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Posts Tagged ‘Endangered Species’

Karnia WhelkWe’re back!   Absolutely everyone should visit the Boot Land ™ once in their lives just so they can eat all that glorious pasta.  We stuffed ourselves every night on the SYN company SuperEuro, and followed it up with a TWO POUND bistecca each. 

You should have seen all the regular tourists when that meat monster was slapped in front of all the skinny Sales staff: their eyes were as big as the dinner plates they only put one appetizer on!  Amateurs.

Still, it’s nice to be home cause I’m tired of all the carbs.  Just an American hamburger and Freedom fries for me now, thanks!  And it’s good to dive back into that ole’ time Science which will someday find a way to fill ravolis with edible diamonds:

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Sung to a Tune: “DARPA, DARPA, How we love you DARPA!  / You make the skies bright with phosphoric light / Grow ears on mice / Drop acid in our water supplies (twice!).”  That’s the song we sing whenever DARPA comes up with new insanisitc stuff and Programmable Matter fits the bill.  The goal of the new project is to “demonstrate a new functional form of matter, based on mesoscale particles, which can reversibly assemble into complex 3D objects upon external command.”  So you can hold a big pile of particles in your hand one second, and the next tell it to become an aircraft carrier and BAM, you’re set to go.  The possibilities here are endless – just think, you could finally do away with your purse carrying around 20 different things and instead carry a paint can filled with goo that you could change endlessly into lipstick (shade: grey), nail file (careful – will mix with your DNA), or can of mace (sprays actual maces) and back again.

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Who Wants A Tentacle?:  Why are ocean scientists complaining about all the jellyfish coming around?  They’re always going on about ‘climate change’ this and ‘extinction level event’ that, getting the inner webbing of their swimsuits in a bunch.  I mean just look at the size of that monster jelly there…now why would you think that’s a bad thing?  Sure, we might not be able to eat fish ever again for less than $30 an ounce, but just think of all the new taste sensations!  Box jellies for hors d’oeuvres, Echizen giant jellyfish for big family meals, and as a spicy tapas treat, the Portuguese Man O’ War!  Spread them on toast, wear them as hats, throw them at friends and enemies: surely we can find many more fun uses for our Cnidarian cousins than any ole fishy-fish-fish.

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Paging Dr. Duh:  A new study says the collapse of the world economy will lead to a major reduction of conspicuous consumption.  Somehow, I think we could have all figured that out, if only because no one likes to bling with oxidized chains and who can afford gold polish anymore in THIS ECONOMY ™.  Still, it is a sad thing…conspicuous consumption has always been the hallmark of American life, ever since Washington had the boat he crossed the Potomac in bronzed and wore it on his belt buckle (for some reason you always hear about the wooden teeth, but not George’s bronze crotch hat).  However, I firmly believe that even as people moderate and tighten their belts (sans giant metal-alloy covered rowboats), we will see less of the “consumption” part, but never the “conspicuous” : no one on this planet is better than Americans at showing off how humble and cheap they can be, so get ready to see rappers high rollin in SmartCars to their local Costco where they’ll buy palettes filled with Dolla! Champagne.

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Mr. President

Mr. President

“T-Ray” Rayburne here everyone, happy to be ‘rappin’ at ya!

I know times are tough.  Everyone’s struggling to put food on the dinner table or fuel in their third jet, and the SuperEuro just doesn’t go as far as it used to in the shadow economy.  You’ve got to squeeze every penny, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still please your palette.

And in that frame of mind I want to treat my Stuff You Need custome…no, no, my Stuff You Need FRIENDS.

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Yep, I have decided to open up my private stock of incredibly scarce IRRAWADDY DOLPHINS for you to liven up your next BBQ!

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Nature's delicious majesty

Nature's delicious majesty

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Sure, every red-blooded American loves burgers and hot dogs are fine for the kids, but they simply won’t lift the spirits of a down home cow poke on bail for securities fraud.  What he needs is the fine, succulent taste that only dolphin, fresh off the grill, can provide.

And not just any idiot net-caught dolphin, these spicy Irrawaddy dolphins are direct from the sub-continent.  Rare?  You bet, but hell, serve ‘em however you like!  After all, swimming in that Bangladeshinine water makes the meat so tender, it’s fall off the fin delicious.

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……Order some today and we’ll airlift them straight to your front door, all prepped for grillin’, and with a complimentary apple stuffed in the blowhole.

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……And now don’t you ever say that ole’ T-Ray never did anything for his friends or wildlife.  Especially to a DHS agent.

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