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Posts Tagged ‘Jeblon’

Karnia Whelk……Oh sweet zombie Jeblon, I feel awful!  I finally got hit with that nasty H1N1 (the HONE-NONE) or Swine Flu.  I avoided it as long as possible, until Horatio came around with a bucket full of it and drenched everyone in pure pig snot.  He said T-Ray wanted to get everyone infected at once, so our chances of developing a vaccine from our weekly blood donations would go way up.  I didn’t even realize they were taking our blood, but I guess that explains the prick I feel when I go to the bathroom.

Lord! I swear, things are coming out of me like you wouldn’t believe, so let’s get you Scienced before my poor pores start drooling again.

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TEXTING – THE VIBRATING KILLER: A new study on the dangers of texting while driving confirmed that when you don’t have your hands on the wheel or your eyes on the road and are in fact totally oblivious to the world around you, you’re an idiot.  Oh yes, as a parent, I know teens are going to want to qwerty to their friends no matter what, which is why I insist on them using our brain-computer hook up in the car, so they can Tweet hands free.  It’s not the best solution, since they often black out from the strain of concentrating, but I’m a firm believer that the cops will treat your corpse with more respect if they find your hands at 10 and 2.

……(Incidentally, you can follow Stuff You Need on Twitter too, at http://twitter.com/StuffYouNeed , where all the social marketers on the planet are converging into a Twingularity)

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80085: For some reason, the ACLU is going kooky over the government granting patents on breast cancer genes.  I don’t see what the fuss is all about: what could go wrong with giant, innocently named corporations owning the rights to the very building blocks of life?   At worst, they might aerosolize cancer, but that would just put this Swine Flu in perspective, no?

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ONCE YOU GO BLACK… : You can bet our ears perked up this past week when we saw that the Pentagon’s budget for Secretly Clandestine Black Ops went past the magical $50 Billion mark.  Phasers, weaponized drone bees, satellites that can  Photoshop you into embarrassing situations with your neighbors from miles up – oh yes, its all in there.  But Stuff You Need, ever the voice of reason, has to ask: where’s the love?  Sure, you can build all kinds of fun gadgets and DARPA can make all of Oklahoma’s hair green on alternate Thursdays, but is $50 Billion going to hollow out the Moon and make it Earth’s personal Death Star to conquer the galaxy?

……No.  It’s not.  And that’s a shame that I don’t think will sit well with the American people.

……It’s high time for all the red blooded Americans of this great land to rise up and shout:

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We’re tired of paying all these taxes without something really cool to show for it!

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We demand that planet America be ready to plunder Pluto’s pulchritudinous pesos!

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We are waiting for your reply, President Obama.

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Recall Coordinator

Recall Coordinator

Crap.  Ok people, listen up.
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……
That restorative fetal goo we were selling recently?  You know, the goop some of you were calling “Baby Butter,” which is just so damn disgusting if you ask me ….well, there’s a problem.

……Something in the gene matrix we used….hold on.  (What?  No.  I’m telling them now, why?  How many extra fingers?  Look, just divide by the number of toes and cut off the excess.  I don’t care which.  Just make sure to leave her something opposable.)

….Ok, where was I?
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Long story short, please send in every tube, bottle or tub of that gloop ASAP.  But for the love of Jeblon, keep it separate.  You don’t wanna be anywhere near this stuff when more than 8oz. is able to communicate with each other.
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……
Blarnke out.

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……Folks, I’ll level with you – when the Pentagon called to cancel our latest contract, we were a bit stumped.  I mean, what can you do with 50,000 brand new, military grade laser helmets, but eradicate the enemies of western style capitol-dicatorism?

Well thank Jeblon that our customer service guru, Karnia, was complaining of a “growing darkness” during No Lights Thursday, our weekly challenge to the staff to conserve as much mercury vapor as possible.  As we scraped the cataracts from her eyes, the lightning bolt hit: a simple retuning of the helmets could be the solution to a myriad of niggling consumer issues.

That’s why we can now happily say America’s long national nightmare of bad overhead lighting is finally over, with Stuff You Need’s LUXELMET.

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Blinded by the light...
When you receive your Luxelmet, you’ll see that the removal of the mounted laser canon from the original helmet has left a large hole in the back: this hole leads to an intricate matrix of microscopic mirrors running throughout the baffles of the head gear.  When even the tiniest bit of illumination enters the rear of the Luxelmet, it is instantly amplified a million times over and funneled directly to the focusing lens at the front to provide soft, natural light.

Finally, there’s an easy way to save money and deliver overhead light directly where you need it, without worries of dreaded ‘head shadows.’  Light up your favorite book, laptop, or drug lab with just a fraction of the light you use now, all thanks to Stuff You Need!

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……Caution: Prolonged use of the Luxelmet can be a detriment to continued brain health and non-liquification.
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……Do not use Luxelmet in combination with an overhead light source above one footcandle.

……Use of Luxelmet with a proscribed light source will void the enclosed 5 day warranty and may result in spontaneous combustion of all life around you, as well as eye defenestration and brain volcanism.

LUXELMET: It’s Like Turning Your Brain into a Floodlight!

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