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Horatio Finespun

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Problem: Zombies.

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Solution: Well, now that’s the trick, isn’t it? Zombies are everybody’s problem, whether they’re nosing through your garbage or eating your neighbour’s house pets, but there’s really a lack of productive techniques for handling them.

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Lord, I was born a shamblin mannnn

Lord, I was born a shamblin mannnn

Oh certainly, you can blast them to kingdom come with your titular ‘shotty’ or set fire to their wrecked flesh, but we both know that just leaves an awful mess (and it’s just as likely that when you’re down and scrubbing, that that’s when another of the bastards will get you).

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……No. I just knew there had to be a better way to make use of these blighters, and with all this Science lying around, who better than Horatio and the wizards of S.Y.N. to find it?

Who knew the past had anything worthwhile?

Who knew the past had anything worthwhile?

Ironic then that it was the thousand year old art of Japanese sensual massage that inspired the wonderful new widget we offer you today: ZOMBIE SHIATSU!

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……Look: what do zombies want to do most? Crack your skull open like an egg and gnaw the very flesh from your living bones, right? Well, we put that mouth power to work for you!

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All you have to do is apply a little bit of glue to the specialized shiatsu mouth guards, find your nearest zombie, delicately place them in its mouth, wait a tick for the glue to dry, and then Relaxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Now just relax, you'll feel a little pressure...

Have mouth, will massage

You’ll feel the tension literally boil away with every chomp from your would be “attacker,” who’s now become your best friend in the world. Head, shoulders, neck, nearly everything you put in the zombie’s mouth will be subjected to the deepest tissue massage you’ve ever had. And our internal studies show that the powerful, undead jaws of a zombie increase blood flow to sore muscles 20% more than other leading undead-shiatsu systems.

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Just feel the tension bleeeeed away

Just feel the tension bleeeeed away

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Go on…indulge yourself: order multiple Zombie Shiatsu kits and invite a whole horde in for the most luxurious spa weekend ever. You’ll be glad you did.

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Warning: Zombie Shiatsu not for use with nipples or penis.

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