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Posts Tagged ‘Allergies’

THE NOSE KNOWS

Gray's Anatomy Nose

Take a deep breath and you know it:

Allergy season is upon us.

That happy time of year when all the plants and trees remind us who’s really gNo Noseot the edge on planetary biomass, and vent their sexual dalliances all over us.

Yes, we all must suffer the vagaries of pollen, just some more than most.  Luckily, Stuff You Need is there to lend more than just a Kleenex and a ‘rum ‘n antihistamine’.  When nose filters are clogged black with gunktrilism and you’re cutting the ants out from under your skin as you come down from the latest nasal spray high, turn to: The NASER.

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Perfected through years of delicate ‘not screwing up’, the Naser (Nasal Laser Norbital Ring) is a stunning advance in the fight against your idiot body stupidly releasing Interleukins 4 and 6.

The Naser consists of two small, one size fits a lot rings that are slotted in each nostril; while you can’t see them, each ring is positively brimming with microscopic laser gun batteries, all prepared to atomize any particles that dare come close to your nose.  The secret is that the rings are both bonded to your nose and draw power from your own bioelectrical energy.  That’s right:  you never need worry about finding AAAAAAAA batteries for them!

Nose Out

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Gone are the days of a runny nose ruining your springtime walks, as all you’ll get is the sweet scent of ozone.  And it even works for pet dander, so you can freely sleep with your nineteen cats.  Yes, the Naser is a searing halo of death for all airborne, nose tickling particulates, and now this nasal Star Wars defense system is ready to emancipate your sinuses.

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(Please note: On the rare occasions when you still have the urge to sneeze, for the love of God, don’t.  Otherwise, you might feel a slight roasting sensation in your general area.

Fred Ott Sneeze

If you must sternutate, we recommend Stuff You Need’s Lead-Mesh Glove for your ‘manners hand,’ and subsequently we recommend Stuff You Need’s Anti-Lead Poisoning Kit.

(Unfortunately, at this time we are unable to offer a similar ocular laser device to protect your eyes because, well, duh.)

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