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Archive for the ‘Nuclear’ Category

Beautiful AND magical.

Beautiful AND magical.

……To be perfectly honest, there’s just less and less call for orbiting death platforms these days (I know, crazy right?).  With the world feeling more and more hopeful about a brighter tomorrow, governments are funneling their budgets into space-based “smile” arrays, capable of delivering 100 mega watt Rainbow Lasers to any party on earth.

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(We hear Northrop’s got something in the shape of Obama’s head that transmits ‘Barack Beams’ right into your hopeythallamus.)

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……Well it makes us just sick to see these majestic techno-beasts hanging there unloved, so we’ve decided to do something about it: yes, Stuff You Need is converting (almost) all of its high altitude bombardment satellites to serve the public in a myriad of ways.   First up is a special we’re pleased to offer….

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……It’s summertime, and you want to get your kids outdoors, right?  Well what better way than a basketball hoop to get their fat little legs moving!  “But,” you say, “putting up a hoop is way too hard, and I’m even lazier than my lard ass kids – so what can I do?”

Heyyyy…just take a load off, fatty: Science has got your back.

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……S.Y.N. has just finished retrofitting the Thunder Hammer, our chic  ‘Rods from God’ tungsten-tosser, into the world’s easiest home basketball installation kit:

HOOPS FROM ON HIGH! Previously meant to deliver telephone poles of death anywhere on the planet, Stuff You Need can now embed a fun and healthy family favorite right in your driveway or cul-de-sac.

 

Behold the majesty...

Behold the majesty...

When you buy the kit at any local sporting goods or heavy weapons facility, you’ll find a tiny disc, barely an inch thin – and that’s it!  No huge pipes to carry home or nets to weave, just a wafer-thin microchip that you might mistake for snack.  (Note: Do not eat.)


……Toss that baby right where you want your hoop and we’ll take care of the rest.  Once activated, the disc will contact the satellite, which will calculate telemetry and other cool things, then safely hurl your basketball net right at you at 36,000 feet per second.

 

"Here it comes kids!"   "I love you Mom."

"Here it comes kids...RUN!"


……Soon your kids will be enjoying one of the fastest growing sports in Europe and best of all, you’ll barely have had to lift a finger: thanks Science!


(Warning: Hoops From On High may cause atomic level issues for your surrounding neighborhood – do not place basketball hoop on any fault lines or accidentally activate the tracking device while in your pants)

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They'll catch their death...

They'll catch their death...

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……In today’s busy world, knowing when a storm is brewing is more important than ever.

But if you’re like most of our customers, you simply can’t abide that syphilitic local weatherman, and you’d rather have a deranged servant chew off your knuckles before sticking your hand outside in that germ encrusted air to see if it’s raining.

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……So what’s to be done?

Well the solution was so simple, we smacked around the janitor for not coming up with it sooner: high powered cosmic rays!

Specifically muons…apparently, when these little guys hit the dome of heaven, some kind of magic happens and it can tell us all about when/where/what Mother Nature’s going to crap down on us next.

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……Luckily, Stuff You Need has just the stuff you need – simply bury a few of these guys under your home:

King of Crete

And then start blasting them with this handy-dandy neutrino beam (which no home should ever be without):

You definitely don't want to get your junk caught in there

You definitely don't want to get your junk caught in there

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Soon enough, you’ll have a better handle on what’s happening in your neck of the woods than Willard or Al, and as a free bonus: everything in your home will have that intense squeaky cleanness that can only come from bremsstrahlung radiation caressing every nook and cranny.

……So call today: our operators are standing by to get you “muon your way!”

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Karnia WhelkCinco De Mayo!  A day late, but I can still enjoy the wonders of drinking the ceremonial Fifth of Mayo to celebrate.  I make my own mayonnaise at home, so I know it’ll go down smooth (the secret is just a hint of Malibu rum when you whip the eggs!).

But my, it’s been a heckuva week since last time I got to Whelk at all of you…a swinging Supreme Court Justice announced his retirement (yep, I’m a Souter-groupie!),we saw the tragic tale of a man dying slowly from extreme metal poisoning in the big screen true story Wolverine, and of course, we had a worldwide epidemic that nearly toppled the global infrastructure that secretly rules all our lives.

……Except then it turned out that the Hamthrax wasn’t too bad, as long as you stopped your daily habit of rubbing bacon under your eyes to hide your sleep bags.

……So everything’s good now right? Well I guess not, because I’ve just heard about…dum dum dum:

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RACCOON FLU! :  Just when you thought it was safe to bring out the garbage, those adorable ringtails are trying to kill you with their poop!  Technically, its worms, not flu, but be that as it may, I don’t think it’s improper to say that we are already doomed by this coming worldwide pandademic.  Those Dr. WHO guys should just go on maximum alert and tell everyone: DO NOT EAT STRANGE RACCOON POOP YOU FIND IN THE STREET.    Maybe this time, people will listen.

(I’d also suggest that Israel get on the ball and try to change the name of this thing to “Canadian Poop Flu” as soon as possible, so they can avoid offending anyone.)

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TESLA TIME: A sad story comes out of Long Island, as it appears fantabulous science magician Nikola Tesla’s old lab Wardenclyffe could be eradicated.  A beacon to all science extremonizers who would follow him, Tesla is a heck of a lot more fun that that constipated old Edison.  Have you been to Edison’s place in Florida?  BOOOORRING.  Give me sexy Tesla’s underground cavern at Tunguska or his deathbed pauper’s hovel in the New Yorker Hotel instead.

Ultimately, I don’t know that Niki would be all that broken up about his old L.I. estate being made into condos, though I expect anyone living there will have to contend with late night experiments and hearing a spectral J.P. Morgan bitch about not getting his money’s worth.

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NUCLEAR WESSEL: And finally, in honor of the upcoming reboot of everyone’s favorite adaptation of Buck Rogers in space, Star Trek, the real Enterprise has gone into drydock for extensive repairs.  Yes, the Navy finally accepted our bid to upgrade the old sea dog into a top flight space vessel, capable of interstellar bombing runs and publicity junkets (provided Paramount doesn’t get too handsy).

If you act now, we can guarantee you a chance to help us test out the effects of an actual ‘warp-core breach’, up close and personal.  You’ll be just like your hero Spock, except we’re not getting anywhere near that safety glass to play Dead Man’s Patty Cake.

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As always, send me your questions or acid spewing flames!

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stuffyouneed[dot]9000[at]gmail[dot]com

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B-Boy Spine: Before

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Have years of popping, locking, and general slammin’ left your back limper than Wilford Brimley’s mustache?

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Does the thought of throwing down make

your discs itch?

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Has your freeze melted?

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B-Boy Spine: After Nuclear SpineWell then, you need to get your hands on our patent-pending NUCLEAR SPINE!

Straight from cyborg R&D, this incredible advancement in Walktallagy ™  was originally designed as part of a grant for Congressional leaders crippled by years of falling asleep during budget meetings, but now Stuff You Need is proud to be able to offer it to the public!

A simple, do it yourself outpatient procedure is all it takes to get rid of your pulped, weak-ass, human spine and replace it with a darling of chrome and fission.  Housing a lead-cooled, fast breeder reactor salvaged from a Russian naval junkyard, your new spine will give you an eternity of the brightest flares imaginable.

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So why suffer another day on the sidelines of the cypher?  Get back in the battle with style and put those ‘bone-backers’ to shame with your own insane chain reaction.

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For those who act now, every purchase of a Nuclear Spine also comes with a lifetime supply of highly enriched uranium!

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(Warning: Landing a massive head drop out of a munch airflare may trigger an Extinction Level Event – please be aware of your town’s nuclear bylaws before getting nasty.)

B-Boy ELE

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