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Archive for the ‘Horatio Finespun’ Category

Just blow on it a little

Just blow on it a little

When it was revealed that drinking tea hotter than 158 degrees Fahrenheit could octuple your chances of throat cancer, the S.Y.N. offices understandably freaked out.

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Then we realized we all actually drink coffee like normal people and forgot about it.

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Except of course for Horatio, who’s a full on Brissy (British pussy) and is still asking people to look at his tubes everyday.  And of course he whipped R&D back into a frenzy to find a solution (because just using a couple of damn ice cubes wasn’t Sciencesque enough).

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……Luckily, an easy breakthrough in polydendrole thermodynamics later and we had the answer: LORD KELVIN’S PERFECT CUPPA.

Big Daddy K

Big Daddy K

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Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

……Futrofitted with a common household magneto-optical trap, this teacup is photonized at a ridiculous rate, the light revolving through the tea thanks to the anti-helmholtz configuration of the cup’s coils which trap and disperse every other leaf-infused drop.  The end result is nothing short of a revolution in the field of tea-technology: a teacup which impatiently forces your tea to swap between 459.7 °F and −459.7 °F ……………………………………………………………faster than you can say “Scone?” .

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Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

That’s right, your throat will never suffer the unnerving effects of cancer again because the massive temperature fluctuations of your Sleepytime blend will fully hornswoggle your neck nerves; yes sir, your tea will be in your tummy long before your esophagus figures out whether it should oncogenize uncontrollably or kick back with its slippers on.  And you’ll have had a civilized cuppa without making a sacrifice to the dreaded “lukewarm tea ogre.”

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……So, if you must drink tea, and you must have it hot, try Lord Kelvin’s Perfect Cuppa and treat yourself to some of the slipperiest superfluids you’ve ever sipped!

Earl Grey would be proud

Earl Grey would be proud

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……Oh, and I guess you could use the Cuppa for other drinks if you want…but not Hot Chocolate!  That would be madness.

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Caution: Once your tea is poured into the Cuppa, please drink it immediately.  Failure to do so may allow time for your tea to escape from the Cuppa and into the atmosphere of your home or place of business, where a bosenova could, and likely will, occur.  And no, you won’t be able to dance to it, what with your feet being a fine pink mist.
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Horatio Finespun

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Problem: Zombies.

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Solution: Well, now that’s the trick, isn’t it? Zombies are everybody’s problem, whether they’re nosing through your garbage or eating your neighbour’s house pets, but there’s really a lack of productive techniques for handling them.

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Lord, I was born a shamblin mannnn

Lord, I was born a shamblin mannnn

Oh certainly, you can blast them to kingdom come with your titular ‘shotty’ or set fire to their wrecked flesh, but we both know that just leaves an awful mess (and it’s just as likely that when you’re down and scrubbing, that that’s when another of the bastards will get you).

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……No. I just knew there had to be a better way to make use of these blighters, and with all this Science lying around, who better than Horatio and the wizards of S.Y.N. to find it?

Who knew the past had anything worthwhile?

Who knew the past had anything worthwhile?

Ironic then that it was the thousand year old art of Japanese sensual massage that inspired the wonderful new widget we offer you today: ZOMBIE SHIATSU!

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……Look: what do zombies want to do most? Crack your skull open like an egg and gnaw the very flesh from your living bones, right? Well, we put that mouth power to work for you!

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All you have to do is apply a little bit of glue to the specialized shiatsu mouth guards, find your nearest zombie, delicately place them in its mouth, wait a tick for the glue to dry, and then Relaxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Now just relax, you'll feel a little pressure...

Have mouth, will massage

You’ll feel the tension literally boil away with every chomp from your would be “attacker,” who’s now become your best friend in the world. Head, shoulders, neck, nearly everything you put in the zombie’s mouth will be subjected to the deepest tissue massage you’ve ever had. And our internal studies show that the powerful, undead jaws of a zombie increase blood flow to sore muscles 20% more than other leading undead-shiatsu systems.

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Just feel the tension bleeeeed away

Just feel the tension bleeeeed away

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Go on…indulge yourself: order multiple Zombie Shiatsu kits and invite a whole horde in for the most luxurious spa weekend ever. You’ll be glad you did.

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Warning: Zombie Shiatsu not for use with nipples or penis.

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Horatio FinespunApple announced its billionth iPhone App download and I applaud and bite my thumb at them. Seriously, we should be the ones getting that lovely publicity, but no: Apple rejected all of Stuff You Need’s proposed Apps , each one a thousand times more useful than the current ‘social media’ wankfests on offer. I mean, as far as real-world, practical applications go, how could you beat these?:

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Do Me A Solenoid : when you activate this App, you’ll turn your iPhone into a powerful electromagnet capable of picking up loose change from miles away, finding the remote control, or flipping the car of that bastard who double parked.

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DNAmazing : as security systems become frighteningly formidable, you’re likely to run into more and more biometric screeners which are difficult to beat. Luckily, with this App switched on, just press the appropriate finger against the iPhone touch screen and you’ll have no problem beating the latest systems. That’s because the App tells the iPhone to unlock its radiation safety measures (factory sealed by pansy hippies in Apple corporate) and irradiate your finger with intense blasts of microwaves. The result is scrambled DNA which can confuse any reader enough to let you in.

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And for the kids a GPS: Global Pwning System : just link up to your friends and gaming systems with this App and when you burn them down online, their iPhone will deliver a an electrical shock powerful enough to loosen anyone’s bowels. “Pwned,” indeed.

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Come on Apple, let us have a little fun.

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Horatio FinespunHappy Your Day, Earth!  It’s the one day of the year where we call a cease-fire and not try to kill each other – you with your lavas and snakes, us with our carbon and M-16s pointed at the ground.

And in honor of this 39th Earth Day, I am announcing the discovery of a fabulous renewable energy source: E-MAIL SPAM!

Yes, R&D made this monumental discovery only just days ago when it was announced that internet spam has the energy output of over 2 Billion gallons of gasoline!  Just think of the wars people would die in for that amount of delicious, silky oil.

I mean, who knew that every time Stuff You Need emailed our weekly catalog to every man, woman and child with an internet connection or metal plate in their head, we were bringing humanity one step closer to needing to buy S.Y.N.’s exclusive endodermal sun shield?

Well I knew I couldn’t just sit by and let this spam go to waste any longer; too many Nigerian princes and huge xxxPeN1seSxxx have fought too long and too hard for Americas to just hit DELETE a thousand times a day.

That’s why this Earth Day, I’m asking all of you to forward your spam direct to our great new invention: The SPAMURBINE!

Suck on that, Spam!

Suck on that, Spam!

Designed specifically to take advantage of the trillions of spam shooting around the web every day, the Spamurbine is the first internet-to-generator power system capable of lighting up a good sized city (let’s say Cardiff).  As spam is forwarded to the device, it is transmogrified from a mess of very perverted 101101001s into an even more disgusting physical representation of itself.  Believe you me, there’s nothing quite like the sound of ten thousand prescription drug sales pitches made flesh hitting a solid zitanium fan spinning at 6,000 revolutions a minute.

But it’s all for an incredibly good cause, and one day soon we hope to have a Spamurbine sized for personal use to power your home, car and brain.

So the next time E-Bay says they need your credit card information directly or a cyrillic letter informs you that you’ve won a free college diploma, don’t add that spam to the carbon necklace choking the Earth: shove it in the SPAMURBINE, and bask in the warm glow self-rightousness.

You’ve sort of earned it!

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Horatio FinespunAll right everyone, it’s April 16th, and you know what that means:  it’s R&D’s annual ‘One-Day Kickback’ offer!

Prior to now, only my fellow Stuff You Need employees could take part for a small swift fee, but I’m now ecstatic to be able to open our doors to the public and their wallets.

Every year on the day after America’s Internal Revenue Sepsis, I invite people to use our experimental time machine to jump back one day and file their forms on time.  I don’t care why you waited, and I don’t want to hear any lame excuses not wrapped in crisp untraceable bills: we’re just here to help.
IRS
The rules remain the same:

  • You can only go back one day, to the 15th ………..(of this year, people)
  • Have your nominal fee ready in a standard under the table envelope
  • Try not to screw up the time stream too much with butterflies and what-not
  • Since this is a one-way trip, make sure to use the gun we provide to kill your lazy younger self first, so you can take his place and actually file your taxes

Oh, and of course, don’t screw about when you get there and think you can just show up here again today to go all roundabout again – this isn’t bleeding Groundhog Day.

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To put you off such behavior, I will of course be making the last jump to ensure no one actually comes in on that April 16th, and once that’s confirmed with my younger self, I’ll shoot him in the face (or he’ll kill me, doesn’t really matter).

Look, don’t think too hard about this timey-wimey stuff, just be happy you’ll be avoiding the worst time devouring menace of all: the IRS!  (that’s a little time traveling tax humour for you)

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Cheers!……………………..

– Horatio………………..

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(Oh, forgot to mention, if something does go wrong, and you end up somewhere back in time where it’s rather inconvenient for you to kill your younger self and take his place, then you’re on the honor system to kill your own self and save the rest of us some kind of knackered’ Sound of Thunder’ scenario, ok?)

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