……Hey loyal Stuff You Need shoppers – Rex Gentlemen, Head of Sales, here.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve been up late at night hunting for the next ShamMeow product you can poach, and you’ve probably seen these crazy ads with half-dead celebrities offering you Cash for any random Gold you have lying about the house.
Why, Hammer, why?
After a long good laugh and a test to see if any of my fillings were loose, I got to thinking….in these tough economic times, who the heck has got spare gold lying around the house?
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Isn’t there are renewable resource we all have access to that is going unutilized?
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Hell yes there is, and I’m happy to say that as long as you’re leprosy and homeless-free, then you’re sitting on a goldmine friend – or more accurately, picking your nose with a goldmine.
Note: nails not actually gold
That’s right, Stuff You Need is swollen with pride to announce our new program where we will send you cash for every finger or toenail you no longer want or have a use for. Our scientists have found a way to boil down all that keratin into some wonderful new products we all desperately crave:
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– calcified ‘old people’ nails can be used to replace the heat shields on missiles and the space shuttle’s nose cone
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– the razor sharp nails of babies are turned into the latest ceramic knives and ninja throwing stars which can easily beat airport metal detectors
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– and crisp clean nails are the perfect consistency and color to form new iPod casings and earbuds
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So save up a bunch of your next clippings in a handy soda can for a big reward, or send them in constantly as you trim down to the bone for a steady stream of income. Act now, and we’ll send you a very cool little device that lets you harvest the nails right off your sleeping kids and neighbors.
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Remember: it’s never a wrong time for personal or tactically offensive hygiene.
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STUFF YOU NEED! 