who knew how hard it would be to get whales to carry warheads in their mouths without crying?), Stuff You Need has got warehouses full of WHALE WATER that has to go!

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……Our supply of Whale Water, more commonly referred to as “Whale Snot,” comes from years of collecting discharges from only the finest blowholes in the sea.  Aged and flavored by the most ginormous lungs on the planet and compressed by millions of pounds of deep ocean pressure, Whale Water has a myriad of home uses you’ll love spending hours trying to figure out.

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……So when ambergris is just economically and legally impracticable, try our high quality Whale Water and coat yourself in majestic mucous.

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Mr. President

Mr. President

“T-Ray” Rayburne here everyone, happy to be ‘rappin’ at ya!

I know times are tough.  Everyone’s struggling to put food on the dinner table or fuel in their third jet, and the SuperEuro just doesn’t go as far as it used to in the shadow economy.  You’ve got to squeeze every penny, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still please your palette.

And in that frame of mind I want to treat my Stuff You Need custome…no, no, my Stuff You Need FRIENDS.

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Yep, I have decided to open up my private stock of incredibly scarce IRRAWADDY DOLPHINS for you to liven up your next BBQ!

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Nature's delicious majesty

Nature's delicious majesty

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Sure, every red-blooded American loves burgers and hot dogs are fine for the kids, but they simply won’t lift the spirits of a down home cow poke on bail for securities fraud.  What he needs is the fine, succulent taste that only dolphin, fresh off the grill, can provide.

And not just any idiot net-caught dolphin, these spicy Irrawaddy dolphins are direct from the sub-continent.  Rare?  You bet, but hell, serve ‘em however you like!  After all, swimming in that Bangladeshinine water makes the meat so tender, it’s fall off the fin delicious.

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……Order some today and we’ll airlift them straight to your front door, all prepped for grillin’, and with a complimentary apple stuffed in the blowhole.

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……And now don’t you ever say that ole’ T-Ray never did anything for his friends or wildlife.  Especially to a DHS agent.

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