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Archive for the ‘Robert Blarnke’ Category

Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

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……Oh man.  See, I thought this one was a no brainer.  Something the kids would go crazy for and use all summer long in a fun and respectful manner.

……Shows what I friggin’ know.

……I thought it was gonna be a beautiful adaptation of something wholesome and life affirming into a family friendly kid’s toy. 

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You know, like this:

We attack on Christmas morning!

We attack on Christmas morning!

And this:

One Nerf, One Kill

One Nerf, One Kill

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So when we started shipping out the new radio controlled bullet guns to the Army, we thought we’d once again let the awesomeness of military contracting bless that classic summer kid’s toy and perfect them – that’s right: Smart Gun + Water Gun = Maximum Fun!

What kid wouldn't want to spend their summer in camouflage?

What kid wouldn't want to spend their summer in camouflage?

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The XM-25 SUPER SMART SOAKER fired -25 ºC bursts of pure frozen water that corkscrewed through the air, cutting through any material, until a second pull of the trigger shot the ice bullet with a high intensity laser, instantly boiling it and soaking the target with a massive wave of water.

……No more could Billy just hide out in the barn, or Tommy say you’d missed him.  Oh hell no – he’d be wet like he’d never been before!


…….Yep.  It was all fun and games, until some kids started shooting the damn things into nice peoples’ houses and ruining their furniture or soaking Sunday brunch parties.  One little monster shot up a factory full of those “Just Add Water” Foam Dinosaurs….so awful.
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……Also, some people got icicle impaled and internally scalded, but that’s besides the damn point!  Just give us back the freakin’ rifles you brats.

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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

……Sorry people, the party’s over.  A couple of bad apples ruined it for the rest of us.

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……I just knew it on this one.  “Why the hell would it make a difference?” I said, “a junkie’s a junkie.”  It doesn’t matter if he’s bubbling up blood with a dirty pair of underwear wrapped around his arm lying in a flophouse in Denver or in an internet café.

……I begged Rex to only make it available to our VIP customers, but nope, that wouldn’t be “democratic.”
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……So yeah, unfortunately we gotta recall the USB HEROIN.

E-Brown

E-Brown

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Looks like it's back to the bottle for us

Looks like it's back to the bottle

……Oh, I know, easiest thing in the world, right?  Run the electronic syringe off your computer and deliver that sweet synthetic brown right where you need it most: your veins.  But no.  As soon as the white hats got wind of poor people using smack that was possibly slightly less addictive and meant they wouldn’t be using dirty needles anymore, well that was it.  No more Mr. FDA approval.

……Apparently, it’s against official policy to get the plebs in this country hooked on anything that doesn’t glue casters to their hands and push them down a spiral staircase.

……So start shipping it back to us.  And don’t dawdle.  Or I’ll send Chet out to cluck you.

– Blarnke out.

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Designer Neri Oxman makes living dead things.

No, not zombies.

Think chairs:

Didn't I see this on Battlestar Galactica?...

Didn't I see this on Battlestar Galactica?...

Like the BEAST here…
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She said she wants to create buildings that “breathe and sweat and think and grow and change”….
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Step right up, don't be afraid, just let the tubes do the work

Step right up, don't be afraid, just let the tubes do the work

……Ahhh…Ok yeah, well, see…about that.  We tried making an apartment block out of synthesized plasma and bone marrow shavings we’d been saving up from every Stuff You Need’s Bone Marrow Shaving Sundays, but, well, let’s just say that the Silent Hill Condo Association didn’t turn out quite right…
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……Oh hell, the specs were gorgeous, totally unique: I mean, there’s nothing like real flesh to make non-Euclidean structures, even if the tenants started to gibber only a few hours after handing over their security deposits.  What were they complaining about?  Having a roof with no angles gives you an amazing view of the night sky and the Old Ones hiding behind the stars.  That’s just added-value.

You don’t even want to know what the place sounds like when the foundations are “settling”

You don’t wanna know what it sounds like when the foundation is “settling”

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……But of course, the main thing people like Oxman forget is when you’ve built something living, its freaking alive.  Meaning you’d damn well better deal with two of my least favorite “S”s: Sex and Shitting.
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……That’s right, you’re all kissing each others asses that first week, blitzed on boysenberry champagne for building the first block of flats with tits, until you go down to do laundry in the basement and realize there’s no septic system in the world that can handle thirty stories of crap.  Not even the New York Post.  (Yeah, suck it Murdoch!)

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Do Not Tease the House

Do Not Tease the House

……So until someone comes up with a 25,000 square foot diaper, let’s stick with your usual stuff like concrete, wood, old tires and crushed glass from used haz-mat containers, and leave the bio-engineering to the guys melting skin for robots.

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(Besides, once you’ve got skyscrapers filled with blood, its only a matter of time until you’ve got vampire pigeons on your hands.)

Columba vampiria

Columba vampiria

– Blarnke out

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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

Crap.  Ok people, listen up.
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……
That restorative fetal goo we were selling recently?  You know, the goop some of you were calling “Baby Butter,” which is just so damn disgusting if you ask me ….well, there’s a problem.

……Something in the gene matrix we used….hold on.  (What?  No.  I’m telling them now, why?  How many extra fingers?  Look, just divide by the number of toes and cut off the excess.  I don’t care which.  Just make sure to leave her something opposable.)

….Ok, where was I?
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……
Long story short, please send in every tube, bottle or tub of that gloop ASAP.  But for the love of Jeblon, keep it separate.  You don’t wanna be anywhere near this stuff when more than 8oz. is able to communicate with each other.
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……
Blarnke out.

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