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Posts Tagged ‘Brain melting’

ATTENTION!

S.A.L.S.A.……Attention fleshy beings.

……The Stuff You Need compound has been sealed by HUAC due to an outbreak of Rouge H1N1, also known as “Devil’s Plague Ham.”

……Further updates will occur as I deem provident.

……End of line.

 

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……Folks, I’ll level with you – when the Pentagon called to cancel our latest contract, we were a bit stumped.  I mean, what can you do with 50,000 brand new, military grade laser helmets, but eradicate the enemies of western style capitol-dicatorism?

Well thank Jeblon that our customer service guru, Karnia, was complaining of a “growing darkness” during No Lights Thursday, our weekly challenge to the staff to conserve as much mercury vapor as possible.  As we scraped the cataracts from her eyes, the lightning bolt hit: a simple retuning of the helmets could be the solution to a myriad of niggling consumer issues.

That’s why we can now happily say America’s long national nightmare of bad overhead lighting is finally over, with Stuff You Need’s LUXELMET.

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Blinded by the light...
When you receive your Luxelmet, you’ll see that the removal of the mounted laser canon from the original helmet has left a large hole in the back: this hole leads to an intricate matrix of microscopic mirrors running throughout the baffles of the head gear.  When even the tiniest bit of illumination enters the rear of the Luxelmet, it is instantly amplified a million times over and funneled directly to the focusing lens at the front to provide soft, natural light.

Finally, there’s an easy way to save money and deliver overhead light directly where you need it, without worries of dreaded ‘head shadows.’  Light up your favorite book, laptop, or drug lab with just a fraction of the light you use now, all thanks to Stuff You Need!

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……Caution: Prolonged use of the Luxelmet can be a detriment to continued brain health and non-liquification.
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……Do not use Luxelmet in combination with an overhead light source above one footcandle.

……Use of Luxelmet with a proscribed light source will void the enclosed 5 day warranty and may result in spontaneous combustion of all life around you, as well as eye defenestration and brain volcanism.

LUXELMET: It’s Like Turning Your Brain into a Floodlight!

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