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Archive for the ‘Lasers’ Category

Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

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……Oh man.  See, I thought this one was a no brainer.  Something the kids would go crazy for and use all summer long in a fun and respectful manner.

……Shows what I friggin’ know.

……I thought it was gonna be a beautiful adaptation of something wholesome and life affirming into a family friendly kid’s toy. 

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You know, like this:

We attack on Christmas morning!

We attack on Christmas morning!

And this:

One Nerf, One Kill

One Nerf, One Kill

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So when we started shipping out the new radio controlled bullet guns to the Army, we thought we’d once again let the awesomeness of military contracting bless that classic summer kid’s toy and perfect them – that’s right: Smart Gun + Water Gun = Maximum Fun!

What kid wouldn't want to spend their summer in camouflage?

What kid wouldn't want to spend their summer in camouflage?

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The XM-25 SUPER SMART SOAKER fired -25 ºC bursts of pure frozen water that corkscrewed through the air, cutting through any material, until a second pull of the trigger shot the ice bullet with a high intensity laser, instantly boiling it and soaking the target with a massive wave of water.

……No more could Billy just hide out in the barn, or Tommy say you’d missed him.  Oh hell no – he’d be wet like he’d never been before!


…….Yep.  It was all fun and games, until some kids started shooting the damn things into nice peoples’ houses and ruining their furniture or soaking Sunday brunch parties.  One little monster shot up a factory full of those “Just Add Water” Foam Dinosaurs….so awful.
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……Also, some people got icicle impaled and internally scalded, but that’s besides the damn point!  Just give us back the freakin’ rifles you brats.

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They'll catch their death...

They'll catch their death...

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……In today’s busy world, knowing when a storm is brewing is more important than ever.

But if you’re like most of our customers, you simply can’t abide that syphilitic local weatherman, and you’d rather have a deranged servant chew off your knuckles before sticking your hand outside in that germ encrusted air to see if it’s raining.

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……So what’s to be done?

Well the solution was so simple, we smacked around the janitor for not coming up with it sooner: high powered cosmic rays!

Specifically muons…apparently, when these little guys hit the dome of heaven, some kind of magic happens and it can tell us all about when/where/what Mother Nature’s going to crap down on us next.

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……Luckily, Stuff You Need has just the stuff you need – simply bury a few of these guys under your home:

King of Crete

And then start blasting them with this handy-dandy neutrino beam (which no home should ever be without):

You definitely don't want to get your junk caught in there

You definitely don't want to get your junk caught in there

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Soon enough, you’ll have a better handle on what’s happening in your neck of the woods than Willard or Al, and as a free bonus: everything in your home will have that intense squeaky cleanness that can only come from bremsstrahlung radiation caressing every nook and cranny.

……So call today: our operators are standing by to get you “muon your way!”

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"I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna come down for quite some time now."

One of the most maddening sounds any golfer will ever hear is the air horn blistering the sky on the 7th green as they’re in the middle of the best round of their life:
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…You: “Really?  Now?  I have to come in right NOW? Or I’ll be roasted by a bolt of lighting?  But the sky is perfectly clear over there, several miles away…

…Air Horn: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

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Trust us, our scorecard feels your pain.
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But now let Stuff You Need be your caddy in life’s greatest game and bring you this new, PGA Rules committee-pending device: The SLICER.  Just attach the 10 kilo, solid titanium scrambox to your bag and swing your big rods without fear.

Once activated, the suronucletic core located in the box will generate plasma bursts at an incredible rate, forming a roughly man sized filamentation shield around you and your clubs.  The moment any lighting strikes you, the Slicer will violently curve it away and into the nearest grounded object, be it pin, cart or Todd, who just won’t shut up during your backswing.

You can thank you old friend lasers for the source of this trick: for some scientastic reason, they just totally Tiger-slap lighting bolts around until they’re begging for mercy on the back nine.

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So make storm clouds your Mickelson and get The SLICER: Cause when you’re taking skins off your buddies like a tanner, you don’t need ‘Old Lady Nature’ toasting your balls.

Keep 'em safe and dry.

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……Folks, I’ll level with you – when the Pentagon called to cancel our latest contract, we were a bit stumped.  I mean, what can you do with 50,000 brand new, military grade laser helmets, but eradicate the enemies of western style capitol-dicatorism?

Well thank Jeblon that our customer service guru, Karnia, was complaining of a “growing darkness” during No Lights Thursday, our weekly challenge to the staff to conserve as much mercury vapor as possible.  As we scraped the cataracts from her eyes, the lightning bolt hit: a simple retuning of the helmets could be the solution to a myriad of niggling consumer issues.

That’s why we can now happily say America’s long national nightmare of bad overhead lighting is finally over, with Stuff You Need’s LUXELMET.

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Blinded by the light...
When you receive your Luxelmet, you’ll see that the removal of the mounted laser canon from the original helmet has left a large hole in the back: this hole leads to an intricate matrix of microscopic mirrors running throughout the baffles of the head gear.  When even the tiniest bit of illumination enters the rear of the Luxelmet, it is instantly amplified a million times over and funneled directly to the focusing lens at the front to provide soft, natural light.

Finally, there’s an easy way to save money and deliver overhead light directly where you need it, without worries of dreaded ‘head shadows.’  Light up your favorite book, laptop, or drug lab with just a fraction of the light you use now, all thanks to Stuff You Need!

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……Caution: Prolonged use of the Luxelmet can be a detriment to continued brain health and non-liquification.
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……Do not use Luxelmet in combination with an overhead light source above one footcandle.

……Use of Luxelmet with a proscribed light source will void the enclosed 5 day warranty and may result in spontaneous combustion of all life around you, as well as eye defenestration and brain volcanism.

LUXELMET: It’s Like Turning Your Brain into a Floodlight!

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THE NOSE KNOWS

Gray's Anatomy Nose

Take a deep breath and you know it:

Allergy season is upon us.

That happy time of year when all the plants and trees remind us who’s really gNo Noseot the edge on planetary biomass, and vent their sexual dalliances all over us.

Yes, we all must suffer the vagaries of pollen, just some more than most.  Luckily, Stuff You Need is there to lend more than just a Kleenex and a ‘rum ‘n antihistamine’.  When nose filters are clogged black with gunktrilism and you’re cutting the ants out from under your skin as you come down from the latest nasal spray high, turn to: The NASER.

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Perfected through years of delicate ‘not screwing up’, the Naser (Nasal Laser Norbital Ring) is a stunning advance in the fight against your idiot body stupidly releasing Interleukins 4 and 6.

The Naser consists of two small, one size fits a lot rings that are slotted in each nostril; while you can’t see them, each ring is positively brimming with microscopic laser gun batteries, all prepared to atomize any particles that dare come close to your nose.  The secret is that the rings are both bonded to your nose and draw power from your own bioelectrical energy.  That’s right:  you never need worry about finding AAAAAAAA batteries for them!

Nose Out

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Gone are the days of a runny nose ruining your springtime walks, as all you’ll get is the sweet scent of ozone.  And it even works for pet dander, so you can freely sleep with your nineteen cats.  Yes, the Naser is a searing halo of death for all airborne, nose tickling particulates, and now this nasal Star Wars defense system is ready to emancipate your sinuses.

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(Please note: On the rare occasions when you still have the urge to sneeze, for the love of God, don’t.  Otherwise, you might feel a slight roasting sensation in your general area.

Fred Ott Sneeze

If you must sternutate, we recommend Stuff You Need’s Lead-Mesh Glove for your ‘manners hand,’ and subsequently we recommend Stuff You Need’s Anti-Lead Poisoning Kit.

(Unfortunately, at this time we are unable to offer a similar ocular laser device to protect your eyes because, well, duh.)

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