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Archive for the ‘Research & Development’ Category

Karnia WhelkWe’re back!   Absolutely everyone should visit the Boot Land ™ once in their lives just so they can eat all that glorious pasta.  We stuffed ourselves every night on the SYN company SuperEuro, and followed it up with a TWO POUND bistecca each. 

You should have seen all the regular tourists when that meat monster was slapped in front of all the skinny Sales staff: their eyes were as big as the dinner plates they only put one appetizer on!  Amateurs.

Still, it’s nice to be home cause I’m tired of all the carbs.  Just an American hamburger and Freedom fries for me now, thanks!  And it’s good to dive back into that ole’ time Science which will someday find a way to fill ravolis with edible diamonds:

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Sung to a Tune: “DARPA, DARPA, How we love you DARPA!  / You make the skies bright with phosphoric light / Grow ears on mice / Drop acid in our water supplies (twice!).”  That’s the song we sing whenever DARPA comes up with new insanisitc stuff and Programmable Matter fits the bill.  The goal of the new project is to “demonstrate a new functional form of matter, based on mesoscale particles, which can reversibly assemble into complex 3D objects upon external command.”  So you can hold a big pile of particles in your hand one second, and the next tell it to become an aircraft carrier and BAM, you’re set to go.  The possibilities here are endless – just think, you could finally do away with your purse carrying around 20 different things and instead carry a paint can filled with goo that you could change endlessly into lipstick (shade: grey), nail file (careful – will mix with your DNA), or can of mace (sprays actual maces) and back again.

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Who Wants A Tentacle?:  Why are ocean scientists complaining about all the jellyfish coming around?  They’re always going on about ‘climate change’ this and ‘extinction level event’ that, getting the inner webbing of their swimsuits in a bunch.  I mean just look at the size of that monster jelly there…now why would you think that’s a bad thing?  Sure, we might not be able to eat fish ever again for less than $30 an ounce, but just think of all the new taste sensations!  Box jellies for hors d’oeuvres, Echizen giant jellyfish for big family meals, and as a spicy tapas treat, the Portuguese Man O’ War!  Spread them on toast, wear them as hats, throw them at friends and enemies: surely we can find many more fun uses for our Cnidarian cousins than any ole fishy-fish-fish.

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Paging Dr. Duh:  A new study says the collapse of the world economy will lead to a major reduction of conspicuous consumption.  Somehow, I think we could have all figured that out, if only because no one likes to bling with oxidized chains and who can afford gold polish anymore in THIS ECONOMY ™.  Still, it is a sad thing…conspicuous consumption has always been the hallmark of American life, ever since Washington had the boat he crossed the Potomac in bronzed and wore it on his belt buckle (for some reason you always hear about the wooden teeth, but not George’s bronze crotch hat).  However, I firmly believe that even as people moderate and tighten their belts (sans giant metal-alloy covered rowboats), we will see less of the “consumption” part, but never the “conspicuous” : no one on this planet is better than Americans at showing off how humble and cheap they can be, so get ready to see rappers high rollin in SmartCars to their local Costco where they’ll buy palettes filled with Dolla! Champagne.

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Horatio Finespun

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Problem: Zombies.

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Solution: Well, now that’s the trick, isn’t it? Zombies are everybody’s problem, whether they’re nosing through your garbage or eating your neighbour’s house pets, but there’s really a lack of productive techniques for handling them.

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Lord, I was born a shamblin mannnn

Lord, I was born a shamblin mannnn

Oh certainly, you can blast them to kingdom come with your titular ‘shotty’ or set fire to their wrecked flesh, but we both know that just leaves an awful mess (and it’s just as likely that when you’re down and scrubbing, that that’s when another of the bastards will get you).

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……No. I just knew there had to be a better way to make use of these blighters, and with all this Science lying around, who better than Horatio and the wizards of S.Y.N. to find it?

Who knew the past had anything worthwhile?

Who knew the past had anything worthwhile?

Ironic then that it was the thousand year old art of Japanese sensual massage that inspired the wonderful new widget we offer you today: ZOMBIE SHIATSU!

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……Look: what do zombies want to do most? Crack your skull open like an egg and gnaw the very flesh from your living bones, right? Well, we put that mouth power to work for you!

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All you have to do is apply a little bit of glue to the specialized shiatsu mouth guards, find your nearest zombie, delicately place them in its mouth, wait a tick for the glue to dry, and then Relaxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Now just relax, you'll feel a little pressure...

Have mouth, will massage

You’ll feel the tension literally boil away with every chomp from your would be “attacker,” who’s now become your best friend in the world. Head, shoulders, neck, nearly everything you put in the zombie’s mouth will be subjected to the deepest tissue massage you’ve ever had. And our internal studies show that the powerful, undead jaws of a zombie increase blood flow to sore muscles 20% more than other leading undead-shiatsu systems.

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Just feel the tension bleeeeed away

Just feel the tension bleeeeed away

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Go on…indulge yourself: order multiple Zombie Shiatsu kits and invite a whole horde in for the most luxurious spa weekend ever. You’ll be glad you did.

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Warning: Zombie Shiatsu not for use with nipples or penis.

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Karnia WhelkHi happy internet readers!  This is Karnia Whelk, your faithful servant from Stuff You Need’s Customer Service department.

I’ve gotten to talk to some of you by phone I’m sure, but now that we’re in this new, web-based economy, I can’t wait to “blog” you.

I’m of course here to help people with their problems on specific products, but a big part of my job is to answer your questions about our company and Science! at large.  So, on Wednesdays I plan to ‘Whelk-out’ [grin] by digging deep in the brown muck of our mail bag to respond to your queries, and check out some of that crazy science flopping around our world.

I just know we’re going to have a lot of fun together  =)  !!   So drop me a line at stuffyouneed [dot] 9000 [at] gmail [dot] com , or in the comments below!

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CASH MONEY: First up this week is the exciting news that President (dreamboat) Obama has pledged to raise the government’s funding of SCIENCE!  I can’t tell you how excited everyone here was when we found out Obama’s going to spend as much on Research & Development as Military spending.  That’s crazy!  I mean, I didn’t realize they were ever separate in the first place, but to think that we’ll now have two streams of income to use in making radioactive nanobots, well that’s just super.

Our Experimental Accounting Division has already swung into action creating a whole new swath of shell corporations and cutouts unlinkable to us, so Stuff You Need can take full advantage of all these new, yummy taxpayer dollars.

We look forward to taking your money to make products we can sell back to you!

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HOBO PLANET:  Maybe we can use some of that new money to help get Earth back on its feet and out of living in a junkyard.  With all the space gunk orbiting us now, its no wonder we can’t get a clear shot of the lunar surface from our Subterranean Winterfresh Crystals Rayzor.  Why, we only want our friendly Man in the Moon to be cavity free…

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VIET NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’! : Seeing old friends like Vietnam and Russia working together to move product warms my cockles.  Just knowing that those big, silent boats are prowling the South China sea makes me think of my favorite musical – one guess! (ok, it’s Sweeny Todd!)  AND, the best part is this is that new GREEN Economy at work, building a brand new submarine by recycling precious resources that might have been used for something impractical in Russia, like a school or housing.

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Well that’s it for this week, so thanks for coming by – I’ll be Whelking at you again soon!

–  Karina

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Ah, Bacon

Ah, Bacon

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“There is nothing so good that BACON won’t make it better.” – old Porcine Proverb

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One thing we don’t lack for around here at Stuff You Need is competition.  Our various departments are always trying to outdo each other with new products, better service or faster surface-to-air ratios.  Well, the boys in our Inedible Food labs have for too long been the Boston butt of the Foodie lab’s jokes, but now those days are over…

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Yes, our R&D pork fanatics have cracked the bacon atom, releasing deliciously fatty neutron bombs, and they are aiming them at some of the long most hated flavors in our world.  First up: cough syrup.

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That’s right, no more treacly grape or searing cherry death: you’re moving right into flavor country with SWINETUSSIN:

Take Three of These And Call Me In The Morning

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Whether you’re hacking up a lung or the phlegm is phlowing phreely, you want to make sure you enjoy every moment of the medicine you’re going to be taking.  That’s why our top men have been sweating over this one – they’ve combined the finest smoky flavors with giant dobs of crisp fat to create a cough suppressant that puts most Bar-B-Que to shame.  Why, it’s so rich and thick, you can even pour it over your kids’ pancakes to make doctor’s visits a thing of the past!

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So screw the spoonful of sugar and reach for the codeine that packs a real pig punch: SWINETUSSINIt’s bacon for your lungs.

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Goes down smooooooth

Bacony Goodness

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And make sure to try Stuff You Need’s other great flavored cough syrups: Foie Gras, Duck Fat, and, for our vegetarian customer, Tofu.

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Important note: Swinetussin is not a treatment for the Swine flu.  If anything, it’ll probably make it worse and/or give it to you.  Sorry about that.

 

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Horatio FinespunApple announced its billionth iPhone App download and I applaud and bite my thumb at them. Seriously, we should be the ones getting that lovely publicity, but no: Apple rejected all of Stuff You Need’s proposed Apps , each one a thousand times more useful than the current ‘social media’ wankfests on offer. I mean, as far as real-world, practical applications go, how could you beat these?:

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Do Me A Solenoid : when you activate this App, you’ll turn your iPhone into a powerful electromagnet capable of picking up loose change from miles away, finding the remote control, or flipping the car of that bastard who double parked.

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DNAmazing : as security systems become frighteningly formidable, you’re likely to run into more and more biometric screeners which are difficult to beat. Luckily, with this App switched on, just press the appropriate finger against the iPhone touch screen and you’ll have no problem beating the latest systems. That’s because the App tells the iPhone to unlock its radiation safety measures (factory sealed by pansy hippies in Apple corporate) and irradiate your finger with intense blasts of microwaves. The result is scrambled DNA which can confuse any reader enough to let you in.

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And for the kids a GPS: Global Pwning System : just link up to your friends and gaming systems with this App and when you burn them down online, their iPhone will deliver a an electrical shock powerful enough to loosen anyone’s bowels. “Pwned,” indeed.

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Come on Apple, let us have a little fun.

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Horatio FinespunHappy Your Day, Earth!  It’s the one day of the year where we call a cease-fire and not try to kill each other – you with your lavas and snakes, us with our carbon and M-16s pointed at the ground.

And in honor of this 39th Earth Day, I am announcing the discovery of a fabulous renewable energy source: E-MAIL SPAM!

Yes, R&D made this monumental discovery only just days ago when it was announced that internet spam has the energy output of over 2 Billion gallons of gasoline!  Just think of the wars people would die in for that amount of delicious, silky oil.

I mean, who knew that every time Stuff You Need emailed our weekly catalog to every man, woman and child with an internet connection or metal plate in their head, we were bringing humanity one step closer to needing to buy S.Y.N.’s exclusive endodermal sun shield?

Well I knew I couldn’t just sit by and let this spam go to waste any longer; too many Nigerian princes and huge xxxPeN1seSxxx have fought too long and too hard for Americas to just hit DELETE a thousand times a day.

That’s why this Earth Day, I’m asking all of you to forward your spam direct to our great new invention: The SPAMURBINE!

Suck on that, Spam!

Suck on that, Spam!

Designed specifically to take advantage of the trillions of spam shooting around the web every day, the Spamurbine is the first internet-to-generator power system capable of lighting up a good sized city (let’s say Cardiff).  As spam is forwarded to the device, it is transmogrified from a mess of very perverted 101101001s into an even more disgusting physical representation of itself.  Believe you me, there’s nothing quite like the sound of ten thousand prescription drug sales pitches made flesh hitting a solid zitanium fan spinning at 6,000 revolutions a minute.

But it’s all for an incredibly good cause, and one day soon we hope to have a Spamurbine sized for personal use to power your home, car and brain.

So the next time E-Bay says they need your credit card information directly or a cyrillic letter informs you that you’ve won a free college diploma, don’t add that spam to the carbon necklace choking the Earth: shove it in the SPAMURBINE, and bask in the warm glow self-rightousness.

You’ve sort of earned it!

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