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Posts Tagged ‘Bernie Madoff’

Hands Off

Anyone who works in an office shouldn’t be surprised by the waves of corruption rolling through Wall Street nowadays – after all, today’s Bernie Madoff was likely yesterday’s pen/stapler/tape dispenser thieving bastard.

Of course the corporate bunkers of Stuff You Need have not been completely immune to the scourge of petty thefts, it’s just that we have far better….deterrents available than the next rat race slob, and now we can share one of them with You.

“An electrified pen,” you say?  “Oooh, is it a secret camera, maybe?”  “Or one of those annoying, personal alarms?!”

Ah, yeah…maybe if you’re Queen of the Wuss Factory (a tough gig, I hear).

NO.  The new toy we’ve got for your cubicle will BLOW YOUR MIND.

DARPA was kind enough to pass on billions in our search for ways through to parallel worlds, and while there were some breakthroughs (thank you Gar’log’thot), nothing big enough to shove a tactical nuke through.  However, our loss at inter-versal conquest is your gain: Pre-senting THE #1 theft disincentive device of the 31st century, the MULTIVERSAL MUTILATOR! (or “M‘n’M” for short).

Our narrow band spectrum device is placed on the edge of your desk and activated whenever you lift your foot off the included safety cut off valve.  Once online, the M‘n’M casts a wafer thin barrier over all your greedily hoarded supply closet possessions.  But this is no force field: the next time Steve from HR wanders by when he runs out of Post-It Notes, he’s in for the surprise of his life…

As soon he puts his hand through the field, you’ll see the difference: puzzled stares as he realizes he’s reaching into an alternate dimension, shocked displays of emotion as a thousand unicorns lick his digits in unison, or horrified screams as an Ancient One sucks his muscles out like salt water taffy.  To tell you the truth, we’ve got no idea what might happen!

The secret is our inclusion of an oscilatrion, which is constantly changing frequencies and opening up portals to new and pants-crappingly frightening places. Hell, once, Tony got his hand caught in the cookie jar and when he pulled it back, he had five perfect clones of himself in place of his fingers (though for some reason, now Tony’s more popular with the ladies than ever).

So order your very own Multiversal Mutilator today and give those mail room thugs something to piss themselves about.

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