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Horatio FinespunApple announced its billionth iPhone App download and I applaud and bite my thumb at them. Seriously, we should be the ones getting that lovely publicity, but no: Apple rejected all of Stuff You Need’s proposed Apps , each one a thousand times more useful than the current ‘social media’ wankfests on offer. I mean, as far as real-world, practical applications go, how could you beat these?:

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Do Me A Solenoid : when you activate this App, you’ll turn your iPhone into a powerful electromagnet capable of picking up loose change from miles away, finding the remote control, or flipping the car of that bastard who double parked.

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DNAmazing : as security systems become frighteningly formidable, you’re likely to run into more and more biometric screeners which are difficult to beat. Luckily, with this App switched on, just press the appropriate finger against the iPhone touch screen and you’ll have no problem beating the latest systems. That’s because the App tells the iPhone to unlock its radiation safety measures (factory sealed by pansy hippies in Apple corporate) and irradiate your finger with intense blasts of microwaves. The result is scrambled DNA which can confuse any reader enough to let you in.

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And for the kids a GPS: Global Pwning System : just link up to your friends and gaming systems with this App and when you burn them down online, their iPhone will deliver a an electrical shock powerful enough to loosen anyone’s bowels. “Pwned,” indeed.

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Come on Apple, let us have a little fun.

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Horatio FinespunHappy Your Day, Earth!  It’s the one day of the year where we call a cease-fire and not try to kill each other – you with your lavas and snakes, us with our carbon and M-16s pointed at the ground.

And in honor of this 39th Earth Day, I am announcing the discovery of a fabulous renewable energy source: E-MAIL SPAM!

Yes, R&D made this monumental discovery only just days ago when it was announced that internet spam has the energy output of over 2 Billion gallons of gasoline!  Just think of the wars people would die in for that amount of delicious, silky oil.

I mean, who knew that every time Stuff You Need emailed our weekly catalog to every man, woman and child with an internet connection or metal plate in their head, we were bringing humanity one step closer to needing to buy S.Y.N.’s exclusive endodermal sun shield?

Well I knew I couldn’t just sit by and let this spam go to waste any longer; too many Nigerian princes and huge xxxPeN1seSxxx have fought too long and too hard for Americas to just hit DELETE a thousand times a day.

That’s why this Earth Day, I’m asking all of you to forward your spam direct to our great new invention: The SPAMURBINE!

Suck on that, Spam!

Suck on that, Spam!

Designed specifically to take advantage of the trillions of spam shooting around the web every day, the Spamurbine is the first internet-to-generator power system capable of lighting up a good sized city (let’s say Cardiff).  As spam is forwarded to the device, it is transmogrified from a mess of very perverted 101101001s into an even more disgusting physical representation of itself.  Believe you me, there’s nothing quite like the sound of ten thousand prescription drug sales pitches made flesh hitting a solid zitanium fan spinning at 6,000 revolutions a minute.

But it’s all for an incredibly good cause, and one day soon we hope to have a Spamurbine sized for personal use to power your home, car and brain.

So the next time E-Bay says they need your credit card information directly or a cyrillic letter informs you that you’ve won a free college diploma, don’t add that spam to the carbon necklace choking the Earth: shove it in the SPAMURBINE, and bask in the warm glow self-rightousness.

You’ve sort of earned it!

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