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Archive for the ‘Money’ Category

Rex’s Motto: Always be closing the door that leads to the elephrantula pens.
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“Fine.  We’ll take Wyoming as well…we can keep all our manure there.”

“Fine. We’ll take Wyoming as well…we can keep all our manure there.”

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The Gentlemans have been in sales for generations, dating back to Rex’s great- great- great-grandfather Parfait, who sold large portions of what would someday become boring swing states to unwitting American diplomats.

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The Gentlemans on a normal Sunday after church.

The Gentlemans on a normal Sunday after church.

Rex was something of an Army brat in his youth, traveling throughout Europe during the Cold War as his father brought democracy to the burgeoning markets for low cost Teslammo.  Rex got to know the ins and outs of many NATO lands, and made life long friends on American military bases that he would be able to blackmail as a defense contractor in later life.

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……After settling down on the East Coast, Rex attended George Washington university, where he earned a major in Auctioneerism and a minor in Laying Waste to Your Competitors (ah, those liberal halcyon days). It was in D.C. that he was infected with the desire to sell unknown quantities to the federal government for immense amounts of untraceable cash: truly this was the American dream.

High five!

High five!

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Then while working with the CIA on their urban beautification and Nicaraguan assistance projects, Rex came to our attention.  A bright, eager go-getter with a shiny coat, he was a perfect match for Synthetic Bio-Technologies and Heavy Volatile Weapons Incorporated (now Stuff You Need).

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Rex speaks with his major domo

Rex speaks with his major domo

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……Rex rose swiftly through the ranks to nab the coveted post of Head of Sales, from which he could lead his own dark empire, fueled by both the Pentagon’s slush fund and various inconsequential intercontinental nuclear transactions.

But as the economy has done to us all, Rex has had to come back down to earth a bit.

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And we’re glad he has, for as S.Y.N. moves forward bringing new products to the public, we’re excited to see the new profit streams he wades into:

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  • Grandparents looking for that near-lethal way to keep those damn kids off their lawn
  • The creamy, untapped underbelly of unemployed males ages 24 – 27.5
  • Pirates
  • Outright lies

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Yes, the sky’s the limit for this first class Gentle(sales)man!

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Rex Gentleman

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Rex Gentleman……Hey loyal Stuff You Need shoppers – Rex Gentlemen, Head of Sales, here.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been up late at night hunting for the next ShamMeow product you can poach, and you’ve probably seen these crazy ads with half-dead celebrities offering you Cash for any random Gold you have lying about the house.

Why, Hammer, why?

Why, Hammer, why?

After a long good laugh and a test to see if any of my fillings were loose, I got to thinking….in these tough economic times, who the heck has got spare gold lying around the house? 

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Isn’t there are renewable resource we all have access to that is going unutilized?

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Hell yes there is, and I’m happy to say that as long as you’re leprosy and homeless-free, then you’re sitting on a goldmine friend – or more accurately, picking your nose with a goldmine.

Note: nails not actually gold

Note: nails not actually gold

That’s right, Stuff You Need is swollen with pride to announce our new program where we will send you cash for every finger or toenail you no longer want or have a use for.  Our scientists have found a way to boil down all that keratin into some wonderful new products we all desperately crave:

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Crisp Nose Cone – calcified ‘old people’ nails can be used to replace the heat shields on missiles and the space shuttle’s nose cone

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– the razor sharp nails of babies are turned into the latest ceramic knives and ninja throwing stars which can easily beat airport metal detectors

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– and crisp clean nails are the perfect consistency and color to form new iPod casings and earbudsnailPod

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So save up a bunch of your next clippings in a handy soda can for a big reward, or send them in constantly as you trim down to the bone for a steady stream of income.  Act now, and we’ll send you a very cool little device that lets you harvest the nails right off your sleeping kids and neighbors.

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Remember: it’s never a wrong time for personal or tactically offensive hygiene.

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Karnia WhelkHi happy internet readers!  This is Karnia Whelk, your faithful servant from Stuff You Need’s Customer Service department.

I’ve gotten to talk to some of you by phone I’m sure, but now that we’re in this new, web-based economy, I can’t wait to “blog” you.

I’m of course here to help people with their problems on specific products, but a big part of my job is to answer your questions about our company and Science! at large.  So, on Wednesdays I plan to ‘Whelk-out’ [grin] by digging deep in the brown muck of our mail bag to respond to your queries, and check out some of that crazy science flopping around our world.

I just know we’re going to have a lot of fun together  =)  !!   So drop me a line at stuffyouneed [dot] 9000 [at] gmail [dot] com , or in the comments below!

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CASH MONEY: First up this week is the exciting news that President (dreamboat) Obama has pledged to raise the government’s funding of SCIENCE!  I can’t tell you how excited everyone here was when we found out Obama’s going to spend as much on Research & Development as Military spending.  That’s crazy!  I mean, I didn’t realize they were ever separate in the first place, but to think that we’ll now have two streams of income to use in making radioactive nanobots, well that’s just super.

Our Experimental Accounting Division has already swung into action creating a whole new swath of shell corporations and cutouts unlinkable to us, so Stuff You Need can take full advantage of all these new, yummy taxpayer dollars.

We look forward to taking your money to make products we can sell back to you!

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HOBO PLANET:  Maybe we can use some of that new money to help get Earth back on its feet and out of living in a junkyard.  With all the space gunk orbiting us now, its no wonder we can’t get a clear shot of the lunar surface from our Subterranean Winterfresh Crystals Rayzor.  Why, we only want our friendly Man in the Moon to be cavity free…

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VIET NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’! : Seeing old friends like Vietnam and Russia working together to move product warms my cockles.  Just knowing that those big, silent boats are prowling the South China sea makes me think of my favorite musical – one guess! (ok, it’s Sweeny Todd!)  AND, the best part is this is that new GREEN Economy at work, building a brand new submarine by recycling precious resources that might have been used for something impractical in Russia, like a school or housing.

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Well that’s it for this week, so thanks for coming by – I’ll be Whelking at you again soon!

–  Karina

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Horatio FinespunAll right everyone, it’s April 16th, and you know what that means:  it’s R&D’s annual ‘One-Day Kickback’ offer!

Prior to now, only my fellow Stuff You Need employees could take part for a small swift fee, but I’m now ecstatic to be able to open our doors to the public and their wallets.

Every year on the day after America’s Internal Revenue Sepsis, I invite people to use our experimental time machine to jump back one day and file their forms on time.  I don’t care why you waited, and I don’t want to hear any lame excuses not wrapped in crisp untraceable bills: we’re just here to help.
IRS
The rules remain the same:

  • You can only go back one day, to the 15th ………..(of this year, people)
  • Have your nominal fee ready in a standard under the table envelope
  • Try not to screw up the time stream too much with butterflies and what-not
  • Since this is a one-way trip, make sure to use the gun we provide to kill your lazy younger self first, so you can take his place and actually file your taxes

Oh, and of course, don’t screw about when you get there and think you can just show up here again today to go all roundabout again – this isn’t bleeding Groundhog Day.

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To put you off such behavior, I will of course be making the last jump to ensure no one actually comes in on that April 16th, and once that’s confirmed with my younger self, I’ll shoot him in the face (or he’ll kill me, doesn’t really matter).

Look, don’t think too hard about this timey-wimey stuff, just be happy you’ll be avoiding the worst time devouring menace of all: the IRS!  (that’s a little time traveling tax humour for you)

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Cheers!……………………..

– Horatio………………..

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(Oh, forgot to mention, if something does go wrong, and you end up somewhere back in time where it’s rather inconvenient for you to kill your younger self and take his place, then you’re on the honor system to kill your own self and save the rest of us some kind of knackered’ Sound of Thunder’ scenario, ok?)

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