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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

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……Oh man.  See, I thought this one was a no brainer.  Something the kids would go crazy for and use all summer long in a fun and respectful manner.

……Shows what I friggin’ know.

……I thought it was gonna be a beautiful adaptation of something wholesome and life affirming into a family friendly kid’s toy. 

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You know, like this:

We attack on Christmas morning!

We attack on Christmas morning!

And this:

One Nerf, One Kill

One Nerf, One Kill

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So when we started shipping out the new radio controlled bullet guns to the Army, we thought we’d once again let the awesomeness of military contracting bless that classic summer kid’s toy and perfect them – that’s right: Smart Gun + Water Gun = Maximum Fun!

What kid wouldn't want to spend their summer in camouflage?

What kid wouldn't want to spend their summer in camouflage?

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The XM-25 SUPER SMART SOAKER fired -25 ºC bursts of pure frozen water that corkscrewed through the air, cutting through any material, until a second pull of the trigger shot the ice bullet with a high intensity laser, instantly boiling it and soaking the target with a massive wave of water.

……No more could Billy just hide out in the barn, or Tommy say you’d missed him.  Oh hell no – he’d be wet like he’d never been before!


…….Yep.  It was all fun and games, until some kids started shooting the damn things into nice peoples’ houses and ruining their furniture or soaking Sunday brunch parties.  One little monster shot up a factory full of those “Just Add Water” Foam Dinosaurs….so awful.
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……Also, some people got icicle impaled and internally scalded, but that’s besides the damn point!  Just give us back the freakin’ rifles you brats.

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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

……Sorry people, the party’s over.  A couple of bad apples ruined it for the rest of us.

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……I just knew it on this one.  “Why the hell would it make a difference?” I said, “a junkie’s a junkie.”  It doesn’t matter if he’s bubbling up blood with a dirty pair of underwear wrapped around his arm lying in a flophouse in Denver or in an internet café.

……I begged Rex to only make it available to our VIP customers, but nope, that wouldn’t be “democratic.”
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……So yeah, unfortunately we gotta recall the USB HEROIN.

E-Brown

E-Brown

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Looks like it's back to the bottle for us

Looks like it's back to the bottle

……Oh, I know, easiest thing in the world, right?  Run the electronic syringe off your computer and deliver that sweet synthetic brown right where you need it most: your veins.  But no.  As soon as the white hats got wind of poor people using smack that was possibly slightly less addictive and meant they wouldn’t be using dirty needles anymore, well that was it.  No more Mr. FDA approval.

……Apparently, it’s against official policy to get the plebs in this country hooked on anything that doesn’t glue casters to their hands and push them down a spiral staircase.

……So start shipping it back to us.  And don’t dawdle.  Or I’ll send Chet out to cluck you.

– Blarnke out.

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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

Crap.  Ok people, listen up.
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……
That restorative fetal goo we were selling recently?  You know, the goop some of you were calling “Baby Butter,” which is just so damn disgusting if you ask me ….well, there’s a problem.

……Something in the gene matrix we used….hold on.  (What?  No.  I’m telling them now, why?  How many extra fingers?  Look, just divide by the number of toes and cut off the excess.  I don’t care which.  Just make sure to leave her something opposable.)

….Ok, where was I?
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Long story short, please send in every tube, bottle or tub of that gloop ASAP.  But for the love of Jeblon, keep it separate.  You don’t wanna be anywhere near this stuff when more than 8oz. is able to communicate with each other.
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……
Blarnke out.

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