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ATTENTION!

S.A.L.S.A.……Attention fleshy beings.

……The Stuff You Need compound has been sealed by HUAC due to an outbreak of Rouge H1N1, also known as “Devil’s Plague Ham.”

……Further updates will occur as I deem provident.

……End of line.

 

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Mr. President

Mr. President

 

……Hello beloved internet viewers!  Our apologies for not making you aware sooner, but the apparently necessary employees and management of Stuff You Need are currently attending the company get away in Italy.  

……On my dime.  

 ……Bastardos.


 

……But I am told that’s the way  to keep the workers happy and keep them from talking to the media or the Triads.  So, the unveiling of new products will unfortunately be delayed during this time, until everyone gets back and sobers up from the Tuscan wine.

……In the meantime, Chet is watching the shop and will show you new things occasionally, when he’s not collecting on accounts.

Chet

Thank you kind Chet!

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Snap-Crackle-Pop……Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has been the Black Death of office workers for decades, and let’s face it, the advent of the computer was just one more bubo on the groin of the human arm (i.e. the wrist).

Most typists suffered in whiny silence for years – well, S.Y.N.’s brand new WRIST WROCKETS puts an end to all that!  Utilizing sweet mag-lev technology, we’ve created the most amazing bracelets since those crappy copper things golfers insist help their swing.
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Get the salad spoons, man!

Get the salad spoons, man!

……Following a standardly invasive medical procedure, the Wrist Wrocket will be bonded to your radius and ulna with thermite pins, and ‘presto!’, your wrists will forever more be suspended on a gentle cushion of air, no matter where you are.
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Customers ask why the devices must be permanently grafted and the answer is simple: in the potentially rare event of a total failure, Wrists Wrocket users will be pleased when the device can’t erupt up their arm, possibly removing several layers of everything.  Yes, that’s the safety and quality Stuff You Need stands just off to the left of.

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Movement will be slightly restricted

Movement will be slightly restricted

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But don’t take our admittedly awesome word for it…

……At the end of a long day at the office, my wrists were so stressed, I thought my tendons were going to tear out of my arms and strangle me.  But with my new Wrist Wrockets, I can type 70 words per minute for 12 hours straight and still get home ready to smack my kids.  THANKS Stuff You Need!

– Dorthoy Balathe

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Hands Off

Anyone who works in an office shouldn’t be surprised by the waves of corruption rolling through Wall Street nowadays – after all, today’s Bernie Madoff was likely yesterday’s pen/stapler/tape dispenser thieving bastard.

Of course the corporate bunkers of Stuff You Need have not been completely immune to the scourge of petty thefts, it’s just that we have far better….deterrents available than the next rat race slob, and now we can share one of them with You.

“An electrified pen,” you say?  “Oooh, is it a secret camera, maybe?”  “Or one of those annoying, personal alarms?!”

Ah, yeah…maybe if you’re Queen of the Wuss Factory (a tough gig, I hear).

NO.  The new toy we’ve got for your cubicle will BLOW YOUR MIND.

DARPA was kind enough to pass on billions in our search for ways through to parallel worlds, and while there were some breakthroughs (thank you Gar’log’thot), nothing big enough to shove a tactical nuke through.  However, our loss at inter-versal conquest is your gain: Pre-senting THE #1 theft disincentive device of the 31st century, the MULTIVERSAL MUTILATOR! (or “M‘n’M” for short).

Our narrow band spectrum device is placed on the edge of your desk and activated whenever you lift your foot off the included safety cut off valve.  Once online, the M‘n’M casts a wafer thin barrier over all your greedily hoarded supply closet possessions.  But this is no force field: the next time Steve from HR wanders by when he runs out of Post-It Notes, he’s in for the surprise of his life…

As soon he puts his hand through the field, you’ll see the difference: puzzled stares as he realizes he’s reaching into an alternate dimension, shocked displays of emotion as a thousand unicorns lick his digits in unison, or horrified screams as an Ancient One sucks his muscles out like salt water taffy.  To tell you the truth, we’ve got no idea what might happen!

The secret is our inclusion of an oscilatrion, which is constantly changing frequencies and opening up portals to new and pants-crappingly frightening places. Hell, once, Tony got his hand caught in the cookie jar and when he pulled it back, he had five perfect clones of himself in place of his fingers (though for some reason, now Tony’s more popular with the ladies than ever).

So order your very own Multiversal Mutilator today and give those mail room thugs something to piss themselves about.

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