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Posts Tagged ‘Drugs’

ATTENTION!

S.A.L.S.A.……Attention fleshy beings.

……The Stuff You Need compound has been sealed by HUAC due to an outbreak of Rouge H1N1, also known as “Devil’s Plague Ham.”

……Further updates will occur as I deem provident.

……End of line.

 

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……New Item!  Especially for our customers who make love to their TiVo or Cable DVR every night, Stuff You Need has got a fabulous new wonder drug that will change your life…

……Have you ever found yourself sitting down for your favorite show only to realize that it’s just starting?  And so that means you can’t fast forward through the commercials?  Right.  Your DVR is now more f’ing useless than running vinaigrette through a centrifuge.

……Hell, that’s a long fifteen minutes you’ve got to sit there, waiting for enough time to have passed so you never have to watch even one vile commercial.  And what are you gonna do all that time?  Talk to your loved ones?  Isn’t that the reason you got DVR in the first place – to have non-stop TV blaring at you every second you’re home?

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……Well you can thank god for Science – and Stuff You Need – for NARCO-NAP!

Dr. ViewGood

NARCO-NAP is the only pill you can safely pop that will knock you out cold and then have you up and raring to go a moment later, charged to watch Gossip Girls.  While you’re dead to the world, you’ll be banking that precious DVR time you can use to fly through your shows, and you’ll never be drawn in to any conversations or quickie, chaffing sex while you wait.

……You’ll get a whole range of pill strengths pegged perfectly to the Neilsen second when you order: half-hour sitcom, one hour drama, mini-series, and even ‘sweeps week.’  (And now try our strongest formula yet: the SNL special!)

……So when roofies are just too untrustworthy and a few minutes alone with your thoughts would be an absolute personal hell, try NARCO-NAP and get back to the best part of your life: watching other people’s lives on TV.

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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

……Sorry people, the party’s over.  A couple of bad apples ruined it for the rest of us.

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……I just knew it on this one.  “Why the hell would it make a difference?” I said, “a junkie’s a junkie.”  It doesn’t matter if he’s bubbling up blood with a dirty pair of underwear wrapped around his arm lying in a flophouse in Denver or in an internet café.

……I begged Rex to only make it available to our VIP customers, but nope, that wouldn’t be “democratic.”
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……So yeah, unfortunately we gotta recall the USB HEROIN.

E-Brown

E-Brown

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Looks like it's back to the bottle for us

Looks like it's back to the bottle

……Oh, I know, easiest thing in the world, right?  Run the electronic syringe off your computer and deliver that sweet synthetic brown right where you need it most: your veins.  But no.  As soon as the white hats got wind of poor people using smack that was possibly slightly less addictive and meant they wouldn’t be using dirty needles anymore, well that was it.  No more Mr. FDA approval.

……Apparently, it’s against official policy to get the plebs in this country hooked on anything that doesn’t glue casters to their hands and push them down a spiral staircase.

……So start shipping it back to us.  And don’t dawdle.  Or I’ll send Chet out to cluck you.

– Blarnke out.

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