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Posts Tagged ‘Office Politics’

Rex’s Motto: Always be closing the door that leads to the elephrantula pens.
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“Fine.  We’ll take Wyoming as well…we can keep all our manure there.”

“Fine. We’ll take Wyoming as well…we can keep all our manure there.”

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The Gentlemans have been in sales for generations, dating back to Rex’s great- great- great-grandfather Parfait, who sold large portions of what would someday become boring swing states to unwitting American diplomats.

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The Gentlemans on a normal Sunday after church.

The Gentlemans on a normal Sunday after church.

Rex was something of an Army brat in his youth, traveling throughout Europe during the Cold War as his father brought democracy to the burgeoning markets for low cost Teslammo.  Rex got to know the ins and outs of many NATO lands, and made life long friends on American military bases that he would be able to blackmail as a defense contractor in later life.

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……After settling down on the East Coast, Rex attended George Washington university, where he earned a major in Auctioneerism and a minor in Laying Waste to Your Competitors (ah, those liberal halcyon days). It was in D.C. that he was infected with the desire to sell unknown quantities to the federal government for immense amounts of untraceable cash: truly this was the American dream.

High five!

High five!

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Then while working with the CIA on their urban beautification and Nicaraguan assistance projects, Rex came to our attention.  A bright, eager go-getter with a shiny coat, he was a perfect match for Synthetic Bio-Technologies and Heavy Volatile Weapons Incorporated (now Stuff You Need).

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Rex speaks with his major domo

Rex speaks with his major domo

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……Rex rose swiftly through the ranks to nab the coveted post of Head of Sales, from which he could lead his own dark empire, fueled by both the Pentagon’s slush fund and various inconsequential intercontinental nuclear transactions.

But as the economy has done to us all, Rex has had to come back down to earth a bit.

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And we’re glad he has, for as S.Y.N. moves forward bringing new products to the public, we’re excited to see the new profit streams he wades into:

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  • Grandparents looking for that near-lethal way to keep those damn kids off their lawn
  • The creamy, untapped underbelly of unemployed males ages 24 – 27.5
  • Pirates
  • Outright lies

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Yes, the sky’s the limit for this first class Gentle(sales)man!

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Rex Gentleman

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Mr. President

Mr. President

 

……Hello beloved internet viewers!  Our apologies for not making you aware sooner, but the apparently necessary employees and management of Stuff You Need are currently attending the company get away in Italy.  

……On my dime.  

 ……Bastardos.


 

……But I am told that’s the way  to keep the workers happy and keep them from talking to the media or the Triads.  So, the unveiling of new products will unfortunately be delayed during this time, until everyone gets back and sobers up from the Tuscan wine.

……In the meantime, Chet is watching the shop and will show you new things occasionally, when he’s not collecting on accounts.

Chet

Thank you kind Chet!

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Hands Off

Anyone who works in an office shouldn’t be surprised by the waves of corruption rolling through Wall Street nowadays – after all, today’s Bernie Madoff was likely yesterday’s pen/stapler/tape dispenser thieving bastard.

Of course the corporate bunkers of Stuff You Need have not been completely immune to the scourge of petty thefts, it’s just that we have far better….deterrents available than the next rat race slob, and now we can share one of them with You.

“An electrified pen,” you say?  “Oooh, is it a secret camera, maybe?”  “Or one of those annoying, personal alarms?!”

Ah, yeah…maybe if you’re Queen of the Wuss Factory (a tough gig, I hear).

NO.  The new toy we’ve got for your cubicle will BLOW YOUR MIND.

DARPA was kind enough to pass on billions in our search for ways through to parallel worlds, and while there were some breakthroughs (thank you Gar’log’thot), nothing big enough to shove a tactical nuke through.  However, our loss at inter-versal conquest is your gain: Pre-senting THE #1 theft disincentive device of the 31st century, the MULTIVERSAL MUTILATOR! (or “M‘n’M” for short).

Our narrow band spectrum device is placed on the edge of your desk and activated whenever you lift your foot off the included safety cut off valve.  Once online, the M‘n’M casts a wafer thin barrier over all your greedily hoarded supply closet possessions.  But this is no force field: the next time Steve from HR wanders by when he runs out of Post-It Notes, he’s in for the surprise of his life…

As soon he puts his hand through the field, you’ll see the difference: puzzled stares as he realizes he’s reaching into an alternate dimension, shocked displays of emotion as a thousand unicorns lick his digits in unison, or horrified screams as an Ancient One sucks his muscles out like salt water taffy.  To tell you the truth, we’ve got no idea what might happen!

The secret is our inclusion of an oscilatrion, which is constantly changing frequencies and opening up portals to new and pants-crappingly frightening places. Hell, once, Tony got his hand caught in the cookie jar and when he pulled it back, he had five perfect clones of himself in place of his fingers (though for some reason, now Tony’s more popular with the ladies than ever).

So order your very own Multiversal Mutilator today and give those mail room thugs something to piss themselves about.

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