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Archive for the ‘Karnia Whelk’ Category

Karnia WhelkWe’re back!   Absolutely everyone should visit the Boot Land ™ once in their lives just so they can eat all that glorious pasta.  We stuffed ourselves every night on the SYN company SuperEuro, and followed it up with a TWO POUND bistecca each. 

You should have seen all the regular tourists when that meat monster was slapped in front of all the skinny Sales staff: their eyes were as big as the dinner plates they only put one appetizer on!  Amateurs.

Still, it’s nice to be home cause I’m tired of all the carbs.  Just an American hamburger and Freedom fries for me now, thanks!  And it’s good to dive back into that ole’ time Science which will someday find a way to fill ravolis with edible diamonds:

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Sung to a Tune: “DARPA, DARPA, How we love you DARPA!  / You make the skies bright with phosphoric light / Grow ears on mice / Drop acid in our water supplies (twice!).”  That’s the song we sing whenever DARPA comes up with new insanisitc stuff and Programmable Matter fits the bill.  The goal of the new project is to “demonstrate a new functional form of matter, based on mesoscale particles, which can reversibly assemble into complex 3D objects upon external command.”  So you can hold a big pile of particles in your hand one second, and the next tell it to become an aircraft carrier and BAM, you’re set to go.  The possibilities here are endless – just think, you could finally do away with your purse carrying around 20 different things and instead carry a paint can filled with goo that you could change endlessly into lipstick (shade: grey), nail file (careful – will mix with your DNA), or can of mace (sprays actual maces) and back again.

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Who Wants A Tentacle?:  Why are ocean scientists complaining about all the jellyfish coming around?  They’re always going on about ‘climate change’ this and ‘extinction level event’ that, getting the inner webbing of their swimsuits in a bunch.  I mean just look at the size of that monster jelly there…now why would you think that’s a bad thing?  Sure, we might not be able to eat fish ever again for less than $30 an ounce, but just think of all the new taste sensations!  Box jellies for hors d’oeuvres, Echizen giant jellyfish for big family meals, and as a spicy tapas treat, the Portuguese Man O’ War!  Spread them on toast, wear them as hats, throw them at friends and enemies: surely we can find many more fun uses for our Cnidarian cousins than any ole fishy-fish-fish.

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Paging Dr. Duh:  A new study says the collapse of the world economy will lead to a major reduction of conspicuous consumption.  Somehow, I think we could have all figured that out, if only because no one likes to bling with oxidized chains and who can afford gold polish anymore in THIS ECONOMY ™.  Still, it is a sad thing…conspicuous consumption has always been the hallmark of American life, ever since Washington had the boat he crossed the Potomac in bronzed and wore it on his belt buckle (for some reason you always hear about the wooden teeth, but not George’s bronze crotch hat).  However, I firmly believe that even as people moderate and tighten their belts (sans giant metal-alloy covered rowboats), we will see less of the “consumption” part, but never the “conspicuous” : no one on this planet is better than Americans at showing off how humble and cheap they can be, so get ready to see rappers high rollin in SmartCars to their local Costco where they’ll buy palettes filled with Dolla! Champagne.

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Karnia WhelkThe whole compound got to see the new Star Trek movie this week and it was amazing!  While most of the science was of course far fetched, we loved the eco-message of the Romulan planet drill so much that Stuff You Need will be rolling out a hand-held Fission Planet Corer immediately.  Soon, you and your friends will be able to reenact all your favorite scenes from movies like Superman, A View to A Kill, and Driving Miss Daisy.

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Now, on to your Sciencized update for the week!:

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SHUNSINE: Eighty years ago, the sun acted very stand offish and generally ill tempered, hoarding all her light and giving us the cold shoulder.  And now apparently that fiery bitch is doing it again.  The question is why?  Simple magnetic fluctuations, normal cyclical change, or dry run for a supernova?  Actually, that doesn’t matter – we just need to find a way to keep Mr. Sun burning.  Our suggestion: funnel all the upcoming unsold Wolverine DVDs directly into the Chromosphere to keep the sun burning hot.  And angry.  Angry at paying to see that movie.  Darn it.

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IF GOD HAD MEANT MAN TO NEVER STOP FLYING…:  He wouldn’t have given him this amazing aircraft that never has to land, ever.  And He did.  So He must have.  Thank you, God!  But seriously, the DARPA Vulture program just looks like the natural evolution of those international flights which seem to go on forever.  Now you can board in Tuscon and never make another connecting flight or see another human up close ever again.  One thing though – if it never comes down, how do they clean the bathroom?

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OFF-STAR:  Did you know that the entire Global Positioning System could explode next year?  Every car, phone and cheeseburger that comes equipped with GPS is likely to fail spectacularly, leaving you lost and sad.  Once again, we’ll see how the populace has forgotten something as simple as the directions to the store, and will suffer when their gewgaws are taken away.  Sigh.  Looks like I put that RFID chip in my husband for nothing.

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Karnia Whelk……Oh sweet zombie Jeblon, I feel awful!  I finally got hit with that nasty H1N1 (the HONE-NONE) or Swine Flu.  I avoided it as long as possible, until Horatio came around with a bucket full of it and drenched everyone in pure pig snot.  He said T-Ray wanted to get everyone infected at once, so our chances of developing a vaccine from our weekly blood donations would go way up.  I didn’t even realize they were taking our blood, but I guess that explains the prick I feel when I go to the bathroom.

Lord! I swear, things are coming out of me like you wouldn’t believe, so let’s get you Scienced before my poor pores start drooling again.

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TEXTING – THE VIBRATING KILLER: A new study on the dangers of texting while driving confirmed that when you don’t have your hands on the wheel or your eyes on the road and are in fact totally oblivious to the world around you, you’re an idiot.  Oh yes, as a parent, I know teens are going to want to qwerty to their friends no matter what, which is why I insist on them using our brain-computer hook up in the car, so they can Tweet hands free.  It’s not the best solution, since they often black out from the strain of concentrating, but I’m a firm believer that the cops will treat your corpse with more respect if they find your hands at 10 and 2.

……(Incidentally, you can follow Stuff You Need on Twitter too, at http://twitter.com/StuffYouNeed , where all the social marketers on the planet are converging into a Twingularity)

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80085: For some reason, the ACLU is going kooky over the government granting patents on breast cancer genes.  I don’t see what the fuss is all about: what could go wrong with giant, innocently named corporations owning the rights to the very building blocks of life?   At worst, they might aerosolize cancer, but that would just put this Swine Flu in perspective, no?

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ONCE YOU GO BLACK… : You can bet our ears perked up this past week when we saw that the Pentagon’s budget for Secretly Clandestine Black Ops went past the magical $50 Billion mark.  Phasers, weaponized drone bees, satellites that can  Photoshop you into embarrassing situations with your neighbors from miles up – oh yes, its all in there.  But Stuff You Need, ever the voice of reason, has to ask: where’s the love?  Sure, you can build all kinds of fun gadgets and DARPA can make all of Oklahoma’s hair green on alternate Thursdays, but is $50 Billion going to hollow out the Moon and make it Earth’s personal Death Star to conquer the galaxy?

……No.  It’s not.  And that’s a shame that I don’t think will sit well with the American people.

……It’s high time for all the red blooded Americans of this great land to rise up and shout:

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We’re tired of paying all these taxes without something really cool to show for it!

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We demand that planet America be ready to plunder Pluto’s pulchritudinous pesos!

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We are waiting for your reply, President Obama.

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Karnia WhelkCinco De Mayo!  A day late, but I can still enjoy the wonders of drinking the ceremonial Fifth of Mayo to celebrate.  I make my own mayonnaise at home, so I know it’ll go down smooth (the secret is just a hint of Malibu rum when you whip the eggs!).

But my, it’s been a heckuva week since last time I got to Whelk at all of you…a swinging Supreme Court Justice announced his retirement (yep, I’m a Souter-groupie!),we saw the tragic tale of a man dying slowly from extreme metal poisoning in the big screen true story Wolverine, and of course, we had a worldwide epidemic that nearly toppled the global infrastructure that secretly rules all our lives.

……Except then it turned out that the Hamthrax wasn’t too bad, as long as you stopped your daily habit of rubbing bacon under your eyes to hide your sleep bags.

……So everything’s good now right? Well I guess not, because I’ve just heard about…dum dum dum:

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RACCOON FLU! :  Just when you thought it was safe to bring out the garbage, those adorable ringtails are trying to kill you with their poop!  Technically, its worms, not flu, but be that as it may, I don’t think it’s improper to say that we are already doomed by this coming worldwide pandademic.  Those Dr. WHO guys should just go on maximum alert and tell everyone: DO NOT EAT STRANGE RACCOON POOP YOU FIND IN THE STREET.    Maybe this time, people will listen.

(I’d also suggest that Israel get on the ball and try to change the name of this thing to “Canadian Poop Flu” as soon as possible, so they can avoid offending anyone.)

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TESLA TIME: A sad story comes out of Long Island, as it appears fantabulous science magician Nikola Tesla’s old lab Wardenclyffe could be eradicated.  A beacon to all science extremonizers who would follow him, Tesla is a heck of a lot more fun that that constipated old Edison.  Have you been to Edison’s place in Florida?  BOOOORRING.  Give me sexy Tesla’s underground cavern at Tunguska or his deathbed pauper’s hovel in the New Yorker Hotel instead.

Ultimately, I don’t know that Niki would be all that broken up about his old L.I. estate being made into condos, though I expect anyone living there will have to contend with late night experiments and hearing a spectral J.P. Morgan bitch about not getting his money’s worth.

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NUCLEAR WESSEL: And finally, in honor of the upcoming reboot of everyone’s favorite adaptation of Buck Rogers in space, Star Trek, the real Enterprise has gone into drydock for extensive repairs.  Yes, the Navy finally accepted our bid to upgrade the old sea dog into a top flight space vessel, capable of interstellar bombing runs and publicity junkets (provided Paramount doesn’t get too handsy).

If you act now, we can guarantee you a chance to help us test out the effects of an actual ‘warp-core breach’, up close and personal.  You’ll be just like your hero Spock, except we’re not getting anywhere near that safety glass to play Dead Man’s Patty Cake.

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As always, send me your questions or acid spewing flames!

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stuffyouneed[dot]9000[at]gmail[dot]com

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Karnia WhelkHi happy internet readers!  This is Karnia Whelk, your faithful servant from Stuff You Need’s Customer Service department.

I’ve gotten to talk to some of you by phone I’m sure, but now that we’re in this new, web-based economy, I can’t wait to “blog” you.

I’m of course here to help people with their problems on specific products, but a big part of my job is to answer your questions about our company and Science! at large.  So, on Wednesdays I plan to ‘Whelk-out’ [grin] by digging deep in the brown muck of our mail bag to respond to your queries, and check out some of that crazy science flopping around our world.

I just know we’re going to have a lot of fun together  =)  !!   So drop me a line at stuffyouneed [dot] 9000 [at] gmail [dot] com , or in the comments below!

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CASH MONEY: First up this week is the exciting news that President (dreamboat) Obama has pledged to raise the government’s funding of SCIENCE!  I can’t tell you how excited everyone here was when we found out Obama’s going to spend as much on Research & Development as Military spending.  That’s crazy!  I mean, I didn’t realize they were ever separate in the first place, but to think that we’ll now have two streams of income to use in making radioactive nanobots, well that’s just super.

Our Experimental Accounting Division has already swung into action creating a whole new swath of shell corporations and cutouts unlinkable to us, so Stuff You Need can take full advantage of all these new, yummy taxpayer dollars.

We look forward to taking your money to make products we can sell back to you!

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HOBO PLANET:  Maybe we can use some of that new money to help get Earth back on its feet and out of living in a junkyard.  With all the space gunk orbiting us now, its no wonder we can’t get a clear shot of the lunar surface from our Subterranean Winterfresh Crystals Rayzor.  Why, we only want our friendly Man in the Moon to be cavity free…

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VIET NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’! : Seeing old friends like Vietnam and Russia working together to move product warms my cockles.  Just knowing that those big, silent boats are prowling the South China sea makes me think of my favorite musical – one guess! (ok, it’s Sweeny Todd!)  AND, the best part is this is that new GREEN Economy at work, building a brand new submarine by recycling precious resources that might have been used for something impractical in Russia, like a school or housing.

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Well that’s it for this week, so thanks for coming by – I’ll be Whelking at you again soon!

–  Karina

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Karnia Whelk Well now this just doesn’t seem right.  Without someone explaining to people about all the wonderful things the military does, how are they ever supposed to know?  The real world media just uses too many words like ‘kill-laser’ and ‘multiple-death-warhead’ to make people feel comfortable.

“Talking points” get such a bad name in this world, when they’re really just a way to keep your brain from getting all heated up with lots of thinking.

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It just isn’t right that these lovely people should be out of a job…I wonder if we could hire any of them for our upcoming P.R. efforts to weaponize toxic assets?…

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