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Posts Tagged ‘Star Trek’

Sox vs. Pirates, Who wants 'em?……Scalpers.  One of nature’s most beautiful wonders.  Slaving away day and night purchasing massive blocks of tickets, just to be able to give the common fan a chance to show up on the day of the game, pay a near-inconsequential mark-up price, and stroll in to the stadium.

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……But odds are you don’t take a good look at the second hand piece of paper you just dropped your child’s tuition on.  So what happens when you miss the fine print noting a  “slightly obstructed view” and find yourself groin to girder with the stiffest pole in the house?

Why would they build a new stadium and still do this?!

Why would they build a new stadium and still do this?!

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……Well worry no more!  With Stuff You Need’s INSTA’ BLACK HOLE you can instantly eliminate ANYTHING blocking your view of the game.

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……Upon receiving your order, you’ll find two bags made from the finest sandwich grade plastic, sealed with a single, metal-alloy staple, each nestled comfortably in a lead lined trithorium case (which is yours to keep!).  Each bag contains one Higgs boson (the Buddha particle) that has been gyrated to terrifying speeds – you can’t see ’em, but trust us they’re there! Just take the bags with you wherever you go, so you’ll be ready for any situation.  (Note: Never Put Both Bags in the Same Pants Pocket or Pair of Pants)

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……When you find yourself with an obstructed view, simply shake the contents of the two bags into your hands and rub them together vigorously.  Almost immediately you’ll feel a slight tingle as the protons approach the speed of light and slam into each other like sumo wrestlers on crack cocaine.  As soon as you feel matter start to collapse, rub your hands on the offending barrier, sit back and watch SCIENCE! happen. 

 

 

Illustration by Ian Mauer

Illustration by Ian Mauer

 

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……Before long you’ll have a clear view of the ball game, concert, or mega church event – yes, the INSTA’ BLACK HOLE makes any day a singularity sensation.  And, as an added bonus, any fly balls will instantly come your way.

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Also recommended: For our customers purchasing the Insta’ Black Hole, we recommend our Photon Bending Goggles, for those pesky event horizons that can ruin your whole day.

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Karnia WhelkThe whole compound got to see the new Star Trek movie this week and it was amazing!  While most of the science was of course far fetched, we loved the eco-message of the Romulan planet drill so much that Stuff You Need will be rolling out a hand-held Fission Planet Corer immediately.  Soon, you and your friends will be able to reenact all your favorite scenes from movies like Superman, A View to A Kill, and Driving Miss Daisy.

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Now, on to your Sciencized update for the week!:

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SHUNSINE: Eighty years ago, the sun acted very stand offish and generally ill tempered, hoarding all her light and giving us the cold shoulder.  And now apparently that fiery bitch is doing it again.  The question is why?  Simple magnetic fluctuations, normal cyclical change, or dry run for a supernova?  Actually, that doesn’t matter – we just need to find a way to keep Mr. Sun burning.  Our suggestion: funnel all the upcoming unsold Wolverine DVDs directly into the Chromosphere to keep the sun burning hot.  And angry.  Angry at paying to see that movie.  Darn it.

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IF GOD HAD MEANT MAN TO NEVER STOP FLYING…:  He wouldn’t have given him this amazing aircraft that never has to land, ever.  And He did.  So He must have.  Thank you, God!  But seriously, the DARPA Vulture program just looks like the natural evolution of those international flights which seem to go on forever.  Now you can board in Tuscon and never make another connecting flight or see another human up close ever again.  One thing though – if it never comes down, how do they clean the bathroom?

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OFF-STAR:  Did you know that the entire Global Positioning System could explode next year?  Every car, phone and cheeseburger that comes equipped with GPS is likely to fail spectacularly, leaving you lost and sad.  Once again, we’ll see how the populace has forgotten something as simple as the directions to the store, and will suffer when their gewgaws are taken away.  Sigh.  Looks like I put that RFID chip in my husband for nothing.

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Karnia WhelkCinco De Mayo!  A day late, but I can still enjoy the wonders of drinking the ceremonial Fifth of Mayo to celebrate.  I make my own mayonnaise at home, so I know it’ll go down smooth (the secret is just a hint of Malibu rum when you whip the eggs!).

But my, it’s been a heckuva week since last time I got to Whelk at all of you…a swinging Supreme Court Justice announced his retirement (yep, I’m a Souter-groupie!),we saw the tragic tale of a man dying slowly from extreme metal poisoning in the big screen true story Wolverine, and of course, we had a worldwide epidemic that nearly toppled the global infrastructure that secretly rules all our lives.

……Except then it turned out that the Hamthrax wasn’t too bad, as long as you stopped your daily habit of rubbing bacon under your eyes to hide your sleep bags.

……So everything’s good now right? Well I guess not, because I’ve just heard about…dum dum dum:

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RACCOON FLU! :  Just when you thought it was safe to bring out the garbage, those adorable ringtails are trying to kill you with their poop!  Technically, its worms, not flu, but be that as it may, I don’t think it’s improper to say that we are already doomed by this coming worldwide pandademic.  Those Dr. WHO guys should just go on maximum alert and tell everyone: DO NOT EAT STRANGE RACCOON POOP YOU FIND IN THE STREET.    Maybe this time, people will listen.

(I’d also suggest that Israel get on the ball and try to change the name of this thing to “Canadian Poop Flu” as soon as possible, so they can avoid offending anyone.)

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TESLA TIME: A sad story comes out of Long Island, as it appears fantabulous science magician Nikola Tesla’s old lab Wardenclyffe could be eradicated.  A beacon to all science extremonizers who would follow him, Tesla is a heck of a lot more fun that that constipated old Edison.  Have you been to Edison’s place in Florida?  BOOOORRING.  Give me sexy Tesla’s underground cavern at Tunguska or his deathbed pauper’s hovel in the New Yorker Hotel instead.

Ultimately, I don’t know that Niki would be all that broken up about his old L.I. estate being made into condos, though I expect anyone living there will have to contend with late night experiments and hearing a spectral J.P. Morgan bitch about not getting his money’s worth.

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NUCLEAR WESSEL: And finally, in honor of the upcoming reboot of everyone’s favorite adaptation of Buck Rogers in space, Star Trek, the real Enterprise has gone into drydock for extensive repairs.  Yes, the Navy finally accepted our bid to upgrade the old sea dog into a top flight space vessel, capable of interstellar bombing runs and publicity junkets (provided Paramount doesn’t get too handsy).

If you act now, we can guarantee you a chance to help us test out the effects of an actual ‘warp-core breach’, up close and personal.  You’ll be just like your hero Spock, except we’re not getting anywhere near that safety glass to play Dead Man’s Patty Cake.

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As always, send me your questions or acid spewing flames!

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stuffyouneed[dot]9000[at]gmail[dot]com

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