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Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Karnia WhelkWe’re back!   Absolutely everyone should visit the Boot Land ™ once in their lives just so they can eat all that glorious pasta.  We stuffed ourselves every night on the SYN company SuperEuro, and followed it up with a TWO POUND bistecca each. 

You should have seen all the regular tourists when that meat monster was slapped in front of all the skinny Sales staff: their eyes were as big as the dinner plates they only put one appetizer on!  Amateurs.

Still, it’s nice to be home cause I’m tired of all the carbs.  Just an American hamburger and Freedom fries for me now, thanks!  And it’s good to dive back into that ole’ time Science which will someday find a way to fill ravolis with edible diamonds:

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Sung to a Tune: “DARPA, DARPA, How we love you DARPA!  / You make the skies bright with phosphoric light / Grow ears on mice / Drop acid in our water supplies (twice!).”  That’s the song we sing whenever DARPA comes up with new insanisitc stuff and Programmable Matter fits the bill.  The goal of the new project is to “demonstrate a new functional form of matter, based on mesoscale particles, which can reversibly assemble into complex 3D objects upon external command.”  So you can hold a big pile of particles in your hand one second, and the next tell it to become an aircraft carrier and BAM, you’re set to go.  The possibilities here are endless – just think, you could finally do away with your purse carrying around 20 different things and instead carry a paint can filled with goo that you could change endlessly into lipstick (shade: grey), nail file (careful – will mix with your DNA), or can of mace (sprays actual maces) and back again.

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Who Wants A Tentacle?:  Why are ocean scientists complaining about all the jellyfish coming around?  They’re always going on about ‘climate change’ this and ‘extinction level event’ that, getting the inner webbing of their swimsuits in a bunch.  I mean just look at the size of that monster jelly there…now why would you think that’s a bad thing?  Sure, we might not be able to eat fish ever again for less than $30 an ounce, but just think of all the new taste sensations!  Box jellies for hors d’oeuvres, Echizen giant jellyfish for big family meals, and as a spicy tapas treat, the Portuguese Man O’ War!  Spread them on toast, wear them as hats, throw them at friends and enemies: surely we can find many more fun uses for our Cnidarian cousins than any ole fishy-fish-fish.

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Paging Dr. Duh:  A new study says the collapse of the world economy will lead to a major reduction of conspicuous consumption.  Somehow, I think we could have all figured that out, if only because no one likes to bling with oxidized chains and who can afford gold polish anymore in THIS ECONOMY ™.  Still, it is a sad thing…conspicuous consumption has always been the hallmark of American life, ever since Washington had the boat he crossed the Potomac in bronzed and wore it on his belt buckle (for some reason you always hear about the wooden teeth, but not George’s bronze crotch hat).  However, I firmly believe that even as people moderate and tighten their belts (sans giant metal-alloy covered rowboats), we will see less of the “consumption” part, but never the “conspicuous” : no one on this planet is better than Americans at showing off how humble and cheap they can be, so get ready to see rappers high rollin in SmartCars to their local Costco where they’ll buy palettes filled with Dolla! Champagne.

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Just blow on it a little

Just blow on it a little

When it was revealed that drinking tea hotter than 158 degrees Fahrenheit could octuple your chances of throat cancer, the S.Y.N. offices understandably freaked out.

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Then we realized we all actually drink coffee like normal people and forgot about it.

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Except of course for Horatio, who’s a full on Brissy (British pussy) and is still asking people to look at his tubes everyday.  And of course he whipped R&D back into a frenzy to find a solution (because just using a couple of damn ice cubes wasn’t Sciencesque enough).

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……Luckily, an easy breakthrough in polydendrole thermodynamics later and we had the answer: LORD KELVIN’S PERFECT CUPPA.

Big Daddy K

Big Daddy K

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Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

……Futrofitted with a common household magneto-optical trap, this teacup is photonized at a ridiculous rate, the light revolving through the tea thanks to the anti-helmholtz configuration of the cup’s coils which trap and disperse every other leaf-infused drop.  The end result is nothing short of a revolution in the field of tea-technology: a teacup which impatiently forces your tea to swap between 459.7 °F and −459.7 °F ……………………………………………………………faster than you can say “Scone?” .

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Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

That’s right, your throat will never suffer the unnerving effects of cancer again because the massive temperature fluctuations of your Sleepytime blend will fully hornswoggle your neck nerves; yes sir, your tea will be in your tummy long before your esophagus figures out whether it should oncogenize uncontrollably or kick back with its slippers on.  And you’ll have had a civilized cuppa without making a sacrifice to the dreaded “lukewarm tea ogre.”

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……So, if you must drink tea, and you must have it hot, try Lord Kelvin’s Perfect Cuppa and treat yourself to some of the slipperiest superfluids you’ve ever sipped!

Earl Grey would be proud

Earl Grey would be proud

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……Oh, and I guess you could use the Cuppa for other drinks if you want…but not Hot Chocolate!  That would be madness.

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Caution: Once your tea is poured into the Cuppa, please drink it immediately.  Failure to do so may allow time for your tea to escape from the Cuppa and into the atmosphere of your home or place of business, where a bosenova could, and likely will, occur.  And no, you won’t be able to dance to it, what with your feet being a fine pink mist.
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Ah, Bacon

Ah, Bacon

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“There is nothing so good that BACON won’t make it better.” – old Porcine Proverb

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One thing we don’t lack for around here at Stuff You Need is competition.  Our various departments are always trying to outdo each other with new products, better service or faster surface-to-air ratios.  Well, the boys in our Inedible Food labs have for too long been the Boston butt of the Foodie lab’s jokes, but now those days are over…

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Yes, our R&D pork fanatics have cracked the bacon atom, releasing deliciously fatty neutron bombs, and they are aiming them at some of the long most hated flavors in our world.  First up: cough syrup.

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That’s right, no more treacly grape or searing cherry death: you’re moving right into flavor country with SWINETUSSIN:

Take Three of These And Call Me In The Morning

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Whether you’re hacking up a lung or the phlegm is phlowing phreely, you want to make sure you enjoy every moment of the medicine you’re going to be taking.  That’s why our top men have been sweating over this one – they’ve combined the finest smoky flavors with giant dobs of crisp fat to create a cough suppressant that puts most Bar-B-Que to shame.  Why, it’s so rich and thick, you can even pour it over your kids’ pancakes to make doctor’s visits a thing of the past!

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So screw the spoonful of sugar and reach for the codeine that packs a real pig punch: SWINETUSSINIt’s bacon for your lungs.

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Goes down smooooooth

Bacony Goodness

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And make sure to try Stuff You Need’s other great flavored cough syrups: Foie Gras, Duck Fat, and, for our vegetarian customer, Tofu.

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Important note: Swinetussin is not a treatment for the Swine flu.  If anything, it’ll probably make it worse and/or give it to you.  Sorry about that.

 

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Mr. President

Mr. President

“T-Ray” Rayburne here everyone, happy to be ‘rappin’ at ya!

I know times are tough.  Everyone’s struggling to put food on the dinner table or fuel in their third jet, and the SuperEuro just doesn’t go as far as it used to in the shadow economy.  You’ve got to squeeze every penny, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still please your palette.

And in that frame of mind I want to treat my Stuff You Need custome…no, no, my Stuff You Need FRIENDS.

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Yep, I have decided to open up my private stock of incredibly scarce IRRAWADDY DOLPHINS for you to liven up your next BBQ!

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Nature's delicious majesty

Nature's delicious majesty

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Sure, every red-blooded American loves burgers and hot dogs are fine for the kids, but they simply won’t lift the spirits of a down home cow poke on bail for securities fraud.  What he needs is the fine, succulent taste that only dolphin, fresh off the grill, can provide.

And not just any idiot net-caught dolphin, these spicy Irrawaddy dolphins are direct from the sub-continent.  Rare?  You bet, but hell, serve ‘em however you like!  After all, swimming in that Bangladeshinine water makes the meat so tender, it’s fall off the fin delicious.

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……Order some today and we’ll airlift them straight to your front door, all prepped for grillin’, and with a complimentary apple stuffed in the blowhole.

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……And now don’t you ever say that ole’ T-Ray never did anything for his friends or wildlife.  Especially to a DHS agent.

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STOCK UP

RoosterStraight from our Edible Foods department comes this exciting news: “Choking your chicken is no longer just for fun – now it’s an easy way to make savory soups for the entire family!”

Here’s how: years of bioengineering have left certain breeds of our hens as rubbery and tough as Keith Richards.  Who wants to eat that, even as a McNugget?  And of course these birds are of limited use to our Disaster Shop because they just don’t hit the turbines right.

So what to do with a coop full of vulcanized peckers?

You do what Momma always did with a tough cock: soupify it!

The great news is, these ‘RUBBER’ CHICKENS are primed to make stock preparation faster than ever.  As their bones have all been turned elastic, all you have to do is cut off their feet, grab them by the neck squeeeeeeze downwards, squirting out all that lovely marrow into your waiting stock pot.

Now you don’t have to spend hours slaving over a hot stove just to get that delicious matrix of flavor you’d sell your own kids for, because it’s easier than getting that last drop of toothpaste out of the tube.

We also recommend: Stuff You Need’s “Ear Sealant” is a godsend when working your ‘Rubber’ Chicken.  Trust us – you’ve never heard a sound quite like a bird being turned into the equivalent of ketchup packet.

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