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Karnia WhelkWe’re back!   Absolutely everyone should visit the Boot Land ™ once in their lives just so they can eat all that glorious pasta.  We stuffed ourselves every night on the SYN company SuperEuro, and followed it up with a TWO POUND bistecca each. 

You should have seen all the regular tourists when that meat monster was slapped in front of all the skinny Sales staff: their eyes were as big as the dinner plates they only put one appetizer on!  Amateurs.

Still, it’s nice to be home cause I’m tired of all the carbs.  Just an American hamburger and Freedom fries for me now, thanks!  And it’s good to dive back into that ole’ time Science which will someday find a way to fill ravolis with edible diamonds:

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Sung to a Tune: “DARPA, DARPA, How we love you DARPA!  / You make the skies bright with phosphoric light / Grow ears on mice / Drop acid in our water supplies (twice!).”  That’s the song we sing whenever DARPA comes up with new insanisitc stuff and Programmable Matter fits the bill.  The goal of the new project is to “demonstrate a new functional form of matter, based on mesoscale particles, which can reversibly assemble into complex 3D objects upon external command.”  So you can hold a big pile of particles in your hand one second, and the next tell it to become an aircraft carrier and BAM, you’re set to go.  The possibilities here are endless – just think, you could finally do away with your purse carrying around 20 different things and instead carry a paint can filled with goo that you could change endlessly into lipstick (shade: grey), nail file (careful – will mix with your DNA), or can of mace (sprays actual maces) and back again.

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Who Wants A Tentacle?:  Why are ocean scientists complaining about all the jellyfish coming around?  They’re always going on about ‘climate change’ this and ‘extinction level event’ that, getting the inner webbing of their swimsuits in a bunch.  I mean just look at the size of that monster jelly there…now why would you think that’s a bad thing?  Sure, we might not be able to eat fish ever again for less than $30 an ounce, but just think of all the new taste sensations!  Box jellies for hors d’oeuvres, Echizen giant jellyfish for big family meals, and as a spicy tapas treat, the Portuguese Man O’ War!  Spread them on toast, wear them as hats, throw them at friends and enemies: surely we can find many more fun uses for our Cnidarian cousins than any ole fishy-fish-fish.

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Paging Dr. Duh:  A new study says the collapse of the world economy will lead to a major reduction of conspicuous consumption.  Somehow, I think we could have all figured that out, if only because no one likes to bling with oxidized chains and who can afford gold polish anymore in THIS ECONOMY ™.  Still, it is a sad thing…conspicuous consumption has always been the hallmark of American life, ever since Washington had the boat he crossed the Potomac in bronzed and wore it on his belt buckle (for some reason you always hear about the wooden teeth, but not George’s bronze crotch hat).  However, I firmly believe that even as people moderate and tighten their belts (sans giant metal-alloy covered rowboats), we will see less of the “consumption” part, but never the “conspicuous” : no one on this planet is better than Americans at showing off how humble and cheap they can be, so get ready to see rappers high rollin in SmartCars to their local Costco where they’ll buy palettes filled with Dolla! Champagne.

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Sox vs. Pirates, Who wants 'em?……Scalpers.  One of nature’s most beautiful wonders.  Slaving away day and night purchasing massive blocks of tickets, just to be able to give the common fan a chance to show up on the day of the game, pay a near-inconsequential mark-up price, and stroll in to the stadium.

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……But odds are you don’t take a good look at the second hand piece of paper you just dropped your child’s tuition on.  So what happens when you miss the fine print noting a  “slightly obstructed view” and find yourself groin to girder with the stiffest pole in the house?

Why would they build a new stadium and still do this?!

Why would they build a new stadium and still do this?!

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……Well worry no more!  With Stuff You Need’s INSTA’ BLACK HOLE you can instantly eliminate ANYTHING blocking your view of the game.

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……Upon receiving your order, you’ll find two bags made from the finest sandwich grade plastic, sealed with a single, metal-alloy staple, each nestled comfortably in a lead lined trithorium case (which is yours to keep!).  Each bag contains one Higgs boson (the Buddha particle) that has been gyrated to terrifying speeds – you can’t see ’em, but trust us they’re there! Just take the bags with you wherever you go, so you’ll be ready for any situation.  (Note: Never Put Both Bags in the Same Pants Pocket or Pair of Pants)

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……When you find yourself with an obstructed view, simply shake the contents of the two bags into your hands and rub them together vigorously.  Almost immediately you’ll feel a slight tingle as the protons approach the speed of light and slam into each other like sumo wrestlers on crack cocaine.  As soon as you feel matter start to collapse, rub your hands on the offending barrier, sit back and watch SCIENCE! happen. 

 

 

Illustration by Ian Mauer

Illustration by Ian Mauer

 

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……Before long you’ll have a clear view of the ball game, concert, or mega church event – yes, the INSTA’ BLACK HOLE makes any day a singularity sensation.  And, as an added bonus, any fly balls will instantly come your way.

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Also recommended: For our customers purchasing the Insta’ Black Hole, we recommend our Photon Bending Goggles, for those pesky event horizons that can ruin your whole day.

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Mr. President

Mr. President

 

……Hello beloved internet viewers!  Our apologies for not making you aware sooner, but the apparently necessary employees and management of Stuff You Need are currently attending the company get away in Italy.  

……On my dime.  

 ……Bastardos.


 

……But I am told that’s the way  to keep the workers happy and keep them from talking to the media or the Triads.  So, the unveiling of new products will unfortunately be delayed during this time, until everyone gets back and sobers up from the Tuscan wine.

……In the meantime, Chet is watching the shop and will show you new things occasionally, when he’s not collecting on accounts.

Chet

Thank you kind Chet!

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HERE BOY!

Good Boy

……Oh Center for Disease Control, we could just kiss you.  Without you, how would we have ever known that almost 25,000 people a year are going to the ER just because they tripped over the family dog?  AWESOME.

……Well, not awesome of course for your knees (or Grandma’s hip), but awesome because it means you’ve got a reason to buy a new pair of pants!

……Specifically, Stuff You Need’s PATELLA PISSER PANTS! Designed originally to locate landmines, these fancy pants come equipped with reservoirs located on each knee and tiny, yet powerful hoses.  When the pants detect an object in front of you below crotch height, they let lose with a powerful stream of whatever you want.

……Fill your pants up with water, old booze, bleach or hook it right up to your colostomy bag if you’ve got one.  Heck, use your own urine if you want, and give your dog a taste of his own medicine.

……The Patella Pisser Pants: now you can walk around your own home with a sloshing sense of safety!

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Karnia WhelkThe whole compound got to see the new Star Trek movie this week and it was amazing!  While most of the science was of course far fetched, we loved the eco-message of the Romulan planet drill so much that Stuff You Need will be rolling out a hand-held Fission Planet Corer immediately.  Soon, you and your friends will be able to reenact all your favorite scenes from movies like Superman, A View to A Kill, and Driving Miss Daisy.

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Now, on to your Sciencized update for the week!:

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SHUNSINE: Eighty years ago, the sun acted very stand offish and generally ill tempered, hoarding all her light and giving us the cold shoulder.  And now apparently that fiery bitch is doing it again.  The question is why?  Simple magnetic fluctuations, normal cyclical change, or dry run for a supernova?  Actually, that doesn’t matter – we just need to find a way to keep Mr. Sun burning.  Our suggestion: funnel all the upcoming unsold Wolverine DVDs directly into the Chromosphere to keep the sun burning hot.  And angry.  Angry at paying to see that movie.  Darn it.

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IF GOD HAD MEANT MAN TO NEVER STOP FLYING…:  He wouldn’t have given him this amazing aircraft that never has to land, ever.  And He did.  So He must have.  Thank you, God!  But seriously, the DARPA Vulture program just looks like the natural evolution of those international flights which seem to go on forever.  Now you can board in Tuscon and never make another connecting flight or see another human up close ever again.  One thing though – if it never comes down, how do they clean the bathroom?

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OFF-STAR:  Did you know that the entire Global Positioning System could explode next year?  Every car, phone and cheeseburger that comes equipped with GPS is likely to fail spectacularly, leaving you lost and sad.  Once again, we’ll see how the populace has forgotten something as simple as the directions to the store, and will suffer when their gewgaws are taken away.  Sigh.  Looks like I put that RFID chip in my husband for nothing.

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Just blow on it a little

Just blow on it a little

When it was revealed that drinking tea hotter than 158 degrees Fahrenheit could octuple your chances of throat cancer, the S.Y.N. offices understandably freaked out.

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Then we realized we all actually drink coffee like normal people and forgot about it.

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Except of course for Horatio, who’s a full on Brissy (British pussy) and is still asking people to look at his tubes everyday.  And of course he whipped R&D back into a frenzy to find a solution (because just using a couple of damn ice cubes wasn’t Sciencesque enough).

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……Luckily, an easy breakthrough in polydendrole thermodynamics later and we had the answer: LORD KELVIN’S PERFECT CUPPA.

Big Daddy K

Big Daddy K

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Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

Everybody's got a spare one in the pantry

……Futrofitted with a common household magneto-optical trap, this teacup is photonized at a ridiculous rate, the light revolving through the tea thanks to the anti-helmholtz configuration of the cup’s coils which trap and disperse every other leaf-infused drop.  The end result is nothing short of a revolution in the field of tea-technology: a teacup which impatiently forces your tea to swap between 459.7 °F and −459.7 °F ……………………………………………………………faster than you can say “Scone?” .

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Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

Don't even pretend you know what's happening here

That’s right, your throat will never suffer the unnerving effects of cancer again because the massive temperature fluctuations of your Sleepytime blend will fully hornswoggle your neck nerves; yes sir, your tea will be in your tummy long before your esophagus figures out whether it should oncogenize uncontrollably or kick back with its slippers on.  And you’ll have had a civilized cuppa without making a sacrifice to the dreaded “lukewarm tea ogre.”

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……So, if you must drink tea, and you must have it hot, try Lord Kelvin’s Perfect Cuppa and treat yourself to some of the slipperiest superfluids you’ve ever sipped!

Earl Grey would be proud

Earl Grey would be proud

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……Oh, and I guess you could use the Cuppa for other drinks if you want…but not Hot Chocolate!  That would be madness.

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Caution: Once your tea is poured into the Cuppa, please drink it immediately.  Failure to do so may allow time for your tea to escape from the Cuppa and into the atmosphere of your home or place of business, where a bosenova could, and likely will, occur.  And no, you won’t be able to dance to it, what with your feet being a fine pink mist.
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Snap-Crackle-Pop……Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has been the Black Death of office workers for decades, and let’s face it, the advent of the computer was just one more bubo on the groin of the human arm (i.e. the wrist).

Most typists suffered in whiny silence for years – well, S.Y.N.’s brand new WRIST WROCKETS puts an end to all that!  Utilizing sweet mag-lev technology, we’ve created the most amazing bracelets since those crappy copper things golfers insist help their swing.
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Get the salad spoons, man!

Get the salad spoons, man!

……Following a standardly invasive medical procedure, the Wrist Wrocket will be bonded to your radius and ulna with thermite pins, and ‘presto!’, your wrists will forever more be suspended on a gentle cushion of air, no matter where you are.
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Customers ask why the devices must be permanently grafted and the answer is simple: in the potentially rare event of a total failure, Wrists Wrocket users will be pleased when the device can’t erupt up their arm, possibly removing several layers of everything.  Yes, that’s the safety and quality Stuff You Need stands just off to the left of.

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Movement will be slightly restricted

Movement will be slightly restricted

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But don’t take our admittedly awesome word for it…

……At the end of a long day at the office, my wrists were so stressed, I thought my tendons were going to tear out of my arms and strangle me.  But with my new Wrist Wrockets, I can type 70 words per minute for 12 hours straight and still get home ready to smack my kids.  THANKS Stuff You Need!

– Dorthoy Balathe

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