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Archive for the ‘Bioengineering’ Category

……New Item!  Especially for our customers who make love to their TiVo or Cable DVR every night, Stuff You Need has got a fabulous new wonder drug that will change your life…

……Have you ever found yourself sitting down for your favorite show only to realize that it’s just starting?  And so that means you can’t fast forward through the commercials?  Right.  Your DVR is now more f’ing useless than running vinaigrette through a centrifuge.

……Hell, that’s a long fifteen minutes you’ve got to sit there, waiting for enough time to have passed so you never have to watch even one vile commercial.  And what are you gonna do all that time?  Talk to your loved ones?  Isn’t that the reason you got DVR in the first place – to have non-stop TV blaring at you every second you’re home?

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……Well you can thank god for Science – and Stuff You Need – for NARCO-NAP!

Dr. ViewGood

NARCO-NAP is the only pill you can safely pop that will knock you out cold and then have you up and raring to go a moment later, charged to watch Gossip Girls.  While you’re dead to the world, you’ll be banking that precious DVR time you can use to fly through your shows, and you’ll never be drawn in to any conversations or quickie, chaffing sex while you wait.

……You’ll get a whole range of pill strengths pegged perfectly to the Neilsen second when you order: half-hour sitcom, one hour drama, mini-series, and even ‘sweeps week.’  (And now try our strongest formula yet: the SNL special!)

……So when roofies are just too untrustworthy and a few minutes alone with your thoughts would be an absolute personal hell, try NARCO-NAP and get back to the best part of your life: watching other people’s lives on TV.

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Karnia WhelkWe’re back!   Absolutely everyone should visit the Boot Land ™ once in their lives just so they can eat all that glorious pasta.  We stuffed ourselves every night on the SYN company SuperEuro, and followed it up with a TWO POUND bistecca each. 

You should have seen all the regular tourists when that meat monster was slapped in front of all the skinny Sales staff: their eyes were as big as the dinner plates they only put one appetizer on!  Amateurs.

Still, it’s nice to be home cause I’m tired of all the carbs.  Just an American hamburger and Freedom fries for me now, thanks!  And it’s good to dive back into that ole’ time Science which will someday find a way to fill ravolis with edible diamonds:

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Sung to a Tune: “DARPA, DARPA, How we love you DARPA!  / You make the skies bright with phosphoric light / Grow ears on mice / Drop acid in our water supplies (twice!).”  That’s the song we sing whenever DARPA comes up with new insanisitc stuff and Programmable Matter fits the bill.  The goal of the new project is to “demonstrate a new functional form of matter, based on mesoscale particles, which can reversibly assemble into complex 3D objects upon external command.”  So you can hold a big pile of particles in your hand one second, and the next tell it to become an aircraft carrier and BAM, you’re set to go.  The possibilities here are endless – just think, you could finally do away with your purse carrying around 20 different things and instead carry a paint can filled with goo that you could change endlessly into lipstick (shade: grey), nail file (careful – will mix with your DNA), or can of mace (sprays actual maces) and back again.

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Who Wants A Tentacle?:  Why are ocean scientists complaining about all the jellyfish coming around?  They’re always going on about ‘climate change’ this and ‘extinction level event’ that, getting the inner webbing of their swimsuits in a bunch.  I mean just look at the size of that monster jelly there…now why would you think that’s a bad thing?  Sure, we might not be able to eat fish ever again for less than $30 an ounce, but just think of all the new taste sensations!  Box jellies for hors d’oeuvres, Echizen giant jellyfish for big family meals, and as a spicy tapas treat, the Portuguese Man O’ War!  Spread them on toast, wear them as hats, throw them at friends and enemies: surely we can find many more fun uses for our Cnidarian cousins than any ole fishy-fish-fish.

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Paging Dr. Duh:  A new study says the collapse of the world economy will lead to a major reduction of conspicuous consumption.  Somehow, I think we could have all figured that out, if only because no one likes to bling with oxidized chains and who can afford gold polish anymore in THIS ECONOMY ™.  Still, it is a sad thing…conspicuous consumption has always been the hallmark of American life, ever since Washington had the boat he crossed the Potomac in bronzed and wore it on his belt buckle (for some reason you always hear about the wooden teeth, but not George’s bronze crotch hat).  However, I firmly believe that even as people moderate and tighten their belts (sans giant metal-alloy covered rowboats), we will see less of the “consumption” part, but never the “conspicuous” : no one on this planet is better than Americans at showing off how humble and cheap they can be, so get ready to see rappers high rollin in SmartCars to their local Costco where they’ll buy palettes filled with Dolla! Champagne.

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Karnia Whelk……Oh sweet zombie Jeblon, I feel awful!  I finally got hit with that nasty H1N1 (the HONE-NONE) or Swine Flu.  I avoided it as long as possible, until Horatio came around with a bucket full of it and drenched everyone in pure pig snot.  He said T-Ray wanted to get everyone infected at once, so our chances of developing a vaccine from our weekly blood donations would go way up.  I didn’t even realize they were taking our blood, but I guess that explains the prick I feel when I go to the bathroom.

Lord! I swear, things are coming out of me like you wouldn’t believe, so let’s get you Scienced before my poor pores start drooling again.

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TEXTING – THE VIBRATING KILLER: A new study on the dangers of texting while driving confirmed that when you don’t have your hands on the wheel or your eyes on the road and are in fact totally oblivious to the world around you, you’re an idiot.  Oh yes, as a parent, I know teens are going to want to qwerty to their friends no matter what, which is why I insist on them using our brain-computer hook up in the car, so they can Tweet hands free.  It’s not the best solution, since they often black out from the strain of concentrating, but I’m a firm believer that the cops will treat your corpse with more respect if they find your hands at 10 and 2.

……(Incidentally, you can follow Stuff You Need on Twitter too, at http://twitter.com/StuffYouNeed , where all the social marketers on the planet are converging into a Twingularity)

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80085: For some reason, the ACLU is going kooky over the government granting patents on breast cancer genes.  I don’t see what the fuss is all about: what could go wrong with giant, innocently named corporations owning the rights to the very building blocks of life?   At worst, they might aerosolize cancer, but that would just put this Swine Flu in perspective, no?

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ONCE YOU GO BLACK… : You can bet our ears perked up this past week when we saw that the Pentagon’s budget for Secretly Clandestine Black Ops went past the magical $50 Billion mark.  Phasers, weaponized drone bees, satellites that can  Photoshop you into embarrassing situations with your neighbors from miles up – oh yes, its all in there.  But Stuff You Need, ever the voice of reason, has to ask: where’s the love?  Sure, you can build all kinds of fun gadgets and DARPA can make all of Oklahoma’s hair green on alternate Thursdays, but is $50 Billion going to hollow out the Moon and make it Earth’s personal Death Star to conquer the galaxy?

……No.  It’s not.  And that’s a shame that I don’t think will sit well with the American people.

……It’s high time for all the red blooded Americans of this great land to rise up and shout:

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We’re tired of paying all these taxes without something really cool to show for it!

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We demand that planet America be ready to plunder Pluto’s pulchritudinous pesos!

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We are waiting for your reply, President Obama.

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Designer Neri Oxman makes living dead things.

No, not zombies.

Think chairs:

Didn't I see this on Battlestar Galactica?...

Didn't I see this on Battlestar Galactica?...

Like the BEAST here…
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She said she wants to create buildings that “breathe and sweat and think and grow and change”….
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Step right up, don't be afraid, just let the tubes do the work

Step right up, don't be afraid, just let the tubes do the work

……Ahhh…Ok yeah, well, see…about that.  We tried making an apartment block out of synthesized plasma and bone marrow shavings we’d been saving up from every Stuff You Need’s Bone Marrow Shaving Sundays, but, well, let’s just say that the Silent Hill Condo Association didn’t turn out quite right…
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……Oh hell, the specs were gorgeous, totally unique: I mean, there’s nothing like real flesh to make non-Euclidean structures, even if the tenants started to gibber only a few hours after handing over their security deposits.  What were they complaining about?  Having a roof with no angles gives you an amazing view of the night sky and the Old Ones hiding behind the stars.  That’s just added-value.

You don’t even want to know what the place sounds like when the foundations are “settling”

You don’t wanna know what it sounds like when the foundation is “settling”

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……But of course, the main thing people like Oxman forget is when you’ve built something living, its freaking alive.  Meaning you’d damn well better deal with two of my least favorite “S”s: Sex and Shitting.
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……That’s right, you’re all kissing each others asses that first week, blitzed on boysenberry champagne for building the first block of flats with tits, until you go down to do laundry in the basement and realize there’s no septic system in the world that can handle thirty stories of crap.  Not even the New York Post.  (Yeah, suck it Murdoch!)

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Do Not Tease the House

Do Not Tease the House

……So until someone comes up with a 25,000 square foot diaper, let’s stick with your usual stuff like concrete, wood, old tires and crushed glass from used haz-mat containers, and leave the bio-engineering to the guys melting skin for robots.

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(Besides, once you’ve got skyscrapers filled with blood, its only a matter of time until you’ve got vampire pigeons on your hands.)

Columba vampiria

Columba vampiria

– Blarnke out

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Horatio FinespunApple announced its billionth iPhone App download and I applaud and bite my thumb at them. Seriously, we should be the ones getting that lovely publicity, but no: Apple rejected all of Stuff You Need’s proposed Apps , each one a thousand times more useful than the current ‘social media’ wankfests on offer. I mean, as far as real-world, practical applications go, how could you beat these?:

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Do Me A Solenoid : when you activate this App, you’ll turn your iPhone into a powerful electromagnet capable of picking up loose change from miles away, finding the remote control, or flipping the car of that bastard who double parked.

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DNAmazing : as security systems become frighteningly formidable, you’re likely to run into more and more biometric screeners which are difficult to beat. Luckily, with this App switched on, just press the appropriate finger against the iPhone touch screen and you’ll have no problem beating the latest systems. That’s because the App tells the iPhone to unlock its radiation safety measures (factory sealed by pansy hippies in Apple corporate) and irradiate your finger with intense blasts of microwaves. The result is scrambled DNA which can confuse any reader enough to let you in.

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And for the kids a GPS: Global Pwning System : just link up to your friends and gaming systems with this App and when you burn them down online, their iPhone will deliver a an electrical shock powerful enough to loosen anyone’s bowels. “Pwned,” indeed.

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Come on Apple, let us have a little fun.

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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

Crap.  Ok people, listen up.
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That restorative fetal goo we were selling recently?  You know, the goop some of you were calling “Baby Butter,” which is just so damn disgusting if you ask me ….well, there’s a problem.

……Something in the gene matrix we used….hold on.  (What?  No.  I’m telling them now, why?  How many extra fingers?  Look, just divide by the number of toes and cut off the excess.  I don’t care which.  Just make sure to leave her something opposable.)

….Ok, where was I?
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Long story short, please send in every tube, bottle or tub of that gloop ASAP.  But for the love of Jeblon, keep it separate.  You don’t wanna be anywhere near this stuff when more than 8oz. is able to communicate with each other.
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……
Blarnke out.

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STOCK UP

RoosterStraight from our Edible Foods department comes this exciting news: “Choking your chicken is no longer just for fun – now it’s an easy way to make savory soups for the entire family!”

Here’s how: years of bioengineering have left certain breeds of our hens as rubbery and tough as Keith Richards.  Who wants to eat that, even as a McNugget?  And of course these birds are of limited use to our Disaster Shop because they just don’t hit the turbines right.

So what to do with a coop full of vulcanized peckers?

You do what Momma always did with a tough cock: soupify it!

The great news is, these ‘RUBBER’ CHICKENS are primed to make stock preparation faster than ever.  As their bones have all been turned elastic, all you have to do is cut off their feet, grab them by the neck squeeeeeeze downwards, squirting out all that lovely marrow into your waiting stock pot.

Now you don’t have to spend hours slaving over a hot stove just to get that delicious matrix of flavor you’d sell your own kids for, because it’s easier than getting that last drop of toothpaste out of the tube.

We also recommend: Stuff You Need’s “Ear Sealant” is a godsend when working your ‘Rubber’ Chicken.  Trust us – you’ve never heard a sound quite like a bird being turned into the equivalent of ketchup packet.

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