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Archive for the ‘Body Modification’ Category

Snap-Crackle-Pop……Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has been the Black Death of office workers for decades, and let’s face it, the advent of the computer was just one more bubo on the groin of the human arm (i.e. the wrist).

Most typists suffered in whiny silence for years – well, S.Y.N.’s brand new WRIST WROCKETS puts an end to all that!  Utilizing sweet mag-lev technology, we’ve created the most amazing bracelets since those crappy copper things golfers insist help their swing.
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Get the salad spoons, man!

Get the salad spoons, man!

……Following a standardly invasive medical procedure, the Wrist Wrocket will be bonded to your radius and ulna with thermite pins, and ‘presto!’, your wrists will forever more be suspended on a gentle cushion of air, no matter where you are.
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Customers ask why the devices must be permanently grafted and the answer is simple: in the potentially rare event of a total failure, Wrists Wrocket users will be pleased when the device can’t erupt up their arm, possibly removing several layers of everything.  Yes, that’s the safety and quality Stuff You Need stands just off to the left of.

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Movement will be slightly restricted

Movement will be slightly restricted

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But don’t take our admittedly awesome word for it…

……At the end of a long day at the office, my wrists were so stressed, I thought my tendons were going to tear out of my arms and strangle me.  But with my new Wrist Wrockets, I can type 70 words per minute for 12 hours straight and still get home ready to smack my kids.  THANKS Stuff You Need!

– Dorthoy Balathe

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THE NOSE KNOWS

Gray's Anatomy Nose

Take a deep breath and you know it:

Allergy season is upon us.

That happy time of year when all the plants and trees remind us who’s really gNo Noseot the edge on planetary biomass, and vent their sexual dalliances all over us.

Yes, we all must suffer the vagaries of pollen, just some more than most.  Luckily, Stuff You Need is there to lend more than just a Kleenex and a ‘rum ‘n antihistamine’.  When nose filters are clogged black with gunktrilism and you’re cutting the ants out from under your skin as you come down from the latest nasal spray high, turn to: The NASER.

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Perfected through years of delicate ‘not screwing up’, the Naser (Nasal Laser Norbital Ring) is a stunning advance in the fight against your idiot body stupidly releasing Interleukins 4 and 6.

The Naser consists of two small, one size fits a lot rings that are slotted in each nostril; while you can’t see them, each ring is positively brimming with microscopic laser gun batteries, all prepared to atomize any particles that dare come close to your nose.  The secret is that the rings are both bonded to your nose and draw power from your own bioelectrical energy.  That’s right:  you never need worry about finding AAAAAAAA batteries for them!

Nose Out

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Gone are the days of a runny nose ruining your springtime walks, as all you’ll get is the sweet scent of ozone.  And it even works for pet dander, so you can freely sleep with your nineteen cats.  Yes, the Naser is a searing halo of death for all airborne, nose tickling particulates, and now this nasal Star Wars defense system is ready to emancipate your sinuses.

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(Please note: On the rare occasions when you still have the urge to sneeze, for the love of God, don’t.  Otherwise, you might feel a slight roasting sensation in your general area.

Fred Ott Sneeze

If you must sternutate, we recommend Stuff You Need’s Lead-Mesh Glove for your ‘manners hand,’ and subsequently we recommend Stuff You Need’s Anti-Lead Poisoning Kit.

(Unfortunately, at this time we are unable to offer a similar ocular laser device to protect your eyes because, well, duh.)

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B-Boy Spine: Before

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Have years of popping, locking, and general slammin’ left your back limper than Wilford Brimley’s mustache?

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Does the thought of throwing down make

your discs itch?

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Has your freeze melted?

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B-Boy Spine: After Nuclear SpineWell then, you need to get your hands on our patent-pending NUCLEAR SPINE!

Straight from cyborg R&D, this incredible advancement in Walktallagy ™  was originally designed as part of a grant for Congressional leaders crippled by years of falling asleep during budget meetings, but now Stuff You Need is proud to be able to offer it to the public!

A simple, do it yourself outpatient procedure is all it takes to get rid of your pulped, weak-ass, human spine and replace it with a darling of chrome and fission.  Housing a lead-cooled, fast breeder reactor salvaged from a Russian naval junkyard, your new spine will give you an eternity of the brightest flares imaginable.

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So why suffer another day on the sidelines of the cypher?  Get back in the battle with style and put those ‘bone-backers’ to shame with your own insane chain reaction.

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For those who act now, every purchase of a Nuclear Spine also comes with a lifetime supply of highly enriched uranium!

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(Warning: Landing a massive head drop out of a munch airflare may trigger an Extinction Level Event – please be aware of your town’s nuclear bylaws before getting nasty.)

B-Boy ELE

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