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Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

……New Item!  Especially for our customers who make love to their TiVo or Cable DVR every night, Stuff You Need has got a fabulous new wonder drug that will change your life…

……Have you ever found yourself sitting down for your favorite show only to realize that it’s just starting?  And so that means you can’t fast forward through the commercials?  Right.  Your DVR is now more f’ing useless than running vinaigrette through a centrifuge.

……Hell, that’s a long fifteen minutes you’ve got to sit there, waiting for enough time to have passed so you never have to watch even one vile commercial.  And what are you gonna do all that time?  Talk to your loved ones?  Isn’t that the reason you got DVR in the first place – to have non-stop TV blaring at you every second you’re home?

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……Well you can thank god for Science – and Stuff You Need – for NARCO-NAP!

Dr. ViewGood

NARCO-NAP is the only pill you can safely pop that will knock you out cold and then have you up and raring to go a moment later, charged to watch Gossip Girls.  While you’re dead to the world, you’ll be banking that precious DVR time you can use to fly through your shows, and you’ll never be drawn in to any conversations or quickie, chaffing sex while you wait.

……You’ll get a whole range of pill strengths pegged perfectly to the Neilsen second when you order: half-hour sitcom, one hour drama, mini-series, and even ‘sweeps week.’  (And now try our strongest formula yet: the SNL special!)

……So when roofies are just too untrustworthy and a few minutes alone with your thoughts would be an absolute personal hell, try NARCO-NAP and get back to the best part of your life: watching other people’s lives on TV.

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Rex Gentleman……Hey loyal Stuff You Need shoppers – Rex Gentlemen, Head of Sales, here.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been up late at night hunting for the next ShamMeow product you can poach, and you’ve probably seen these crazy ads with half-dead celebrities offering you Cash for any random Gold you have lying about the house.

Why, Hammer, why?

Why, Hammer, why?

After a long good laugh and a test to see if any of my fillings were loose, I got to thinking….in these tough economic times, who the heck has got spare gold lying around the house? 

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Isn’t there are renewable resource we all have access to that is going unutilized?

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Hell yes there is, and I’m happy to say that as long as you’re leprosy and homeless-free, then you’re sitting on a goldmine friend – or more accurately, picking your nose with a goldmine.

Note: nails not actually gold

Note: nails not actually gold

That’s right, Stuff You Need is swollen with pride to announce our new program where we will send you cash for every finger or toenail you no longer want or have a use for.  Our scientists have found a way to boil down all that keratin into some wonderful new products we all desperately crave:

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Crisp Nose Cone – calcified ‘old people’ nails can be used to replace the heat shields on missiles and the space shuttle’s nose cone

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– the razor sharp nails of babies are turned into the latest ceramic knives and ninja throwing stars which can easily beat airport metal detectors

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– and crisp clean nails are the perfect consistency and color to form new iPod casings and earbudsnailPod

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So save up a bunch of your next clippings in a handy soda can for a big reward, or send them in constantly as you trim down to the bone for a steady stream of income.  Act now, and we’ll send you a very cool little device that lets you harvest the nails right off your sleeping kids and neighbors.

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Remember: it’s never a wrong time for personal or tactically offensive hygiene.

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Good Boy

……Oh Center for Disease Control, we could just kiss you.  Without you, how would we have ever known that almost 25,000 people a year are going to the ER just because they tripped over the family dog?  AWESOME.

……Well, not awesome of course for your knees (or Grandma’s hip), but awesome because it means you’ve got a reason to buy a new pair of pants!

……Specifically, Stuff You Need’s PATELLA PISSER PANTS! Designed originally to locate landmines, these fancy pants come equipped with reservoirs located on each knee and tiny, yet powerful hoses.  When the pants detect an object in front of you below crotch height, they let lose with a powerful stream of whatever you want.

……Fill your pants up with water, old booze, bleach or hook it right up to your colostomy bag if you’ve got one.  Heck, use your own urine if you want, and give your dog a taste of his own medicine.

……The Patella Pisser Pants: now you can walk around your own home with a sloshing sense of safety!

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Just blow on it a little

Just blow on it a little

When it was revealed that drinking tea hotter than 158 degrees Fahrenheit could octuple your chances of throat cancer, the S.Y.N. offices understandably freaked out.

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Then we realized we all actually drink coffee like normal people and forgot about it.

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Except of course for Horatio, who’s a full on Brissy (British pussy) and is still asking people to look at his tubes everyday.  And of course he whipped R&D back into a frenzy to find a solution (because just using a couple of damn ice cubes wasn’t Sciencesque enough).

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……Luckily, an easy breakthrough in polydendrole thermodynamics later and we had the answer: LORD KELVIN’S PERFECT CUPPA.

Big Daddy K

Big Daddy K

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Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

……Futrofitted with a common household magneto-optical trap, this teacup is photonized at a ridiculous rate, the light revolving through the tea thanks to the anti-helmholtz configuration of the cup’s coils which trap and disperse every other leaf-infused drop.  The end result is nothing short of a revolution in the field of tea-technology: a teacup which impatiently forces your tea to swap between 459.7 °F and −459.7 °F ……………………………………………………………faster than you can say “Scone?” .

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Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

That’s right, your throat will never suffer the unnerving effects of cancer again because the massive temperature fluctuations of your Sleepytime blend will fully hornswoggle your neck nerves; yes sir, your tea will be in your tummy long before your esophagus figures out whether it should oncogenize uncontrollably or kick back with its slippers on.  And you’ll have had a civilized cuppa without making a sacrifice to the dreaded “lukewarm tea ogre.”

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……So, if you must drink tea, and you must have it hot, try Lord Kelvin’s Perfect Cuppa and treat yourself to some of the slipperiest superfluids you’ve ever sipped!

Earl Grey would be proud

Earl Grey would be proud

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……Oh, and I guess you could use the Cuppa for other drinks if you want…but not Hot Chocolate!  That would be madness.

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Caution: Once your tea is poured into the Cuppa, please drink it immediately.  Failure to do so may allow time for your tea to escape from the Cuppa and into the atmosphere of your home or place of business, where a bosenova could, and likely will, occur.  And no, you won’t be able to dance to it, what with your feet being a fine pink mist.
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Snap-Crackle-Pop……Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has been the Black Death of office workers for decades, and let’s face it, the advent of the computer was just one more bubo on the groin of the human arm (i.e. the wrist).

Most typists suffered in whiny silence for years – well, S.Y.N.’s brand new WRIST WROCKETS puts an end to all that!  Utilizing sweet mag-lev technology, we’ve created the most amazing bracelets since those crappy copper things golfers insist help their swing.
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Get the salad spoons, man!

Get the salad spoons, man!

……Following a standardly invasive medical procedure, the Wrist Wrocket will be bonded to your radius and ulna with thermite pins, and ‘presto!’, your wrists will forever more be suspended on a gentle cushion of air, no matter where you are.
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Customers ask why the devices must be permanently grafted and the answer is simple: in the potentially rare event of a total failure, Wrists Wrocket users will be pleased when the device can’t erupt up their arm, possibly removing several layers of everything.  Yes, that’s the safety and quality Stuff You Need stands just off to the left of.

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Movement will be slightly restricted

Movement will be slightly restricted

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But don’t take our admittedly awesome word for it…

……At the end of a long day at the office, my wrists were so stressed, I thought my tendons were going to tear out of my arms and strangle me.  But with my new Wrist Wrockets, I can type 70 words per minute for 12 hours straight and still get home ready to smack my kids.  THANKS Stuff You Need!

– Dorthoy Balathe

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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

……Sorry people, the party’s over.  A couple of bad apples ruined it for the rest of us.

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……I just knew it on this one.  “Why the hell would it make a difference?” I said, “a junkie’s a junkie.”  It doesn’t matter if he’s bubbling up blood with a dirty pair of underwear wrapped around his arm lying in a flophouse in Denver or in an internet café.

……I begged Rex to only make it available to our VIP customers, but nope, that wouldn’t be “democratic.”
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……So yeah, unfortunately we gotta recall the USB HEROIN.

E-Brown

E-Brown

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Looks like it's back to the bottle for us

Looks like it's back to the bottle

……Oh, I know, easiest thing in the world, right?  Run the electronic syringe off your computer and deliver that sweet synthetic brown right where you need it most: your veins.  But no.  As soon as the white hats got wind of poor people using smack that was possibly slightly less addictive and meant they wouldn’t be using dirty needles anymore, well that was it.  No more Mr. FDA approval.

……Apparently, it’s against official policy to get the plebs in this country hooked on anything that doesn’t glue casters to their hands and push them down a spiral staircase.

……So start shipping it back to us.  And don’t dawdle.  Or I’ll send Chet out to cluck you.

– Blarnke out.

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Horatio Finespun

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Problem: Zombies.

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Solution: Well, now that’s the trick, isn’t it? Zombies are everybody’s problem, whether they’re nosing through your garbage or eating your neighbour’s house pets, but there’s really a lack of productive techniques for handling them.

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Lord, I was born a shamblin mannnn

Lord, I was born a shamblin mannnn

Oh certainly, you can blast them to kingdom come with your titular ‘shotty’ or set fire to their wrecked flesh, but we both know that just leaves an awful mess (and it’s just as likely that when you’re down and scrubbing, that that’s when another of the bastards will get you).

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……No. I just knew there had to be a better way to make use of these blighters, and with all this Science lying around, who better than Horatio and the wizards of S.Y.N. to find it?

Who knew the past had anything worthwhile?

Who knew the past had anything worthwhile?

Ironic then that it was the thousand year old art of Japanese sensual massage that inspired the wonderful new widget we offer you today: ZOMBIE SHIATSU!

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……Look: what do zombies want to do most? Crack your skull open like an egg and gnaw the very flesh from your living bones, right? Well, we put that mouth power to work for you!

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All you have to do is apply a little bit of glue to the specialized shiatsu mouth guards, find your nearest zombie, delicately place them in its mouth, wait a tick for the glue to dry, and then Relaxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Now just relax, you'll feel a little pressure...

Have mouth, will massage

You’ll feel the tension literally boil away with every chomp from your would be “attacker,” who’s now become your best friend in the world. Head, shoulders, neck, nearly everything you put in the zombie’s mouth will be subjected to the deepest tissue massage you’ve ever had. And our internal studies show that the powerful, undead jaws of a zombie increase blood flow to sore muscles 20% more than other leading undead-shiatsu systems.

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Just feel the tension bleeeeed away

Just feel the tension bleeeeed away

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Go on…indulge yourself: order multiple Zombie Shiatsu kits and invite a whole horde in for the most luxurious spa weekend ever. You’ll be glad you did.

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Warning: Zombie Shiatsu not for use with nipples or penis.

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