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Archive for the ‘Sport’ Category

Beautiful AND magical.

Beautiful AND magical.

……To be perfectly honest, there’s just less and less call for orbiting death platforms these days (I know, crazy right?).  With the world feeling more and more hopeful about a brighter tomorrow, governments are funneling their budgets into space-based “smile” arrays, capable of delivering 100 mega watt Rainbow Lasers to any party on earth.

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(We hear Northrop’s got something in the shape of Obama’s head that transmits ‘Barack Beams’ right into your hopeythallamus.)

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……Well it makes us just sick to see these majestic techno-beasts hanging there unloved, so we’ve decided to do something about it: yes, Stuff You Need is converting (almost) all of its high altitude bombardment satellites to serve the public in a myriad of ways.   First up is a special we’re pleased to offer….

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……It’s summertime, and you want to get your kids outdoors, right?  Well what better way than a basketball hoop to get their fat little legs moving!  “But,” you say, “putting up a hoop is way too hard, and I’m even lazier than my lard ass kids – so what can I do?”

Heyyyy…just take a load off, fatty: Science has got your back.

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……S.Y.N. has just finished retrofitting the Thunder Hammer, our chic  ‘Rods from God’ tungsten-tosser, into the world’s easiest home basketball installation kit:

HOOPS FROM ON HIGH! Previously meant to deliver telephone poles of death anywhere on the planet, Stuff You Need can now embed a fun and healthy family favorite right in your driveway or cul-de-sac.

 

Behold the majesty...

Behold the majesty...

When you buy the kit at any local sporting goods or heavy weapons facility, you’ll find a tiny disc, barely an inch thin – and that’s it!  No huge pipes to carry home or nets to weave, just a wafer-thin microchip that you might mistake for snack.  (Note: Do not eat.)


……Toss that baby right where you want your hoop and we’ll take care of the rest.  Once activated, the disc will contact the satellite, which will calculate telemetry and other cool things, then safely hurl your basketball net right at you at 36,000 feet per second.

 

"Here it comes kids!"   "I love you Mom."

"Here it comes kids...RUN!"


……Soon your kids will be enjoying one of the fastest growing sports in Europe and best of all, you’ll barely have had to lift a finger: thanks Science!


(Warning: Hoops From On High may cause atomic level issues for your surrounding neighborhood – do not place basketball hoop on any fault lines or accidentally activate the tracking device while in your pants)

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Sox vs. Pirates, Who wants 'em?……Scalpers.  One of nature’s most beautiful wonders.  Slaving away day and night purchasing massive blocks of tickets, just to be able to give the common fan a chance to show up on the day of the game, pay a near-inconsequential mark-up price, and stroll in to the stadium.

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……But odds are you don’t take a good look at the second hand piece of paper you just dropped your child’s tuition on.  So what happens when you miss the fine print noting a  “slightly obstructed view” and find yourself groin to girder with the stiffest pole in the house?

Why would they build a new stadium and still do this?!

Why would they build a new stadium and still do this?!

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……Well worry no more!  With Stuff You Need’s INSTA’ BLACK HOLE you can instantly eliminate ANYTHING blocking your view of the game.

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……Upon receiving your order, you’ll find two bags made from the finest sandwich grade plastic, sealed with a single, metal-alloy staple, each nestled comfortably in a lead lined trithorium case (which is yours to keep!).  Each bag contains one Higgs boson (the Buddha particle) that has been gyrated to terrifying speeds – you can’t see ’em, but trust us they’re there! Just take the bags with you wherever you go, so you’ll be ready for any situation.  (Note: Never Put Both Bags in the Same Pants Pocket or Pair of Pants)

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……When you find yourself with an obstructed view, simply shake the contents of the two bags into your hands and rub them together vigorously.  Almost immediately you’ll feel a slight tingle as the protons approach the speed of light and slam into each other like sumo wrestlers on crack cocaine.  As soon as you feel matter start to collapse, rub your hands on the offending barrier, sit back and watch SCIENCE! happen. 

 

 

Illustration by Ian Mauer

Illustration by Ian Mauer

 

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……Before long you’ll have a clear view of the ball game, concert, or mega church event – yes, the INSTA’ BLACK HOLE makes any day a singularity sensation.  And, as an added bonus, any fly balls will instantly come your way.

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Also recommended: For our customers purchasing the Insta’ Black Hole, we recommend our Photon Bending Goggles, for those pesky event horizons that can ruin your whole day.

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"I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna come down for quite some time now."

One of the most maddening sounds any golfer will ever hear is the air horn blistering the sky on the 7th green as they’re in the middle of the best round of their life:
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…You: “Really?  Now?  I have to come in right NOW? Or I’ll be roasted by a bolt of lighting?  But the sky is perfectly clear over there, several miles away…

…Air Horn: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

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Trust us, our scorecard feels your pain.
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But now let Stuff You Need be your caddy in life’s greatest game and bring you this new, PGA Rules committee-pending device: The SLICER.  Just attach the 10 kilo, solid titanium scrambox to your bag and swing your big rods without fear.

Once activated, the suronucletic core located in the box will generate plasma bursts at an incredible rate, forming a roughly man sized filamentation shield around you and your clubs.  The moment any lighting strikes you, the Slicer will violently curve it away and into the nearest grounded object, be it pin, cart or Todd, who just won’t shut up during your backswing.

You can thank you old friend lasers for the source of this trick: for some scientastic reason, they just totally Tiger-slap lighting bolts around until they’re begging for mercy on the back nine.

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So make storm clouds your Mickelson and get The SLICER: Cause when you’re taking skins off your buddies like a tanner, you don’t need ‘Old Lady Nature’ toasting your balls.

Keep 'em safe and dry.

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