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Archive for the ‘Time Travel’ Category

Nocturnal Polyuria. Interstitial CystitisSleepless in Weeattle.

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Fourteen times last night!

Fourteen times last night!

……Whatever you call it, late night urination is something a lot of us have to deal with as we get older.  And sure, you’ve tried adult diapers, collection hoses, and irrigation canals, but they just leave you feeling soaked in your wallet and in your bed.

……So when Ned in accounting asked if we could come up with something to stop his constant and explosive bed wetting (Hi, Ned!), the boys in R&D got right on it.  And what they came up with will astound you…

……Presenting the QUANTUM BLADDER, Stuff You Need’s answer to those nighttime visits from the Tinkle Fairy.  This is a product that even an infant could use (Warning: Not for use by infants), but only one of S.Y.N.’s scientists trained in irrevocable string theory would even begin to understand.

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Bag of mostly water

Bag of mostly water

……Contained within the cup-like insert are powerful quantinibulus forces that we couldn’t begin to get into here.  All you need to know is that statistically, it works.  When you slip the insert into your underwear, boxers or pajamas, you can sleep soundly knowing space-time has got your back.  Simply pee as normal directly into the cup throughout the night; in the morning when you check your bed, there’s a 68.2% chance you’ll find it bone dry.  You have to like those odds.  And you can feel free to piss like a racehorse since the Quantum Bladder can imbibe an infinite amount of your golden shower.

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In Ur Box...

……Yes, never before have the powers of the nerdiest branch of mathematics ever produced something so useful.  The Quantum Bladder: your way to a probability enhanced night’s sleep.

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……Note: Due to the variablization of quantum mechanics, Stuff You Need cannot legally be held responsible for those instances when the urine of all other users of the

Quantum Bladder super-strings into your bed the following morning.

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Horatio FinespunAll right everyone, it’s April 16th, and you know what that means:  it’s R&D’s annual ‘One-Day Kickback’ offer!

Prior to now, only my fellow Stuff You Need employees could take part for a small swift fee, but I’m now ecstatic to be able to open our doors to the public and their wallets.

Every year on the day after America’s Internal Revenue Sepsis, I invite people to use our experimental time machine to jump back one day and file their forms on time.  I don’t care why you waited, and I don’t want to hear any lame excuses not wrapped in crisp untraceable bills: we’re just here to help.
IRS
The rules remain the same:

  • You can only go back one day, to the 15th ………..(of this year, people)
  • Have your nominal fee ready in a standard under the table envelope
  • Try not to screw up the time stream too much with butterflies and what-not
  • Since this is a one-way trip, make sure to use the gun we provide to kill your lazy younger self first, so you can take his place and actually file your taxes

Oh, and of course, don’t screw about when you get there and think you can just show up here again today to go all roundabout again – this isn’t bleeding Groundhog Day.

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To put you off such behavior, I will of course be making the last jump to ensure no one actually comes in on that April 16th, and once that’s confirmed with my younger self, I’ll shoot him in the face (or he’ll kill me, doesn’t really matter).

Look, don’t think too hard about this timey-wimey stuff, just be happy you’ll be avoiding the worst time devouring menace of all: the IRS!  (that’s a little time traveling tax humour for you)

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Cheers!……………………..

– Horatio………………..

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(Oh, forgot to mention, if something does go wrong, and you end up somewhere back in time where it’s rather inconvenient for you to kill your younger self and take his place, then you’re on the honor system to kill your own self and save the rest of us some kind of knackered’ Sound of Thunder’ scenario, ok?)

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